A
female
age
41-50,
*amarillo
writes:ex bf of over 2 years decided to break it off with me saying that he still loves but not sure as a gf or a friend (chicken way of telling me its over) and that he would like to be friends with me and that maybe we can be together in the future. I stupidly met up with him tonight and of course he got aggressive as he didn't want to talk about the relationship. Anyway to cut the long story short i ended up in a flood of tears and him telling me that he still wants to see me as a friend and that we are close. He is unsure of what he wants in terms of his career and where he wants to live and he was saying that i was adding to his stress because he felt that he had to take care of me. How do i get over this? Its so hard...i've been in other long term relationships before but ive never been hit so hard over a break up like this one now. I guess i really thought that we were going to be together for the long haul but he didnt feel the same way. He kept telling me that I was the nicest gf hes ever had, that was almost always happy and always tried to make him happy..if i was so great then why did he break up with me?I just need some help to get over this...i now see that there really is no hope of reconciliation. How do i get over this? has anyone else been in a similar situation and what was the outcome for you?
View related questions:
a break Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (26 March 2008):
 I agree with the others that this guy is just trying to make sure he has nothing to feel guilty for. If I were you, I would not respond to him at all. Just let it go. He told you how he felt and there is nothing to be gained by you telling him you're great (because you're not) or worse yet, if you start to cry and get emotional, you don't want him to be witness to any of that. So for the time being, it's best just to let it go. You were kind to send a birthday text and that is all he gets. He doesn't get to know how your doing or feeling or that he's confusing you.
I will tell you from experience, a clean break is always best. You can see him down the road when you're feeling good about yourself and when you don't think about him anymore. I know it's hard to do but every day you have without contact with him is a good day, a day to build on.
Take care of you. Be strong, you're doing great. If you need to write to someone, you write us back.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2008): You keep asking the same question over and over again. And I wonder if you're even reading any of these people's responses, or if you just come on this website to have someplace to vent. Anyway, I think it's time for some tough love, honey.
Breakups are generally hard, and if it's hard for you then it's hard for him too. But this guy is just using you to feel better about himself. He doesn't want to think that you hate him or that he is the cause of your unhappiness BUT really that's all it is. He is really just being a decent human being. That is why he keeps checking in to make sure you are ok. If he wanted to get back together you would already know because he would have already told you. Today's the 25th so it's been what... two and a half weeks now?
Please for your own mental state, stop wracking your brains trying to justify his behaviour. It doesn't matter why he's contacting you UNLESS his messages say he wants to try and work it out. You have to start thinking about your own behaviour because it sounds like you're strung out. Start concentrating on ways to make yourself feel better unless you like feeling like crap all the time. If so, then nothing anyone says can really help you now can it?
...............................
A
female
reader, Tamarillo +, writes (25 March 2008):
Tamarillo is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni sent him an ecard in the end..wishing him a happy birthday and have a great day then ended it with a comment of the card is funny in a weird way.
He replied to me straight away pretty much. Just said thank you (but used petname he used to call me when we were still together) and then signed off with the word kisses and then his name. I didn't check my email that he replied as i was busy and while i was out i sent him a text to say that if he didn't get the card then happy birthday. He replied to my text straight away and said he replied to the email and then asked how i was. I ignored it and then later on that evening he tried to call me but i left my phone elsewhere and he left a voicemail message to say hello and see how i was doing etc and if i wanted to talk to him that i could always call him.
The question i have now is..what should i do now? It seems clear to me that he doesn't want me back right? So why did he call me when the text msg was sufficient? Should I respond in kind or just leave him alone? Now hes back to calling me by the petname he gave me when were going out with each other again (he stopped using it for a bit). That bugs me too!
...............................
A
female
reader, Tamarillo +, writes (25 March 2008):
Tamarillo is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni sent him an ecard wishing him a happy birthday andhave a great day. the replied back. I didn't check my email if he replied or not and sent him a text saying in case he didnt get my ecard that i wished him a happy birthday. he replied to that text and said he replied to the email and askedhow i was. Later on in the evening he tried to call me and ask how i was etc. I don't really know what to do now...do ijust ignore him and leave him alone now?
...............................
A
female
reader, Tamarillo +, writes (23 March 2008):
Tamarillo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyeah i guess i will just send an email to him just saying that and thats it. I don't want to answer his questions about how i am and what i've been doing. I don't know why he still contacts me like every week now. I guess he still wants reassurance that me made the right decision.
