| A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Dear cupid,I decided a long time ago to remain celibate until marriage. I am not religious, it's my upbringing. Sex outside marriage whether premarital or extra marital is taboo. I been talking to a woman who has shown interest in me, and decided to go on a date. However, after the date was set, what she said had a sexual undertones to it. I am not comfortable going out with a partner who does not share the same views about sex. I have tried overcoming this in the past with other women and have realised that this is something I can't deal with. This is a deal breaker in my books. Should I come up with an excuse to cancel the date or should I risk somehow offending her by mentioning the real reason. I would like to maintain friendship with this woman.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2020): She can't make you have sex and she probably won't suggest on the first date. Even if she does just say no thanks. And tell her your rules.
Guys date girls who don't want sex and they still enjoy each other in other ways.
Her sexual undertones chat may have for your benefit.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2020): Typo correction:
"They either go overboard by over-stressing their beliefs to the point of overkill; or they tap-dance and skirt-around what they believe."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2020): Avoiding transparency would seem to be more offensive to women. Hiding your values and standards out of fear, while assuming or anticipating you'd get a negative-reaction to the truth; leaves it up to people to read your mind, or draw inaccurate conclusions about you. How are these women supposed to know where you stand on sex unless you tell them?
People go from one extreme to the other. They either go overboard by over-stressing their beliefs to the point of overkill; or they tap-dance and skirt-around what they belief. Part of being an adult is learning how to deal with the truth; and building character by telling the truth.
Yes, we live in a world where people will try to humiliate you or degrade you for seeing things differently, having different political views, or how you worship. You have to be courageous as those who are blatant and vocal with their toxic-ideologies and in-your-face attitudes; who cram their beliefs down your throat! If you inform women that you practice celibacy before marriage, they will be given the option to pursue things further to see where it all leads; or just let you know that's not their point of view. You can't create any kind of relationship without trust as a foundation to build-on. Most people try to wait until they've gotten themselves deep into a connection with someone; then try to spring last-minute vital details and surprises at inopportune moments. Now that's how you humiliate yourself, and lose credibility.
Build the courage to stand-up for your values and beliefs. Surely others will do just that with you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2020): I am glad you made a choice and are sticking to it.But there are downsides to this.What if after marriage you find out you are not sexually compatible?What then?Are you gonna get married the five or six times it takes you to find someone who matches your desires?Are you going to live unhappy for years because you married someone you are not compatible with and do not believe in divorce? Maybe you are a sexual.That means you like relationships but have no sex.Maybe since you do not believe in sex before marriage you end up marrying someone a sexual but that person does not even know it yet because they also are a virgin.Your best bet is to try before you buy.Have you even ever dated anyone before??If not those views of yours might change..or not.I would personally never date a virgin...I like a experienced man.His wild oats are already sewn .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2020): Be honest with her. That's always the best option. And just to share my story. I was brought up to wait til marriage, just like you. Which I did. In hindsight, I missed out on a lot. You're young now and more idealistic in your beliefs, and firmly under your parent's thumb. But once you get older and get married and have one sex partner for five or ten years, you're going to regret not being able to have other experiences. You may call me crazy or not believe me. But just wait and see. Time will reveal all I say as the truth. I got married to a man who was a good person. The sex was okay. But I began to ask myself is this all there is? My inexperience led me to want to find out more about life, and people. My husband became boring. I loved him but I longed for experiences. It's like having apples for the rest of your life when you've never tasted oranges, grapes, watermelon, peaches, mangos, cherries, strawberries etc. Wouldn't it be nice to taste all the fruits to know which one you love the best? Instead of someday wondering what other fruits taste like? Getting bored of apples? It's a shame that parents brain wash their children into believing something is wrong with sex. And that it's wrong before marriage. It isn't. It's a natural form of human expression, bonding and intimacy and an expression of love and commitment. You don't have to be married to have a sexual relationship. We aren't living in those times anymore. You should be open and free and enjoying life. Marriage is a serious commitment. And then the fun is over.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2020): I think you should be honest. There are plenty of ways to tell her your concerns without being offensive. It’s normal to want someone who shares the same values as you. Most people will prefer that in a partner. Yes, you may lose your chance with her, but sometimes standing up for what you believe in involves making sacrifices.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 September 2020):
 I think the ONLY way to find yourself a partner who feels and thinks in the same lanes as you, is to BE very upfront about it.
Make SURE a woman knowns that THIS is how you feel and THOSE are your expectations for a partner. Then SHE can decide if SHE wants the same and if she is ABLE to do the same. Not that many people out there in your age group that are celibate.
They can't read your mind or your heart. So you NEED to use your words. OK?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 September 2020):
 You have any right to stay celibate as long as you wish and for any reason you wish, but I'd like you to realize that sooner or later most probably also your next dates with other women will have sexual undertones. Maybe not at the first date, maybe not at the third- but eventually yes ; because , if you don't tell her your stance about no-premarital sex, how is she supposed to know it or to figure it out ?!
The women would not even have your religion to give her a hint, say, if you were Muslim, and Muslim ( officially ) are fiercely against premarital sex...then they would imagine it.
But you must know by now that your choice , although perfectly legitimate, outside of a religious prohibition, is also very uncommon , very non-mainstream. So how's the poor lady supposed to know what she can say and what she cannot say, what she can suggest doing and what she should not, ... if you don't tell her clearly and frankly ?.
If you believe in your choice of chastity, own it, then ! Tell the women clearly what you told us, that you are not comfortable dating someone who does not share your views on sexual morals,- then it's up to her to say : OK, I understand or : No thanks, next.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (4 September 2020):
 I think if any relationship is to be successful it has to be based on trust and honesty.
You desire a partner who holds the same moral values as you but how are you going to know each other's opinions if you don't discuss them?
Don't cancel the date on an assumption, I would suggest you meet with this lady and tell her how you're feeling.
It can be unusual these days to find a companion who practices chastity before marriage but it isn't something to be offended by. Your new partner might be pleased to know you hold yourself and her in such high regard, or she may be put off but you owe it to her to let her choose whether she wants to pursue a relationship with you or not.
I don't think you should ever compromise your beliefs but, by the same token, you shouldn't expect anyone to compromise theirs either.
I do think it's important though, to let a partner know that you are attracted to them physically and to also let them know that you would like to be in an intimate relationship with them once you were married.
I hope your date goes well and your new partner respects your choices.
I hope this helps AB x
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (4 September 2020):
 I think all you can be is honest with her, then just let the chips fall where they may.
Go on the date with her, be yourself and just enjoy the first date. If you feel its appropriate to bring the subject up then do so. If she sticks around after that then you have found a good one. Either way you will no where you stand. If you don't hear from her again, well it was only the first date. Keep trying until you find a woman who is on the same page as you are.
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