A
female
age
30-35,
*onfusedandinlove9319
writes:The title says it all.My boyfriend and I have been dating for about six months and we've been recently having fights about the direction of our relationship.He always tells me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me and is in love with me. But the other night, to comfort me, he told me that he's in this relationship because he needs me. That I may not be the one he wants but the one he needs.Then after he stuck his foot in his mouth with that statement he proceeded to tell me how you can find the prettiest girl to date but she will screw you over, so thats why he's with me.And that he's been with a number of gorgeous girls who have screwed him over, so he knows that him and I will work out.It tore me apart.I don't want to to be the ugly girl beneath his standards that he's with because he knows ill stay faithful and never leave him.I want to be the girl he not only needs but WANTS just as much. I got upset, told him I needed to think, and now we're on a break until I contact him. I guess my question is, how would u feel if your significant other told u this?Would u stay with them?Why/Why not?Your opinions will be greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, DazedConfused  +, writes (18 November 2012):
I totally get what he's saying. I have dated alot of hot, rich intelligent guys and all of them I felt equal to me in the sense of dating. But for various reasons the didnt work. Either I messed up or they did. And the relationships tended to be a bit false.My friend said to me give a nice guy a shot. So I did. At first I thought he was good looking but thought I could do better. But something else grew over time. I trusted him, respected him and now love him more than I have ever had with anyone else. and i need him.We all want the super hot guy/girl we all look at these super hot people. But what he has with you is more than what he could have from a superficial relationship. I could tomorrow go and get a gorgeous boyfriend, one that most girls would want, but I never will because I need and love the guy I'm with. He provides me with much more emotionally than anyone else ever could. I understand why your hurt.... He worded it wrong. I have said to my boyfriend many times " the reason I'm with you is because you make me feel safe, or I trust you, your uncomplicated, your an amazing guy, I respect you" Those are all true and why I now love and need him. Its just been a case of him wording it wrong. its a good thing. What you give him no one else can and I think he was trying to tell you that.If he thought you were just for sex, or just their for convenience, he wouldnt tell you. Men are clumsy sometimes. Try not to be negative xx
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 November 2012):
 Oh boy. Foot in mouth ? Your bf put in his mouth a whole dance company, ballet shoes doing pirouettes and fouettes all around.
I am a bit ambivalent about this. Sure, of course the poor guy is young and still a bit inexperienced in relationships maybe, - perhaps all he meant to say was that he does not care if you are not the most beautiful woman in the world ( which, objectively, I guess there are chances you are not , probably, say, Scarlett Johansson is prettier than you, and that's not something you should feel bad about ), you are the woman he has chosen and he still prefers you over any other woman, no matter how attractive or hot. Which would be a compliment. Only he put it in an unflattering way.
Then again, yes, I understand your dismay and disappointment. I think any woman wants to be WANTED, chosen, selected. Not just needed. A patient needs his nurse, a child needs his mom, a businessman needs his superefficient secretary. Needing someone means implying that the person is going to bring practical improvements to your life, and make it easier from some point of view.
But for a woman in love that can't be enough !- she wants to feel sought after and desired per se, regardless of what positive influence and practical advantages she brings to her partner's life , i.e. regardless of her convenience and utility.
Then, your bf has basically told you that if he could have it his way, he'd chose women from a different league from yours, but THEY don't want him and move on to other "better" males,- while you can't afford to do that , so you are a safer bet.
Ouch.
I admire the other Aunts' equanimity in front of similar issues, but I'd have trouble imitating it- and surely I could not have imitated it at your age , OP. I think age does make a difference, when you are 50 or 60 most people accept that "you can't always get all you want " and are content with a reasonable, decorous compromise.
But at 18 ? At 18 , being in love ALSO means seeing through the eyes of love , which are notoriously bad sighted and inclined to weird misperceptions . At 18, if you are in love, you also see your love object as wondrous and fantastic and the bee's knees. You do see a toad ( or a toadette ) as ALREADY a prince ( or princess ). You don't say ," Well, there are potentially countless better options, but they are scarcely available to me, so , considered all factors including general compatibility, health state and pension plan or savings, I think I could do worse than being with X " Where's the magic, the wonder, the miracle , the poetry of a young romance ?...if either one is just totally " sensible " and settles for the safer,easier-to-handle option ?...
As you can imagine...yes,personally I think you could do much better and get much more than your bf's halfhearted seal of approval.
BUT, I don't even want you to ditch a possibly very good boyfriend who only has foot-in-the-mouth syndrome, or perhaps an hyperrational attitude to relationships.
So, I'd tell you to suspend judgement for now, and observe closely how he acts with you. If he DOES the things that a man in love does, if he treats you like a princess even if he does not TELL you you are one, if he makes you feel loved, desired, appreciated, special- not just necessary or " needed ". If you are happy together, basically, regardless of this little unfortunate episode.
If the answer is yes , then keep him and ... I don't know, sign him up for romance classes. Or force him to watch again and again old Cary Grant's movies until he masters a more polished approach to courting :)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 November 2012):
 That would just not fly with me, I would definitely take it as he was "only" with me for the lack of a "better" mate.
I can't tell you what you should do, I'm just saying this would NOT make me want to be in a relationship with a guy like that.
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A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (18 November 2012):
 I remember being told something very similar to that when my husband and I were dating. At the time it did hurt a little, but I also knew where he was coming from. I was the complete opposite of what he had always considered to be his "ideal" girl. As he got to know me, he realized that the type of girl he "thought" he always wanted, wasn't what made him happy.
The "need" obviously grew into "want", we've been married now for almost eight years, and he says he can't imagine his life with anyone else.
I understand what your boyfriend was trying to tell you, he just didn't chose hie words very carefully.
The things we want aren't as valuable as the things we need. Keep in mind, what we say we want, we can usually live without, but it isn't that easy to live without the things we need.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 November 2012):
 I'm afraid that your B/F came up a bit short on the TOTAL meaning(s) of "want" and "need". So, let me help you....
He "wants" you to be his arm-candy so that he can show you off to his guy-friends... AND he won't have to sit home on Friday and Saturday nights, without a "date."
He "needs" you to fulfill his manly, se*ual, "needs".... and, as long as you acquiesce to them, HE has "all" that he wants (a girl who "puts out"), and he doesn't really have to be too nice if he has you believing that you and he are in-l;ove sufficiently that he keeps getting a little...
If you can add THIS in to your commentary about how delightful your's (and his) relationship is.... you will find that your rose-coloured glasses are really out-of-focus, after all.... and you are misleading yourself...
Good luck......
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (18 November 2012):
 I would feel he is being honest but he doesn't know how to speak tactfully. There are different kinds of beauty. There is natural beauty and stunning beauty. Stunning beauty appeals to the male ego, make people envy. It does not mean natural beauty is any less than stunning beauty.
I myself find that guys who can "screw" for hours are not usually good in relationships, but I am okay with guys who last 10 minutes. I would never say that to a man I love, even deep down inside I want both, a long lasting lover, and long lasting husband. In reality I know it's unrealistic to expect both. It sounds like he using that statement to express underlying anger that he can't have both. Well tough puppy, you don't always get what you want in life. It's unfortunate that you are the receiving end of his bitterness.
He is not a horrible guy. He just needs some maturity. If you break up with him over this he may learn that to keep what he needs he needs to appreciate what he has, and treat you or any women like he would treat those beauty queens.
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