A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:It's kind of a long story but I guess you should know everything before you can really advise me. I started dating my boyfriend in June of 2008. Now it is February 2010. In that time he has broken up with me twice and we have taken a break twice. Everytime, it was him that wanted to end things. The first time we broke up he said that it was because I had told him that I wanted him to quit smoking cigarettes and weed. (he still smokes both by the way) This lasted for about three weeks but after we both had our little flings we ended up back together because those just didn't feel right to either of us. The second time he broke up with me was because he said I was too jealous and always wanted to hang out with him and he couldn't take that. (since that time I have changed and always give him time to hang out with his guy friends, although I am still a very jealous person) That time that we broke up we were broken up for a few months but in this time we started hanging out as friends (who hooked up) and then eventually started dating again. After a few months of this he said that I was changing and that he needed a break because I was being too jealous like I used to be and I was being a jerk, which I admit for some reason I was just really pissed off at that time. So I agreed that I would change and we were back together after a few days. This last time that he wanted a break was a few weeks ago. This time he said that it wasn't me but it was him, he "needed time to figure out what he wanted and if he wanted to be in a serious relationship". Now don't ask me why after a year and a half he's just asking himself this now...but at this point I had kind of had it so I said okay and again after a few days we were back together. Also I need to mention that he kind of treats me like crap. I mean he is a nice guy at heart. When I need someone to cheer me up he is there and he always makes me laugh and all that good stuff. But when it comes down to it and say we are fighting, he will not answer my calls or my texts (which is probably the most irritating thing in the entire world).Also we always have to go out with his friends. I mean yeah my friends don't exactly like him and he doesn't really like them either but don't you think that he should suck it up if I wanted to go out on a double date with my bestfriend and her boyfriend?Also, I have caught him lying to me more times that I can remember. Mostly about stupid things like I wanted to hang out and he didn't so he said he was going home and going to bed but really he went out bowling with his guy friends. Another time I caught him lying was he was talking to this girl via text and I went through his phone without him knowing and then later asked him if he's been talking to any girls lately and he told me no. I confronted him and told him I knew he was talking to her but he said it was just a girl from high school and he forgot he had been talking to her...yeah likely story. Anyway, as far as I know he has never cheated on me. Now, I don't know if that's true or not. During the second break up before he and I started hanging out again I started to kind of see this other guy who had a friend that knew my boyfriend and this guy that I was seeing told me that his friend said that my boyfriend used to cheat on me all the time and then joke about it with me like "oh yeah i totally hooked up with that girl, yeah that definitely happened" which I would take as sarcasm given we are both very sarcastic people. So I asked him about that and he said that this friend was lying because they had a fight and he didn't like him and wanted to start trouble (which they did have a fight but I don't know if the rest is true).He also talks to a few other girls. His best friend is a girl but I've met and hung out with her a few times and she has a boyfriend so that doesn't bother me at all. But he talks to like these girls from high school or this one girl that now goes to school in another state but still, I am not okay with him really having these girl friends that I have never met. Also once in a while he will talk to his exes. Which one girl he dated for almost three years, she is in a serious relationship now and it doesn't bother me if she wants to see how he's doing. That's okay. But those other ex-girlfriends that meant nothing to him? I don't think he really needs to talk to them. In my head when you're in a serious relationship, you should not be doing these kind of things. One more thing is that we don't have sex as much as we used to. We used to do it every time we would hang out or just about. Now its like every four times we hang out we'll do it...if that. He says its because of his medicine (which he is on for anxiety) but I don't know. It makes me feel like it's me.Another thing is that he has a very hard time being serious when I am trying to have a serious conversation. Everything is always a joke with him which is very frustrating when you're trying to ask or tell him something very important.I guess you should know a little bit about him before judging just by my side of the story. He was kicked out of his house at 19 (because he got a C in college...yes he got kicked out of his house because he got a C in college, ridiculous I know) and forced to live at one of his friends houses because he didn't really have a choice. So yes, he's had a difficult family life. He is on medicine because he used to get really bad panic attacks like really really bad since he moved in with his friend. Also his ex-girlfriend of three years broke up with him out of nowhere when he was taking a semester at Disney (she lived in New York) a week before he got home, so that really messed with him. I think part of the reason he's so far away is because he thinks that if he gets too serious I'm just going to do the same thing to him. (but that's just my opinion)At this point in my life I'm not sure if I should just end the relationship. I am looking for a very serious relationship. I mean yes I am only 20 and he's 21 but I am ready for that committment. He says things would be different if we were married but I don't know if that's just what he thinks now or if it's really true. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm done with him talking to all of these other girls and treating me like crap but I am still deeply in love with him. What do you think I should do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): After reading and re-reading your relationship history I have come to the very sad realization that it's over. Unfortunately, maybe it's time for you to realize the same.
This guy sounds like a total jerk (you are clearly not the jerk). What kind of 21 year old wouldn't want to have sex with his 20 year old girlfriend? Also, It's not right for him to always want to hang out with his friends and not want to hang out with yours. You make sacrifices in order to make a relationship work and it sounds like you're the only one making any sacrifices. You are going to be a complete wreck when after this relationship has ended, and it will end sooner or later.
TigerLily is 100% correct: You're significant other should compliment your life and make you strive to do things you could never imagine yourself doing.
It's time for a change! BE BRAVE!!!! You will thank yourself for it later. Good Luck!
A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (10 February 2010):
Caringguy is totally right. He said everything I was going to say. He lies, he (possibly) cheats, you know he talks to other girls, he won't commit, he won't deal with/avoids a discussion after a fight, he doesn't like your friends, your friends don't like him... etc.
Honestly, why are you even WITH this guy? what happiness do you get out of this relationship? Being a good guy at heart doesn't really matter much if he doesn't put that into action. The lying really bothers me as you need to be with someone you can trust and who is honest.
I heard once that a good relationship is one that ADDS something positive to your life, and helps you to be a better person. This guy doesn't sound like he's adding much except heartache.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (10 February 2010):
No he's not a nice guy. Read what you've written. You've had numerous breaks because of him, he's called you a jerk, he's called you jealous, he treats you like crap, he lies and he talks to other girls. The list is endless. I am a nice guy, and I sure as hell don't behave like this. And there are many other men who don't behave like this too. He's not nice, he's controlling and manipulative. He wouldn't be any different if you were married. He'd still be as he is. A lying controlling immature little boy. If you stay with him, I promise that you will end up destroyed because of him. You must for your own sake end it with him. There are better men out there.
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