...............................
A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (22 March 2008):
How about, "Happy Birthday, Name. Have a great day." Simple and it will let him know you care. He probably expected you to be crawling back to him but if there is ever to be a chance at getting back together, you are doing the right thing playing it cool like you are.
He is still contacting you because I believe he does care. He is probably confused about his feelings so continue to give him his space.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tamarillo +, writes (22 March 2008):
Tamarillo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionanyway..just as i was feeling awful yesterday i checked my email account and saw that he sent me an email. He was just asking how i was and wishing me a happy easter then going on about his situaton and how change was slow.the annoying thing was that he referred me as my petname he used to call me when we were still together. i don't know why he does this. Anyway i've been strong so far and not replied.
I will send him a birthday text and thats it with no message other than happy birthday.
Do you think that is reasonable? Why does he still contact me? is it to relieve his guilt and make himself feel better?
...............................
A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (21 March 2008):
What you are feeling is normal. It is normal to have the inkling of hope when you really care about someone. Go ahead and send a text or quick call to wish him a happy birthday. No harm in that, but do not expect any response from him, other than thank you. Realize that this will set your recovery back and you will most likely feel bad and then have to start over. But in live I have felt it is better to regret that which you have done than to regret that which you did not do but wished you had.Take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tamarillo +, writes (19 March 2008):
Tamarillo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI keep thinking about it when i have my moments..when its time to go to bed or in the mornings. Its such a hard feeling to get rid of. He hasn't contacted me at all since that phone call last Thursday. I guess it really is over...my mind and logic says it is but my heart still feels like it isn't over and that there is still hope. Is there something wrong with me?I feel like wishing a happy birthday this weekend as it is his birthday. I don't expect anything back from him..but I do want him to know that I still care.
...............................
A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (18 March 2008):
I expect that in the past you were dependent on him and lately you have shown your independence and this is new to him and puts him in a whole other world, one he is probably not used to nor comfortable with. Continue on as you are doing. You really need to find some independence. It is possible that if you truly can be that independent woman that he would be attracted to that new you. But don't count on it. go on and have your new life. Keep him on the outer circle.
Take care of you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tamarillo +, writes (18 March 2008):
Tamarillo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk after that evening where i regretfully asked to meet up with him. I left him alone...no contact what so ever. Then last tuesday he texted me along the lines of "are you ok? hope you are feeling better...I don't like to see you cry!". I ignored it and so next day he sent me an email with the pretense of sending me contact details of a recruitment agent he was using to find a job (I'm job hunting at the moment). I ignored that and he phoned me up that same evening but didn't pick up the call. The next day (thursday) he phoned me up again..i stupidly answered it thinking it was apotential job from a recruitment agent and he asked me why i was ignoring his messages and emails and whether i got the contact details. I just said to him that I didn't reply as I thought it wasn't urgent. He ended phone conversation with let me know how you're doing. Since then i have heard nothing from him.
Why did he bother to contact me last week? He had already told me it was over that evening. Its his birthday this week and i feel so tempted to send him a birthday greeting but i know that him being a man he wouldn't care at all whether i do or not.
I just want to get back together with him...it hurts so much! :*(
...............................
A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (8 March 2008):
This guy didn't want to hurt your feelings and he most likely truly does care about you. That is why he said those nice things. Really, if he was with you for 2 years he most likely does think you are great, etc. However, he has decided to end your relationship. I think he should realize that you need time to get over your feelings and your attachment and that at this time you are not in a position to be his friend, maybe later. As for thinking you'll get back together, don't let your mind play hope games with that. The only way to get over him is to say it's over, like you've done.
It will hurt and you will be sad and feel bad but eventually, you will go on. As you've said, you've been hurt before, maybe not as bad, but you did get over that and you found someone new. You will find someone new again when you are ready.
Tell your ex that you understand what he wants (this to be over) but that you need to have space to move on and you will give him a call when you're ready to be friends. Which you may never be.
He said he though he had to take care of you. I would suggest to you that you be more independent. Maybe you are but for some reason he felt you were dependent on him and there are a lot of people out there who can not be responsible for someone else's happiness. So go out there and find ways to be independently happy without a guy and then the right one will come along.
Take care of you.
...............................
|
