A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice. I am aware I need to leave this relationship but I need input on how and whether it's really something I should do. I hae a 2 1/2 year old son who considers my boyfriend his "dad" bc he's been there since he was 2 weeks old. Last year (we've been together 2 1/2 years) it was awful. He drank constantly and wouldn't ever invite me out an put me down constantly. Well things got better and just about 3 weeks ago it's happened all over again.He tells me I'm too clingy and that I'm too emotional. And yes, I am because I crave his attention because he NEVER gives me any. Just tonight we went swimming (only because his friends girlfriend told me to come he didn't invite me) and he sat there in front of everyone and said he could do better than me, our relationship was pretty much over, I live off of him, etc. he even said he had slept with girls before me so it was no big deal if he lost me because he'd find other girls. My boyfriend isn't someone who should be so conceited he does have a weight problem and I'm a great girlfriend. But I feel like a slave. I'm constantly cleaning and parenting but yet he gets mad when I make decisions about my sons life but he doesn't do anything but work, play video games, and go out. Its hard and I just new advice.Anyone else been through this...with or without a child? He constantly tells me "to learn my place" since we live together. I love him so much but I'm miserable when he puts me down when he's in a bad mood...
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2012): He basically broke up with you in front of his friends .. what a jerk!
If you're unhappy with the men you know in your town, keep in mind that as a nurse you can find a job pretty much anywhere. Do you have friends or relatives somewhere else? Moving and finding a new place to live, a new job, day care, etc. can be difficult when you're on your own, but it's possible if you plan carefully.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for the advice I really appreciate it. I do want y'all to know I'm not blowing off your advice, I'm just working on taking the steps I need to! Thanks again for the support and advice
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female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (4 July 2012):
 I mean BondGirl72 (sorry!)
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female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (4 July 2012):
I agree with Bondchick72, he is being emotionally abusive to you. Now you are second guessing your reasoning for leaving because you are getting scared perhaps of moving on or changing the situation. You will be the sole parent for your young son.
Yes, this man is being emotionally abusive to you. He will NOT change. Ever. You can blame it on alcohol, working, the heat or any other thing you can think of but right now you are in the bargaining stage.
The fact is that there are plenty of people who work hard. They come home and their spouse and family are a source of solace for them and they enjoy spending time with them. That's the way this guy should be with you, wanting to spend Saturday night with you, not his buddies. He's feeling trapped with you (and perhaps your son too.) This is the reason he is putting you down. He doesn't really want to be with you. You need to hear what he is saying.
I also agree that your son deserves a better role model than him. Your son will grow up to teach some woman to "know her place." So what if he plays catch once in awhile. It doesn't make up for the blueprint he is putting into your son to abuse women and one day your son will show you the same disrespect this guy is.
Please move on. We've been there and the reason so many of us are on this site giving the advice we do is because we have been through these issues and we want to help you and give you a chance to take a more successful road in life.
The bottom line is this guy doesn't respect you, he doesn't want to be with you and he is teaching your son more than catch.
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female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (3 July 2012):
 Also, since you asked, the best way to overcome this is to move forward WITHOUT this guy so that you and your son can live a positive and passionate life. You do what the rest of us do...first you leave, then you take steps to make your life more positive. Everyday you do something differently to build yourself up and un-do the damage of this guy. There is no easy way to get over someone you cared about. You just have to move in the right direction and do things to distract yourself/help yourself forget.
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female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (3 July 2012):
This is what emotional abuse does to a person. It makes you question your own thoughts and feelings. It makes you wonder if you are being too hard on the guy. Please do not do this to yourself. You came here to ask advice for a reason. Please take it to heart. Many of us have been through what you are going through...or at least have gone through it to an extent. We know that most people do not change their behavior. Why do you love him? Because he treats your son ok? Does he do things with your son? Does he set a good example for him? The main issue is he is emotionally abusive to you. No little kid needs a man in his life who emotionally abuses and bullies his mom. No kid needs that. You are not doing your son any favors by staying with this guy. I know you love him, but what positives is he adding to your life? What is he doing to lift you up and encourage you? What is he doing to support mentally, emotionally, and spiritually? It doesn't sound like he does much of anything. All he does is tear you down. I have been in this position and know how much it hurts, but I also know that if you allow this to continue, it will continue to drag you down until you are emotionally broken. Your son need YOU, he does not need someone who constantly bullies and belittles his mother. The future just holds more of the same if you stay with this guy. Please do not talk yourself into that you are expecting too much or being too hard on him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not only with him to find a father for my son. That is why its so hard to leave him though. He is good with Haedyn but I have to ask him to help. If I don't ask I do everything. I pretty much do anyway. I bath him every night, I take him potty, etc. he does cool for him occasionally and plays when he's not exhausted from work. I do give him options to have a say so with my sons life.
