A
female
age
41-50,
*raci
writes:I have two children, one with my boyfriend now and one from a previous relationship. My boyfriend has taking on both children like they are both his own and his is a WONDERFUL father but we have been struggling. I love him more than anything especially for the father that he is but recently he told me that he does not love me like I love him. He says that there are things that I need to change, and that he never wants to get married. He feels this way about marriage because he has had every serious girlfriend hes had has cheated on him and thinks that its just a piece of paper. But of course to me it is very important. So I am torn, do I leave and take our kids away from there father or try to stick it out and in the meantime have to deal with us never getting married and those dreadful words, " I love dont you like you love me"-Please help me, my heart is aching Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Rosalee  +, writes (13 February 2008):
Hi. I am in the same position. He continually tells me he hates me, doesn't love me, that I am fat where as I am not at all fat. I have a good body. He has a daughter from a previous relationship and this weekend is our 1st year anniversary so I had arranged a weekend for us. Now he is telling me that he has his daughter the weekend and because he has told her he can't see her, she was crying and saying to him that he has never said no to her before. After he had a confrontation with his ex, he has treated me badly. He would not talk to me last night. He saw me crying this morning and hugged me and said sorry. Earlier on he phoned me and said why don't we pick his daughter up on Friday night and all go for a meal together? What a joke? So my hotel booking and special plans all go out the window. Then I said to him, just have your daughter this weekend, but I won't be joining in. He then told me he doesn't like me and I must go back to South Africa. What do I do? Any advice please. Do I stay with him and make it work or do I give up on this man who is going to always treat me second best?
Please help.
A
male
reader, DKR +, writes (11 May 2007):
 In my personal oppinion, if i were in your situation, as a man i would walk away. Simply because two years is more than enough, it's certainly enough to fall out of love with someone. Of course i'm just talking from my personal experience and not taking into account the fact that children are involved (a bridge i'm yet to cross). You really need to weigh up what you have in your basket here and ask yourself if it's worth it. The impact all of this will have on your life and that of your childrens. Is this gent really worth another year or two of not knowing? Should you put your life on hold because he can't make up his mind?I don't want to sway the oppinion in any direction not knowing the gentleman in question. However, do ask similar questions to these and hopefully you'll come to your answer.Take care
...............................
A
female
reader, traci +, writes (9 May 2007):
traci is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your wonderul advice, I just wanted to give an update on our situation. See I am visiting my family in AR while he is in IN. 2 yrs ago I left everything I had to be with him. Last night he said that he loves me but his guard is up and that someday he could have stronger feelings for me or atleast feel the way about me like I feel for him. and that if he did we could possible get married. I am not trying to be negative, but my dad always said that you cant make someone love nor change the way they feel. Do you all think that he could really grow to love me more? Can people even after two years fall more in love with someone? Or is he just telling me what I want to here so I come back and not make this visit permanent?
...............................
A
female
reader, penta +, writes (8 May 2007):
 First dealing with the perception of a marriage being "just a piece of paper."
My mother-in-law's long-term boyfriend went a decade without marrying her. He had a really bad prior marriage and he "didn't believe in marriage." Then a friend of his mentioned the social security issue: basically the hated ex-wife would get his social security when she retired, but the woman he loved (my MIL) never would. They married right after that.
There are more than 1,400 state and federal rights and privileges of marriage; click here to see some (you may have to cut and paste the URLs): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rights_and_responsibilities_of_marriages_in_the_United_States or http://www.nolo.com/article.cfm/objectID/E0366844-7992-4018-B581C6AE9BF8B045/118/304/192/ART/ He probably doesn't have any idea about these. You may want to look into some of the protections that you can set up legally without a marriage, so that you and the children are protected. Trying to set that up may be a way to get him to talk about the benefits of marriage.
About the love issue: if there were no children involved, I would say to leave him. You deserve to be with someone who loves you as much as you love him.
So, considering the children, here are some questions. What are the things he wants changed? Are they reasonable, or are they superficial? Can you make these changes without resenting him? Do you add to the insecurity he has about being cheated on, or is he being ridiculous? Can you ask him what it would take to help him feel more secure, and if his requests are reasonable, can you do that? And most importantly, can you get him into counseling with you while you're trying to make the changes?
It may be that he's overwhelmed, slightly depressed, and afraid, and so he's saying things that he wouldn't say if he were in a better place. Because there are children, I suggest you work hard to find out.
But eventually, you'll have to decide if it's worth it. If you'll resent making any changes, if he's not worth the work, then you need to make up your mind to leave him. The children don't need to have a loveless non-marriage as their idea of what a real relationship is. You need to give them the example of a good relationship to pattern their life after. And you deserve to be happy, which you won't be in the long run if things don't change.
Good luck, hon. Let us know how it goes.
...............................
A
female
reader, staciebriscoe +, writes (8 May 2007):
hunni if i was you i wud try talkin to him about he probba feelins towards you most ppl never want to get married they see it as too much of a comiment. fort he moment stick to it things might change in the future i now gettin married is very imporant to you but think of it as this way u ave got the person you love and he adores your kids.
...............................
A
male
reader, michael hughes +, writes (8 May 2007):
many people across the world dont want to get married, they always use the same excuss " its just a piece of paper". maybe if ya leave the subject for a while he might think about it, if you keep talking to him about it it might make him angry and not want to marry altogher. about the snide comments he makes talk to him and tell each other what is on each others mind, the best way to make this work is to understand each other.
hope i have helped mail me for more informationxxx
...............................
A
female
reader, staciebriscoe +, writes (8 May 2007):
hunni if i was you i wud try talkin to him about he probba feelins towards you most ppl never want to get married they see it as too much of a comiment. fort he moment stick to it things might change in the future i now gettin married is very imporant to you but think of it as this way u ave got the person you love and he adores your kids.
...............................
A
male
reader, DKR +, writes (8 May 2007):
i really feel for you. Raising two children cannot be an easy task. I've always seen marrage as 'the final commitment'. It's certainly not what it used to be though. To take your children and remove this farther figure from their life will not do them any good at this time. Personally i would say; give it six months then ask him again. You must obviously respect his wishes as i'm sure he'll respect yours. It's a tough place to be in. Perhapes in-depth conversation will grant you the knowledge you require to make your decision.
Good luck to you
...............................
|
