| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I am at my wit's end! My boyfriend blames me for the disagreement we are now having. He says I am paranoid and don't trust him and he acts passive aggressive, dismissing all my feelings and then later cutting off all conversation with me. I have real concerns and he tells me he doesn't care. And that I am the bad person who is causing him to be upset, when in fact, I am upset because of his actions! He will not acknowledge his actions. Instead he turns the tables on me, blames me, minimizes my concerns, and blows up and gets angry, and then punishes me with silence. And he told me to go find a new boyfriend if he cannot make me happy. He told me to just leave. Is that what a loving boyfriend acts like? When his girlfriend is worried and has a concern about his behavior and questions him about it?What happened was we broke up for about a month. We have since made up and are a couple again. When we broke up he blocked me from everything and he even changed his phone number on his mobile device. We are now back together but he still won't give me his new phone number. He says not until we are solid again, and he feels that I have changed. What caused our break up is my lack of trust in him. He lays all blame on me for the break up without looking in the mirror and realizing he consistently did things which made me feel uneasy, even after I talked to him about it. And I blew up at him because he kept doing things which I perceived as being shady, such as keeping things from me. I told him keeping things are lies of omission, meaning they are still lies. That is what caused the rift between us. He says he doesn't have to share every mundane detail of his day with me and that I ask too many questions. He wants a girlfriend, not a warden. I get that but he can't seem to understand that his actions cause me to act like a warden. He gives me reasons not to trust him. Lies of omission are damaging to trust. They paint a picture of events according to the way he wants me to perceive what happened, not what actually happened. He thinks leaving info out is no big deal and says I am over reacting and expecting too much. I am expecting too much by asking for full honesty? He went out the other day to the bank. He said he went to the bank and that was all but after the bank he was at that mall for over an hour. He did not tell me he was there over an hour. I asked him because I saw his Google Maps timeline and forced him to admit it. Then he said, oh, by the way, I was also window shopping. Sorry, I meant to tell you. If he told me he was at the bank, why couldn't he tell me he went window shopping? Hmmm. He omitted that information. Why? He told me he went to the bank. The perception is he was in and out. But he hung around that plaza after for over an hour, or at least his phone was there. That was a lie of omission. He said he didn't tell me because it was inconsequential. How is it any less inconsequential than going to the bank? To me, it looks like he was hiding something. Then he went to the store to buy peanut butter a couple of days ago. I asked him how his day was. All he said was he was cleaning out the garage all afternoon. We were having a conversation about the day and never once did he mention that he went out for peanut butter. Until I asked him point blank. Is that all you did today? Clean out the garage? Then he said he went out to get peanut butter and for a short drive around the neighborhood. But again, he withheld it from me. Why could he not tell me that? He said he withholds information from me because I don't trust him and that every time he goes out, I will think he is going to see another woman. So, he feels it is best not to tell me he went anywhere. That way I won't ask him questions and that way he will have a good and peaceful day if he keeps me in the DARK! Does that sound selfish to you? In my mind, it sets the stage for him to go somewhere on any given day to see someone else and NOT TELL ME! Why? Because it is inconsequential? No, it is a lie of omission! To a cheater, it is inconsequential after the fact because they don't want you to find out, and minimize what they did in order to soothe their own conscience, and avoid your wrath! And then BLAME YOU! IT is like he is setting me up to do something bad and then not tell me. He says it is my fault for expecting him to tell me everything he does. And what happened most recently just added fuel to this already raging fire. I am very creative and resourceful and with a little investigative work, I found out his new phone number. He has no idea I know it. So I went onto Whatsapp and saw he was last active a couple of days ago. He thinks I cannot see when he is using the app because he has a new phone number and his online activity is invisible to me. But I do know. Unbeknownst to him, I have his new number. He does not use that app much. I asked him if he uses it. When was he last on it. He said he did not remember, even though he had just been on it the same day, only 2 hours prior to my asking him this very specific question. How could he not remember he was on it 2 HOURS AGO? That is bull. So, I keep asking and finally he admits he got a call on it and he doesn't know when the call came in. That he received a notification and went on to see who it was and called the person back because he didn't know them. Well, first off, that person called them over 2 MONTHS AGO! WHY would he go on yesterday to check to see who that was? And he said he called the number back but there was no record he called that number on his call log. He said he must have deleted it. He claims he is rarely on the app and that he knows nothing about it yet he was capable of deleting a message. He said he deleted it in case I go through his phone and get upset that he called that number. So that means he again HID something from me on purpose! Why would he go on Whatsapp to see a message from a person who mistakenly called him on JUNE 17? According to his history, he was