A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi allI'm a 28 y.old guy and I've been in a good relationship with my 24 year old gf for more then a year now. We love each other, and spend all our spare time together. It is important to mention that I find her very attractive, yet, I can't stop looking at other young women. I wasn't particularly intrested in relationships until the age of ~25, so this current relationship is the first for me. (she's also my first and last sexual partner) This might be the reason I stare other girls, and keep thinking about dating them.What should I do, I don't want to leave her, but it's getting harder and harder every day to resist my urges. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2013): Yeah I know that feeling. Hasn't happened since my teens though.
It's like tasting ice cream for the first time and then finding out there are so many different flavours, ingredients, textures and colours of ice cream out there and you want to stick your penis into all of them.
The worst thing about it for you OP is that you say these are urges, not just curiosity.
In Ireland we call that 'not having sowed your wild oats' and unfortunately there is no cure other than to do that. That I know of anyway.
Look it may be temporary, so just tough it out, don't act on it and see if it passes. If not it will reach a point where you just can't be with your girlfriend anymore if you reach that stage then leave the relationship, don't ever get into any situations with women where you will cheat. If this doesn't go away then leave the relationship instead.
The others are right, it's normal to fantasize about other women, it's normal to lust after them but urges to be with other women are not normal and regardless of what trickster says long term urges do mean you don't love your girlfriend enough to only be with her.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2013): She was your first, which explains why you clung to what you know, and who you feel comfortable with. Unfortunately, people often feel their first love is their only love. For some that is the case, for many others, it isn't.You are among those who jumped into a committed relationship all too quickly. A relationship purely based on a mixture of euphoric hormones and idealistic preconceptions of love. You felt she was the one and only.Now your high is wearing off and suddenly other women are all too tempting. Well, fine mess you got yourself into my friend. There is another person's heart you're holding in your hands. Cheating would be worse than breaking up. Which is what you're contemplating; but didn't actually admit in your post. It would be easier than breaking up, until you're caught.Time to let her know that you're getting itchy feet and allow her to prepare to be on her own. Maybe you weren't really in love, you were in lust from the start. Did you commit yourself only for the availability of sex. If you really want to be honest about all this; I suspect your urge to roam is stronger than your urge to stay committed. Let's face it. You admit the urge is getting stronger and stronger.Let her down easy and go follow your penis. That was what it was all about to begin with. Whatever YOUR decision, I'm wishing your future broken-hearted girlfriend my best. Be sure she has the website address; so we may all help her deal with it.I recommend that you fight the feeling; and if you really love the one you're with; let your heart over-rule your penis. One final note, should you choose to leave:Once you're all grown up, and you've satisfied your greedy penis, you'll look back and miss that girl who thought you felt the same way about her, as she feels about you. Hopefully, she'll find a better replacement; just to even the score. Live and learn young man.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (1 May 2013):
 Why don't you want to leave her? Be specific.
If you are getting urges that are increasing every day, then that's a sign you aren't settled and ready to be in a committed relationship.
I think most men see attractive women and can appreciate them but can let that momentary attraction go, it's just a fleeting thought, a passing fancy, an enjoyable fantasy.
What you are describing is something that sounds like your urges are trying to tell you something.
The words you chose tell me something. "Good relationship" That's a very lukewarm term. It means you think it's fine but not fantastic
"We love each other" not "we are madly in love" - it almost sounds like something you say to convince yourself. Do you love her like crazy? I don't hear that.
"Spend all our spare time together" oh dear, that's so boring! All your spare time is in each other's company? Really? You don't have outside interests that keep you occupied and busy and learning? Oh dear. That's not good.
"I wasn't particularly interested in relationships until the age of ~25" Do you mean, you weren't feeling sexual until then or you just found yourself then and felt okay to start a love life?
"this current relationship" that little word "current" … that's putting a finite term to it. Why add that word? It wasn't needed for the sentence. Bad sign.
"she's also my first and last sexual partner" as in, she's the ONLY sexual partner you will ever have? Why did you add that "and last" qualifier? That sounds so final.
Do you feel trapped?
I think it's time for a good long think, are you really in a relationship you want to be in? Yes? No?
If yes, then stare those "urges" in the eyes and tell them that they can't control you.
If no, then let your girlfriend go, break up and start dating all those girls you are fantasizing about.
It's time for you to face all those urges and ask yourself why they are arising now and why you want to be with your girlfriend.
One thing you may not realize, crushes on other people are common in longterm relationships. It doesn't mean you act on them or do anything about the crush, it's just a little crush, and if used correctly can add spice to the committed relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2013): Yeah I suppose youre finding trouble resisting your urges because you are a late bloomer. Whereas many guys became sexually active probably ten years before you did and got to experiment, you didnt. And now you are as curious as they were. I think its natural for men to feel that way at the appropriate age and you shouldnt fight biology. It sucks, however, that you are in a relationship with someone you care about and feel this way now, when you are at an age where alot of guys are starting to take things more seriously. I think you have to be as honest as possible with yourself and with her. And when I say honest I dont mean you have to necessarily tell her you have a roaming eye. But more specifically, make a decision, stick by it, and whatever you decide, dont string her along. Even if you break up with her and later regret it. You should play fair. I think you should end things with her only because the relationship is already seriously flawed if you are thinking of straying all the time, and whether she realizes it yet or not, its going to catch up to both of you. If you do end things to sow your wild oats, keep in mind, she may be very hurt and you probably will lose her for good. But whatever the outcome, the worse thing you can do is cheat on her. And you are not far off as cheating of the mind is cheating.
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A
male
reader, trickster +, writes (1 May 2013):
You know, I actually get the same thing. Granted I'm a little younger (high school senior), but it's still the same thing. Anyway, don't listen to anyone if they tell you "you don't love her because you think about other women." This is simply not true. Thinking about others is not being unfaithful, it's actually pretty natural for most guys. As this is your first relationship, you are probably feeling stronger urges because you feel regret about not dating earlier. But unfortunately, you can't change this now, so you are going to have to move on.Back to your decision: here's the important thing you have to ask yourself: Is she worth it? If you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her, then DON'T act on these urges! Perhaps make more time for your true love to put your mind off all the possible ways you can ruin your life. Eventually these urges will cease(hopefully) and you'll realize how you could have lost the best thing ever to happen to you. Anyway, just my 2 cents. Good luck, my friend.
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