I do love this guy and maybe I'm the reason for his actions sometimes bc I do gripe sometimes at him but it's because I just want us to do things together as well. He works 6 days a week and maybe I'm being unreasonable asking him to do things with us some Saturday's when that's the only night he really does anything. Idk
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2012): I'm glad you had great assistance from everyone:
Let me play devils advocate for a while:
Are you with this man only because you want a father for your son???
Think about my question: is it a harsh question? Or is it a realistic one.
Does this man contribute to your kids wellbeing: time, resources, emotional connection? If yes then you have NO right making unilateral decisions concerning your son. You should make decisions together with this man for your son.
Okay so you have moved out: you are only 22: will you be scouting around for another dad for your kid? Are you looking for a proper relationship OR are you looking for a baby daddy?
I'm sorry if I have offended you with my above comments but I just wanted to suss out the correct reason why you are with this man.
LoveGirl
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female
reader, HughHefner'sPlaymate  +, writes (2 July 2012):
 Sounds like he's abusing you emotionally. You've mentioned several times that you know you should leave him, I hope you follow through and get away from him. Although he treats you badly and disrespect you I notice you've taken the time out to say how wonderful he is at times and how much he loves your son. However when a man says to a woman "know your place" that's just awful, and he sounds a bit sexist to me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Abella. I myself think I'm a good mama as well. Glad I got some input from some people about this situation. I'm going to go ahead and start staying at my house and see how things go. Our relationship hasn't always been this way. When I used to put my foot down he never treated me so badly so I guess well find out. I have to do something because I can't live miserable forever!
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reader, Abella +, writes (1 July 2012):
 hi
You sound very responsible. And a great Mother.
Plus I am glad your career path is nursing. Because that is a great career path. Skills like that will take you anywhere. I think you and your son have a great future as a result.
Best wishes,
Abella
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd lol Melanie that answer made me smile. I'm aware I have to leave to everyone that posted. I do have my own how (that's why I don't understand why he says I live off of him) but he tells me he wants ushere and when he's not in foul moods he's a good person. Like I said he has never said things in front of my son or about my son, he says he only stays because he loves my son so much. I do have a job, I'm a nurse I can fully make it on my own. It just sucks having wasted so much time with someone who I imagined being my child's adoptive father and now this all blows up. I'm from a tiny town and even though I'm only 22, I am afraid being trapped in this town with all these pos men I will never find someone good enough for me and my son. I did get most of my stuff out last night while he was sleeping, I actually had a babysitter for the first time in months to do so.
Thanks for the advice you guys
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm sorry but I got pregnant by a guy I dated got 3 years and he just up and decided to leave and I had known this guy though out my pregnancy. My boyfriend has never been physically abusive and even though he's mean to me, he adores my son (mind you he doesn't do this in front of my son). So questioning me as a parent was uncalled for because I'm a great mother who would do anything for my son.
The only problem I have is I let people walk all over me if my son was in harms way I would've left no questions asked.
I was seeking advice for the best way to overcome this. Not judgement on how I'm a mother because I'm a dang good one.
And to answer your question my ex/sons biological father signed rights over. My child's safety is worth more than money every mpnth
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reader, dearkelja +, writes (1 July 2012):
I agree with all the other posters who said to leave. Leave as fast as you can.
I want to add that he WILL say he is sorry and he will beg you to stay. I guarantee he will NOT change and very shortly after he has softened you up he will be right where he is today.