on the app three times in August. Why would he not have seen it then? Again, it makes no sense. I asked why he was on it. He said if he was on it, it was to check out who that person was. But that person called over TWO MONTHS AGO. And he has since been on the app. I asked him all of this and he just BLEW UP AT ME. Told me to stop doing this to him. He couldn't take my questions. He was livid. And he just cut me off. And today he is out of touch all day. Another punishment for questioning him. He accuses me of never being happy with him, no matter what he does. Well, of course I am not HAPPY when he is always so SHADY!! Yet I get the blame?? I am suspicious and feel he could have talked to another woman and HID it from me and deleted all traces of the conversation on the app. His past behavior has shown exactly who he is. And what he is capable of - LIES OF OMISSION - Despite all my fights with him to get him to step it up and stop this behavior which is destroying this relationship! It is a vicious circle. I am happy when he pays attention to me and makes me feel loved but then he does something like this. And I get upset because that is when I feel he is being dishonest and withholding information, and seeing another woman. He tells me to stop trying so hard to find things that are wrong!! But I am not trying. They are right in front of me. It just seems he wants me to bury my head and he wants it all his way, and expects me to stuff my own feelings, needs, wants, and standards to put up with this hurtful, abusive and selfish behavior. I feel like maybe I want more and he wants less? I just don't get it. We are supposed to be in a relationship. That involves being honest and transparent with a partner at all times. Lies of omission chip away at trust. He keeps doing it. He keeps leaving information out. And it drives me up the wall. I am living in a constant state of what is he doing now? It has become an obsession to know what he is up to. Because he does not have me on solid footing. I do not feel safe with him. And I am trying to have the proper, honest conversations with him in order to get to the bottom of what is happening. But am I the only one who wants commitment here? Is that it? Yet he wants his freedom? To do as he pleases? Nobody in a long term relationship is free to do as they please. There is accountability to their partner. That means not hiding things they do, even if they reason it out in their own minds, to suit them. Lying causes more problems than being honest. I keep building my wall higher. He won't let me in. I feel like I am being set up to fail. I keep asking what is going on. He keeps getting angry, blaming me, and pushes me away. I am at my wit's end here. I do not know what to do. I feel like he may be cheating or wants to keep his options open. But then why did he get back together with me at all???
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2020): My dear, your narrative is that of an insecure and very paranoid individual. Everything that you've said your boyfriend told you when confronted with your paranoia and suspicion is true. You can't reason with a person constantly accusing you of things; and ever-suspicious of your every-move. He is an adult, he has a freewill, and he doesn't have to account to you for every minute of his day. You're only his girlfriend (maybe not for much longer); but not even a wife would be so probing and intrusive of every second of her husband's day. Not one who trusts him, and secure in herself. You give yourself rights and privileges you're far from entitled to! You act on suspicion without even a particle of evidence he's done anything wrong! You've created some violation you refer to as "lie of omission!" WHAT?!!
Everything you're suspicious of is about what he "might do!"
My day is so busy, that I must keep an itinerary and a journal to keep track of all that I have to do. I can only recall those most pressing details that happen to stick in my mind, not trivia! I automatically purge nonsense or trivial matters; or store them in the back of my mind to be forgotten. Some things simply slip my memory. If I was accounting for my time to you, those forgotten or inconsequential details are a lie of omission. Seriously?!! If that is not gestapo, I don't know what is? The guy undergoes the Spanish Inquisition, a body-cavity search, and cross-examination for every moment he's out of your sight. How confining and smothering that must be?
Unless he wears a body-cam (this is merely hyperbole, not a suggestion!), I really don't think you'd be happy with anything less than a full minute-by-minute account and report for his whereabouts. Then you go and spy on him! While knowing there's absolutely nothing incriminating found; and yet you still find a reason to be accusatory and confrontational. You set him up, to catch him in a lie! Tell me...who does that kind of thing? Having no real evidence, just the fact some minute-detail was left-out. When you spied on him; what you found was benign, insignificant, and non-incriminating! I wonder how "you'd" stand-up to such scrutiny and probing? I guess he'll never do that; so you'll never know!
You are categorically and comprehensively destroying your relationship with insane-jealousy and suspicion!
Your boyfriend has inherited what is leftover from your previous bad-relationship(s). You came into his life hauling a huge cargo of baggage that you've never lived-down or gotten-over. In an attempt to vindicate yourself of the past, and for what others have done to you; your boyfriend is now your target for correcting your mistakes with other guys. You never resolved the problems you had with those who are guilty; or whatever you feel you fell victim too.
You're sabotaging your current relationship with self-fulfilling prophecy. You are certain something is going to go wrong. You don't belief anyone can love someone as well as you can. You don't trust any man; so you seem to think your paranoid-behavior is a preemptive-measure that will keep him from cheating.
