A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I married 20 yrs I know all my wife's sex partners. We went to high school I've even know what they did because she told me year 20yrs ago. I have seen her have sex with one at a party. I cant get it out of my head its driving me crazy . I have been with her all my life never kiss a girl but her. I feel I'm a loser that's it what do you think any help. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2013): Dear I feel missed out, I am the women who gave you the long response to your dilemma and gave examples using my personal relationship. I just showed somebody your story and they said that you should call the sexual abuse centre because they believe that you are a victim yourself and are a qualified counsellors. They believe that you will not get over yourself so quickly and easily. These toll free lines and free counselling operate 24/7. I know you sound like a man man but I believe deep down you cant do this on your own. Please take my advice. Swallow your pride. Call ASAP.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionfor the male that said I was a liar about my past. You just made me feel like a bigger loser that you think I made this thanks.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2013): I have been on this earth most of 40 years. I have yet to see a case of someone lying about their past that wasn't done for their own benefit more than anyone else's.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2013): I believe that total honesty in a relationship can come back to haunt you at a later time and it has in yours. I know from my relationship with my present boyfriend of almost three years I can still remember when we agreed to only see each other and talk about our previous relationships. Yes I told him I had two previous relationships but I never told him what kind of sex we performed on each other or any of the other sorted details. But I didn't spill all the beans because I could see my boyfriend was starting to tear up and virtually come apart. He had two long relationships with women and never had flings or performed in other alternate sexual practices. After telling me his past I could see that he could never handle the fact that I add two additional flings or hook-ups on top of the other two I admitted to him about. If your wife at the time had been a little more sensitive to you over twenty years ago I believe she should of never gave the details of her sex experiences. In matter of fact if she knew you would never find out everything then she should of kept her mouth shut. You are now suffering if you want to call it sort of post traumatic stress. And this has been building up in you for twenty-years. In my case was I wrong in not telling my boyfriend everything. But I now know that I will be marrying this man in the near future and I still wont tell him because I know he couldn't handle it emotionally. Is the event important to be told, I say no because nobody was hurt from my two flings and I didn't catch or bring any sexually transmitted diseases to a new relationship. Did I regret doing this? Yes I couldn't believe after that I allowed myself to be seduced into this. Could I or would I do something like this again? Absolutely not. Now the story goes back in your lap. Does your wife love you today? Has she been faithful to you the past twenty-years? Have you been faithful to her the past twenty years? Your confession is compelling and interesting to hear. But does her past now have to equal the future? Was her sexual activity so absurd that today you feel you have been cheated to perform in such yourself? oh, I am sorry you saw her having sex with somebody else. That indeed is heavy unto itself. You definitely need to get professional counselling and after that you decide what to do. You have been carrying this burden for twenty years and it finally appears it is starting to rip you apart. I guess my question to your wife would be was she not aware that you saw her having sex with somebody else and that it bothered you? Why did you allow yourself or put yourself in a situation to be part and parcel to her sexual hookups. It must of bothered you then. Why did you continue dating her and not confront her on her activities? What ever happened is done and you need to get professional help. If you cant get rid of post traumatic stress then you are going to have to end the marriage before all this kills you. I still cant figure out for the love of God why your wife couldn't see then and certainly now that something is wrong or not quite right. She increasingly sounds like a cold selfish bitch. But I cant accept that statement either. Hey I am no genius but I know I would never allow my present boyfriend to have witnessed me having sex with someone else in a public type setting. It sounds odd or weird or what happened twenty years ago something like a orgy type thing? Is that why you haven't said anything for twenty years? You were there for a quickie yourself but changed your mind and got cold feet at the last minute? You have a lot of decision making to do. I can understand how it is tearing you apart because I saw in my boyfriends eyes the fear and sadness like it was something he didn't do right with his past girlfriends. I cant imagine the horror or fear of watching somebody you care deeply about performing sex on somebody else out in plain site for everyone to view. You really have my deepest sympathies. This is truly a event that you have had to live with for twenty years. Almost a sentence in itself. You must start to heal and if your present wife cannot help you get better then you better leave with what sanity you have left.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyou post are so right I will get over myself.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2013): You've been married for 20 years, so why are you having an issue with this all of a sudden now? Is something going on in your personal life, perhaps a change in her behavior thats got you unnerved? It seems like your sudden insecurity over your relationship/wife's sexual history is a symptom of something else going on. Misplaced anger of some sort. Is your wife doing something different? Are you afraid shes cheating on you or something? Did one of you lose your job? Money problems? Suddenly you feel insecure cause you have too much time on your hands?
I just find it hard to believe that 20 years into a marriage, you out of the blue feel insecure, unless something else is going on thats driving you to question everything.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2013): Missed out on what? You are aware that the more sex partners you have the higher the risk for STDS and worse. You know both of you don't suffer from that so why risk it. Im not trying to make light of your situation, but you need to find out where this is stemming g from. After 20 years of a productive marriage that should be the LEAST of your concerns.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 May 2013):
 This sounds like retroactive jealousy. There are lots of posts on here discussing that, it seems to be an OCD type situation (you said you couldn't get it out of your head), if this has just started bothering you after 20 years, then it really does sound like you would benefit from some therapy for that.
Read everything the aunt "Yos" has to say on the subject; he seems to have a really workable approach and a successful one at that.
Search the archives here: http://www.dearcupid.org/search
Yos can be found here: http://www.dearcupid.org/people/yos
There's a thread on my profile that I started when people seemed to need a safe place to talk about it here: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retrograde-jealousy.html
Sorry you find yourself in distress over this, over 20 years of marriage and you find yourself obsessing now. Time to take positive action.
Good luck.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (1 May 2013):
 So, before you and your wife married 20 years ago and before you both promised to love and honour, she had sex elsewhere ..... now it seems to me your marriage has hit that spot where it all seems to be slipping your by and you are looking for ways to justify cheating, or to put it otherwise, break your marriage contract.
If you feel your marriage has hit the end of the road, then disolve it. If you feel your marriage is lacking a certain spark, then reinvigoriate it, but don't consider having sex outside of your marriage and then blaming on your wife' actions of 20 years ago before you were marriage. If you decide to have sex outside of your marriage it will be because YOU chose to be a cheatin' two timing, louse.
You are at a crossroads, you can continue as you are, disgruntled but unhappy with your sex life, you could decide to go out and cheat on your wife, you could decide your marriage is over and get a divorce or you could try opening up the lines of communication, taking your wife out on dates, getting to know each other all over again, and falling right back in love with her ....
Your life, your choice, your consequences.
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