A
female
age
41-50,
*eedadvise
writes:I need some answers, recently me and my fiance of 2 yrs have been having problems a couple of months ago I found some text messages from his phone to a girl and when I confronted him about them he said that it wasnt him and that a friend from work was using his phone even though I don't believe him I did let it go but now it seems that with every argument that we have he says how he is going to leave me but things then the next day even though I'm still mad he will tell me how much he loves me and talks about plans for the future. A week ago he got very upset and told me that he was going to move out in 2 weeks, well yesterday he told me that a trip that we had been taking about was all ready hotel, flight everything, so when he told me that I looked at him and said so does that mean you're not leaving then he just told me oh k well I guess I'll just cancel everthing. Like an hour later even though I don't want to lose him I told him that we needed to decide how we will divide everything I was thinking that maybe it would open the conversation of everything that is happening because he never wants to talk, well it didn't he just said to do what ever I wanted, then at night when we were in bed he started hugging me but never said anything. I guess my ? is that since he doesn't have the courage to put an end to the relationship should I because I just feel that he is playing games or that he is ok with not talking for days and that is a way of life. I love him but I also want to be able to be happy not fairytale happy but just enjoy each other am I asking for to much is this just what a real relationship is like. Please help because I need to know if it is time to let go
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (1 August 2009):
 Let me ask you, when you said talk about splitting everything, did you want it to end, or were you just saying that to see what response you'd get from him? I think when he gets angry he gets diarrhea of the mouth. But that doesn't make it okay. It seems as if the threats are being used to validate the desire for one another. You two need to seriously talk if this is going to work out. You actually de-validate the importance of the other when you talk the way you guys have. When you're arguing, you need to work out better ways of communicating. Neither one of you needs to feel as if you're not important to the other one. That's damaging, and your relationship will continue suffering because of it.
A
female
reader, Renee okc +, writes (1 August 2009):
He sounds like someone I know, It seems like is just willing to go along with whatever you want to do. How can you be with someone you isn't going to be around every other day. I would say end it and move on and when he see's that you are serious maybe he will start talking to you about the problems that you are having. He may want to end it but is scared of the What If factor which is understandable but if he being disrespectful who needs that drama in there life, honey life is hard enough without someone constantly bringing you down. You can find joy in other things but if he won't even take the time to try to fix ya'll problems then he needs to hit the road. Trick divide everything take what is yours and leave him to him text messaging or what ever it is that he is doing. I understand what your saying but unfortunately love doesn't fix everyone and everything and sometimes you need to look out for yourself instead of worrying about him.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (1 August 2009):
 It sounds like he tends to fly off the handle at times and say things he doesn't mean. I think that you should have a talk with him and let him know how you feel when he does these things. At the same time he can talk to you about how he doesn't mean what he says in anger and if you should take what he says with a pinch of salt. Both of you need to get on the same page communication-wise so that things don't get misinterpreted.
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2009): Hi!
It sounds to me like he says things he doesn't exactly mean when he is angry and then regrets it later. He loves you, but sometimes he loses control and then when you confront him about it later, he is ashamed and just goes on whatever you say. And when you do mention it again, prehaps he feels that it really is what you want, so he just solemly agrees. But you're still sleeping together at night, and he is still telling you he loves you. Have you ever asked him if he REALLY wants to leave? Have you asked him if he says these things out of anger and really doesn't mean them? I think you should sit and have a serious discussion. Tell him that you love him and you want to committ to him fully and he has asked you to do that and you have agreed. So if he really wants you to, then to please stop making these threat. But if he really does want it to end, then he needs to stop dragging you around and teasing your emotions about it. That it's only hurting you more. Because to me, of course i'm not there everytime, it sounds like they're empty threats to work at you when he's mad. Goodluck with it.. i hope it turns out to your wishes.
take care.
~Sy.
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