A
female
age
36-40,
*aysandconfused
writes:(Mod Note - OP's own title) I studied abroad almost four years ago and met the man of my dreams. I had been in a bad relationship in the States and knew as soon as I met him that THAT'S what a "real" relationship was supposed to be like--he was absolutely the kindest, sweetest, most amazing guy. I was completely smitten, and we were inseparable for about five months. When I had to go back to the States, he popped the question, and I said yes. Neither of us knew when I would be back, but I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man.Time passed, and we were still desperately in love, but we were struggling to get up the money for either of us to visit the other (about a $2000 ticket, not including bills while we were gone). School got in the way, then jobs, then life. We never stopped loving, never stopped wanting it to work, and then after two years, he told me to let go when I told him that there was someone at work I was interested in. He is older than me, and he told me he felt like he "was robbing me of some of the best years of my life." I know that he didn't have anyone else, and I know that he's been waiting for me this entire time... almost four years, patiently, while I am now dating this incredible guy that loves me and also wants to marry me. There are no significant differences between the two, and I don't know where to start. I had NO closure with my study abroad guy, and we're both still madly in love. I mean, he's waiting and hoping, and just biding his time and it's KILLING me inside. (for all of you nay-sayers, no, he's absolutely a hopeless romantic and I know there's nothing funny going on on his end)Life just got in the way, and now that I'm in grad school, I can't up and leave, but I KNOW it's not fair to my guy stateside, who I also know is going to pop the question any day now. He would/will be devastated to know that I feel this way.I guess my question is... how can I get over my study abroad guy when there was absolutely no closure and he's still waiting for me, and how can I know if the new guy is the right choice? When it comes to personality, goals, money, life--they're extremely similar. There's nothing that pops out to me. Even living in the other country has pros and cons. I would MUCH rather live in the other country and would be much happier, but I'd also have to leave a lot behind--my graduate degree that wouldn't transfer abroad, my dog, and my family. Do I need to put this on hold here to take a $2000 trip to see the other guy and work it out? I feel like I may get there and realize it was all a fantasy while I was naive and in a foreign country and I'll lose both of them. I don't know if the risk of that happening is worth losing the man I have now?I've been dealing with this for four years now. I can't keep crying myself to sleep, not knowing what the right decision is and who is going to get hurt. If anyone has ANY way to start chiseling away at this problem, I'd love some advice.
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female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (10 February 2010):
You need to make a decision, as you aren't being fair to make both men wait. The best way I've found to make a tough decision is to take the time to explore the options. Spend an entire day imagining what life would be like if you said good bye to mr. overseas, married your current BF and stayed in the US. Then spend the next day imagining what life would be like if you moved abroad and left the US behind.
You will find the option that you resist giving up, the option that you miss the most -- is where your heart truly lies.
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