A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I was engaged to be married to this wonderful man,we were dating for 4 years and then he asked me to be his wife,we were engaged for 8 months and were to be married soon!BUt things took a complete downfall at his work,and he started taking those frustrations out on me and in one of those instances when I trying to stop him from drinking he pushed me aside and I hit the wall and was bruised!I couldn't handle it anymore and I packed up and left and broke off the engagement!I met him 4 days ago to return the ring,he dint agree to take it back..he asked me to keep it,and said if I ever loved him and respected what we had I should keep it and apologised for his behaviour!but I don't its a very expensive ring and I think he should have it,plus I want to start fresh I don't need anything to remind me of the past!what do I do with the ring?
View related questions:
engaged Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (1 May 2013):
 When I got divorced, I sold everything valuable that reminded me of my ex (including the ring), and used the money to pay for a vacation. What I could not sell, I donated to charity.
Make a wishlist of things you would like to do and use the ring to pay for it.
...or keep it for sentimental reasons.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 May 2013):
 I'd keep it , I'd just put it away in some drawer.... and wait for time to work his magic. Memories fade away, emotions change and die,... but diamonds are forever :). One day , faster than you think, you'll have no particular feelings , good or bad,for this guy,- but you'll have a nice valuable ring to wear.
Too cynical ? Then sell it and donate the money you get to your favourite charity. You'll have got rid of an unwanted memento, and done something useful at the same time.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ms.B2U  +, writes (1 May 2013):
I'm with her. Keep it for a while. Ya'll together for years, ya never know. Don't have to wipe it all out in a matter of hours by comparison. Best wishes. Let him know he can't push ya around. That physical aggression is a no win situation NO MATTER how it went down or what the story is. My experience has been once they push, hit, spit on ya, etc...It never ends.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 May 2013):
 There are two things at play here. First, he's devastated by what happened for sure. He doesn't believe he deserves the ring back. Second and more important, he hopes to one day change his life, clean up his act, hoping his job situation and his stress drops, hopes to stop drinking to maybe win you back or at least stay in your life.
I could make an argument both ways here. Giving the ring back is the right thing to do when an engagement breaks, and I understand your need to close the book on the relationship.
On the other hand, his feelings of horror over what has happened both to him and to your relationship and knowing that his ring is still in possession may galvanize him into really making a profound change in his life. I know that's not your problem, but that's where the "If you've ever loved me" comment comes in. It's a bit of a "don't give up on me" sort of feel to it.
Here are my thoughts:
Nothing has to happen immediately. I say that you keep it for now. Put it in its box and put it away somewhere where you don't have to see it or think about it. The fight is raw, the emotions are raw, just let some time go by on this.
At the same time, don't stop your life. You putting the ring away as opposed to giving it back doesn't mean you're not broken up. Move on, and if you feel like dating, go ahead.
Revisit the decision in a month's time or two, and if you're still feeling like you're happier without him then send him his ring via registered mail.
Before I categorically condemn him for pushing you, I'm not clear about how it went down. How were you stopping him from drinking? Was he already drunk? Were you trying to take the bottle? Did you put your hands on him (i.e. slap, hit, grab his hands, stand in his way shouting, etc.), or were you simply asking him to stop drinking and he violently charged you and shoved you? I ask that because he hasn't gotten physical in 4 years, so I'm wondering what's different about this time as opposed to your past. 4 years is more than enough time to expose an abusive nature. No, he shouldn't put his hands on you, but just to say "He's an abuser and you should drop him" doesn't seem to fit so much here. Clearly, you were right to break it off, and clearly, it sounds like his stress is causing him to be destructive. The fact that he pushed you and not hit you leads me to believe that you were obstructing him as opposed to merely pissing him off by what you were saying.
My point is, I would have done the same thing you did if some altercation with his drinking got me shoved, because that shows that he's lost control of his life. However, I also think that when tempers cool, and his horror at what happened may change his life, that taking some time won't undermine your choice, but it may do some ultimate good whether you ever get back together with him or not.
...............................
|
