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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi, My problem is that me and partner are not having a lot of sex of late and its been going on for quite a while. No he's not cheating, and I have talked to him about it. The problem is that it seems that I'm the only one bothered about whether we have sex or not. I'm the one that initates it or we don't have sex. I have asked him whats up and he says nothing and that he loves me and thinks the world of me and can't see that there is a problem. He says that we don't have to have sex all the time so show we love each other. Whilst i understand this i am finding it hard as quite a few times he does turn me down when it comes to sex and i do get upset about this. He seems to think that things are fine. He fancies me thinks I'm sexy but doesnt always want sex. How can i get him to initate sex with me ? he says that we dont ahve to have sex 24/7. When we first got together we had sex a hell of a lot... we have been together 2 years and i know it dies down a bit... but we both had a very high sex drive and i thought great we are very likeminded.. well we are very likeminided he was always wanting sex and thigns were real great, we had the best sex ever, all of a sudden hes like we are together and we love each other wheres the prob ? i dont get how someone that was so into sex has gone off it ? it seems that i have a high sex drive and he doesnt anymore. The other thing is he does look at porn.... is looking at porn and getting off really that different to having sex with your girlfreind ? he doesent do it all the time but times when i have tried to have sex and hes said no, ive seen that hes looked at porn the next day... is it that he cant be botherd ? when i asked him he was like its in my head and that we do have sex and that he loves having sex with me just doesnt need it all the time... ive told him over and over how i feel and it doesnt change... i just wnat him to start initateing sex wiht me agina.. make me feel that he fancies me and when i say this he says that he does fancy me or he wouldnt be here... we do totally love each other .. have lots in common and uesed to have alot of sex in common.. how do i get him back to his horny self ? its making me real unhappy as im looking for reasons why im not attractive and inventing stuff in my head... he says there is nothing wrong with me and that he loves me for me... i just want our sex life back, i totally fancy him all the time... it drives me nuts... i just want to be like a normal couple that has sex a couple of times a week ... the rest of the relationship is totally fab, its just this part.. how can i change it i dont want to ruin what else we have got by getting all upset over this! please help me to get him to see where i am coming from.. i just want him to be attracted to me all the time and to start wanting more sex with me.. there is no reason why we shouldntbe having sex, hes just gone off it.. do men just go off sex... ? is it a phase ? how do i get him back... i try everyting .. dressing up, dirty chat, handcuffs, anything naughty i do... but hes still not as interested as he was and i sometimes feel that when we have sex its just to get it over with ? how can i mend this ? please help . thanks
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reader, NordicBeauty +, writes (6 July 2005):
It sounds to me like you are trying to compete with your boyfriends "porn stars" by desperately trying anything to make him horny for you. (handcuffs, dressing up, dirty chat, being naughty, etc)Sweetie...be yourself...pull away from him & make yourself busy with other interests (sports, exercise, new hobbies)I believe since he is masturbating to porn, that he DEFINITELY has the sex drive, but too much porn DESENSITIZES people to a normal, healthy sex life.Their fantasies override reality.You are trying too hard honey...and he senses it & pulls away from you.He is a MORON if he keeps watching porn and does not enjoy the beautiful sexy creature right in front of him !Communicate to him that you are frustrated by not having your sexual needs met...then STOP and pull back.No more sexual initiation from you...it's his turn.Wait...be patient...and then wait some more.If he does not WAKE UP & come to you...guess what?He's not that into you...it wasn't meant to be.You deserve a man who adores & cherishes you, who can hardly wait to be sexually intimate with you and you ONLY.
A
reader, pops +, writes (6 July 2005):
There is sex, and then there is sex. You don't give enough detail about your sex life when it was good to give us a clue as to what his problem might be. YOu say he looks at porn. Have you talked to him about what he sees in porn movies that is so stimulating to him? Do you both like oral sex, and use it as foreplay and sometimes the main course? What about mutual masturbation? Or Anal Sex? Seems to me you can start by surprising him in the shower, or bathtub, by joining him to wash his back. And the rest of him. Then dry him. If he doesn't want to have sex, leave it at that. But pamper him, and let him know that you desire him sexually, everyday. Surprise him with oral sex while he is watching his porn movies. I suspect that will at least get him to talk to you about it. Wake him up with a handjob, or blow-job, and climb aboard. If he's " too tired " for sex in the evening, he can't use that excuse in the morning ! Keeping a relationship going takes effort. It works best if both people openly communicate their feelings to their SO, but not all people will do this, all the time. He needs to understand that you have needs, too., and if the relationship is to survive unbruised, he needs to talk to you. Let you in on his unfulfilled sexual fantasies. You are obviously willing to engage in a variety of activities to make him happy. Ask him why he is saying " No" ? Sex is adult Play. Its suppose to be fun. He's nuts if he doesn't enjoy playing with a living human being, instead of simply exploring his fantasies with movies. Is there anything that the porn stars do to men that you won't do to your BF? Does he know that? pops
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reader, pops +, writes (6 July 2005):
There is sex, and then there is sex. You don't give enough detail about your sex life when it was good to give us a clue as to what his problem might be. YOu say he looks at porn. Have you talked to him about what he sees in porn movies that is so stimulating to him? Do you both like oral sex, and use it as foreplay and sometimes the main course? What about mutual masturbation? Or Anal Sex? Seems to me you can start by surprising him in the shower, or bathtub, by joining him to wash his back. And the rest of him. Then dry him. If he doesn't want to have sex, leave it at that. But pamper him, and let him know that you desire him sexually, everyday. Surprise him with oral sex while he is watching his porn movies. I suspect that will at least get him to talk to you about it. Wake him up with a handjob, or blow-job, and climb aboard. If he's " too tired " for sex in the evening, he can't use that excuse in the morning ! Keeping a relationship going takes effort. It works best if both people openly communicate their feelings to their SO, but not all people will do this, all the time. He needs to understand that you have needs, too., and if the relationship is to survive unbruised, he needs to talk to you. Let you in on his unfulfilled sexual fantasies. You are obviously willing to engage in a variety of activities to make him happy. Ask him why he is saying " No" ? Sex is adult Play. Its suppose to be fun. He's nuts if he doesn't enjoy playing with a living human being, instead of simply exploring his fantasies with movies. Is there anything that the porn stars do to men that you won't do to your BF? Does he know that?
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