You're just so certain something is going to go wrong; but it's just a matter of time when! I presume you've decided you'd expedite that probability by causing trouble that hasn't happened yet! Fear is anticipating what terrible could happen before there is any reality that it will and can. Reacting on fear with suspicion and accusation creates disharmony, conflict, and distrust. Ultimately, there will be a split between the accused and the accuser. You are punishing your boyfriend, who hasn't done anything; but doesn't report every last detail for every move he makes to make you feel secure. Which wouldn't work even if he did, because you are convinced he is going to cheat on you sooner or later.
That's all your mind is focused on! The one thing you are successful at, is causing something to go wrong! What's wrong is you don't trust him, and you're still on probation.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2020): Men don't change they're behaviour until you have the guts to walk away. Walk away he's making you crazy and unhappy. The right guy will make you feel secure no questions asked. Get on tinder start dating get over him this guy isn't putting you first and he doesn't deserve your time. Don't put him first date someone else he's not worth it
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (5 September 2020):
 Oh my! You're not going to like my answer but I speak the truth and that can be hard to hear.
Just for one moment step back and take a breath. You say you're investigating him but I want to know why. What has made you so distrustful of him? And please don't say lies of omission.
A lie of omission would be him going out with another girl and then not telling you, not popping out for peanut butter or taking a quiet stroll around the shops for some peace and quiet from the constant interrogation that you put him through.
The crux of this matter is you don't trust him, you're constantly checking up on him to see where he is, who he's with and what he's doing and then you're deliberately trying to catch him out and then accuse him of lying by omission!
Has he ever cheated on you with another girl? Is that why you're so obsessed?
I'm so sorry to tell you this but your behaviour is unhealthy and is going to literally kill this relationship because you're justifying your behaviour and putting the blame on him.
A true investigator doesn't chase crime, they look at the facts presented to them and they do not act on an assumption, you, however, are not an investigator you are supposed to be his girlfriend yet you have spied on him on social media, you have obtained his phone number without his consent and have monitored his calls. You have monitored his movements on Google Maps and are constantly harassing him as to his whereabouts.
I don't know what country you're from but in the UK your behaviour is classified as stalking and is a criminal offence. If your boyfriend found out how obsessed you are and the things you've been doing, I think he would be very upset (probably not surprised though) and could be well within his rights to report you to the Police.
You're constantly having a go at him for being underhand with this "lying by omission" mantra you've adopted but your actions are far more sinister, disturbing and suspicious.
You have a problem and I think you need to seek professional help and quickly.
I'm sorry this is harsh but I actually believe that your boyfriend is at risk from you.
Please get help AB x
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 September 2020):
 " We are supposed to be in a relationship ". Are you indeed ? Are you sure ?
You sound just precisely ,exactly like one of our repeat posters, the Obsessive Mistress. Sad story for the person who's living it, but this poster , understandably, does not get much "tea and sympathy " whenever she posts here. Because she's only got herself to blame,obviously, and her troubles all come for her obstination in poaching on another woman's territory, so to speak.
So, talk about lies of omission, lol. You ( and I would bet good money on that ! ) omit to tell us this little detail, that your " boyfriend " has a wife, whom he is not going to leave ,...so that the answer you get will be necessarily different, and milder, from those you'd get if you had told the whole story. Tsk tsk. This is not fair play.
But in the ( very improbable ) case that our Obsessive Mistress has a spiritual twin sister, who writes exactly like her , has the very same worries and does the very same OCD things to control her -unmarried- partner...
well, OP, what are you asking us exactly ? How to make him do what you want ? How to make him obey you ? He won't, because he does not care. As you say yourself. " I have real concerns and he tell me he does not care ". " He told me to find a new boyfriend if he can't make me happy " " He told me to just leave ".
It does not sound like you've got much leverage, does it ? It does not sound like he is open to modify his behaviour and meet you half way; it does not sound like he is very concerned he 'll lose you if he does not toe the line.
I'd say the conclusion is self -evident. You won't get from him what you want, and this, you can like it, or lump it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 September 2020):
 This is way to long a story.
OP, you DO NOT trust him so why are you dating him?
And no, you DO not trust him further than you can throw him and MAYBE for good reason, however... you treat him like he is some naughty little child who HAD to tell you EVERYWHERE he goes EVERY second he is away from you. What he is is not your BF, he is your hostage! If you think by micro managing him and trying to control his life, where he goes, who he might talk to etc... will prevent him from EVERY cheating or doing something YOU don't want him to do... you are mistaken.
You check his phone? His apps? And you wonder why he doesn't want YOU to have his number? Well, DUH Lady!
You DO make this all about HIM being at fault without taking any personal responsibility yourself.
YOU are in your 30! and you "take a break" in a relationship?! No that is what teenagers do. If a relationship is ON/OFF it's because it really doesn't work and the two parties involved are too stubborn to admit it or too desperate to BE with someone, ANYONE.
You two are wasting each other's time.
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