He doesn't want to be with you and he has made that perfectly clear.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2012): Uncomfortable questions I must ask for your son's sake:1) Do you know the identity of his biological father? If yes, then where is he and why isn't he paying child support? If no, then under what circumstances did you conceive a child?2) How/where did you manage to scrounge up a new boyfriend TWO WEEKS after giving birth?3) Is there ANY responsible adult to whom you could grant temporary and/or partial custody to protect your son from the unrelated controlling, verbally abusive male with a drinking problem who currently enjoys unrestricted access to a defenseless two-and-a-half-year-old?I'm sorry to have to say this, but your obvious lack of self-esteem and your apparent alarming lack of judgement regarding the men in your life make me question your fitness as a parent. I suspect you are a very unhappy, troubled, misguided young woman due to long-term, deep-seated issues dating back to childhood that are motivating and influencing your behavior in ways you are unable to directly understand so therefore you cannot consciously make the connection to your current circumstances. Please, please, please find a way to deliver your son into a safe haven, even if it requires you anonymously calling Child Protective Services on yourself, so you can then seek the immediate and intensive psychological help you so desperately need to break the cycle of abuse and dysfunction. Otherwise, you are very likely dooming your son to a hellish childhood
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reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (1 July 2012):
This is an abusive relationship to you and your son and you need to leave as soon as possible for your own safety. I am sorry your son sees this guy as a father figure because he is a VERY poor example of one. You do not want your son growing up in this type of environment where it is ok to say these things about women, or anyone for that matter. If you cannot afford to get a place of your own, think about family or friends or a shelter where you could stay temporarily. This is emotional abuse, which can be just as bad if not worse than physical abuse. Please leave him and do not have any contact with him. I don't know why anyone would tell you to sit down and talk with him or try to rationalize this behavior. It is obvious this type of person will not change. Do not try to change him as it will only make the situation worse.
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reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (1 July 2012):
 Hi,
Sorry you are going through this difficult time. I think he's disrespecting you because he supports you and your son. When he tells you, "know your place" that's what he means. Regarless, it's very disrespectful... I know you love him, and it's not your fault because we don't chose whom to love. I know he's been there for you and your son since he was born, and he's the only male in your sons life, but what's the point of supporting you and your son, feeding you guys & constantly rubbing in your face? A couple should be equal partners, respect and love one another. Believe me, we all have problems, but if there's something wrong, he should communicate with you, not put you down and disrespect you infront of his friends. I bet that if you were the sole provider he wouldn't be saying those things to you or treating you this way. Shows his true feelings for you. If he truly love you, he would accept you in good times and bad. He's not loyal to you. You are still young, you still have a chance to have a great life, be successful, and still have time to give your son an amazing life. You and your son deserve that. Just know that you and your son should be priority. Who cares what he says, put yourself and your life together. If you don't have a job, get a job, take special classes, do whatever you have to do to be happy, and do not depend on anybody and be strong. Be smart, make a plan, set goals, don't tell him, and if things doens't get better, have the 2nd option ready.
Best wishes/good luck!
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reader, Abella +, writes (1 July 2012):
He is History
You and your son will be far better off without him. He is NO role model for your son.
And it is not good for you nor for your son to see this nasty man demean you.
What a loser this guy his.
Thank goodness this loser has revealed his exterme inadequacy.
Do not even advise him you are leaving. He is abusive. He has proved that. And the moment you announce you are leaving he will become worse.
He wants you to lose all confidence in you.
He wants to belittle you until you are a broken woman.
Get out now and never look back.
Do not listen to any of his subsequent arguments that you should come back to him
In fact make it really hard for him to find you as well.
Do what you need to do to protect you and your son. This guy is totally BAD news.
I am so sorry you have had to suffer this insufferable man
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (1 July 2012):
 I agree with Auntie Bim Bim. You don't deserve this rubbish, he doesn't deserve you and your son certainly doesn't deserve to be in this situation with an unhappy mother and unstable 'parents'. Move on. Good luck.
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reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (1 July 2012):
 I love him but ...
How many times have we read questions from women who are being abused, emotionally, mentally and yes, even physically.
Listen to what he is saying, honestly listen, he straight out told you, in front of witnesses your relationship is over, that you 'live off him' and that he can do better than you.
He wants out, but is too gutless to sit down and discuss in a rational mature way, he wants you to learn you place, well so do I, your place is anywhere but there. I dont know where your family are, or friends, but you need to seriously start considering how you are going to get out of that situation, if that means putting a plan in place,putting all your personal and private papers together in a safe place, putting aside a little money every week for the next six months, or if it means contacting a women's support group, you need to remove yourself and your child from that situation.
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reader, Melaniee +, writes (1 July 2012):
 Kick his balls, he's a brick that needs to be slapped in the face with the dirt in your shoes, a man that talks like that to a woman is a piece of trash, don't be blinded by Love when its not there. You are wasting your time staying with him, show him you can also do so much better without his fatness, seriously woman to you want a trash like that to raise your son? he's disrespecting you big time, it will get worse if you don't say anything to him in return. You should stand up when he said that in front of everyone ....walked up to him and fart on his face..nip it in the butt, take your son away from that wannabe fat player
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