A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Good afternoon, I have been married for 10 years. For the past years, my husband has told me he feels as though, I ask too much of him. Recently within the last year we opened up an auto shop and due to COVID he had to get a part time job, in addition to his full time job at the shop. He has been working two jobs now for 4 months. I also have a full time job, I cook almost on a daily basis, drop off lunch at the shop almost daily, I clean our entire house, laundry, grocery shopping, running errands for the shop and home, pay bills and help with anything else related to our son or family needs. I also help with cleaning the pool, garage and watering plants. However, my husband feels like despite everything I contribute to the house, I still ask too much from him. I’ve told him that the stuff I am asking for help with is typically stuff I can’t physically do or don’t know how to do. Examples: I asked him to spray for bugs, modify sprinkler system to turn on 2xday instead of 1xday, hang or assemble furniture heavy, and lastly pick up after yourself. My husband will often leave an almost empty soda can in the fridge, leave trash on counters rather than throwing them out, he will also leave soda cans in the sink rather throwing them out. He will leave his shoes anywhere, rather than putting them away in shoe cabinet. He also forgets to bring dishes from when I’ve packed lunch for him and they will pile up a weeks worth ( they are smelly and gross). He will complain when I ask him to pull weeds out, or clean the pool. I understand his time is limited and I try to be as patient as possible. But sometimes these task can go on for weeks before getting done ( sometimes months). Mind you, I pulled the weeds out 3x before he finally pulled them out a 4th time and sprayed. It’s frustrating because we have a big back yard so if I pulled the weeds, I expect you to spray rather than wait for them to grow again, it’s a lot of work to pull weeds out. He says I don’t give him enough time to get them done but when it’s been a week or two, I feel like that’s more than enough time. I appreciate his hard work as far as maintaining 2 jobs but I am also very frustrated with what I think is his lack of commitment or effort in things that have to get done outside of his employment. His car is a hot mess, I’ve cleaned it, washed the seats and made it look really nice. I’ve done this a couple of time, it is now back to what it used to be. He will sometimes spill oil or drinks in there and it can sit that way for months and it doesn’t bother him. I’ve refused to drive his car or ride in it because it’s gross. Anyone else experiencing similar issues? Am I being unrealistic here? Am I asking too much from him? Do I need to take a step back and stop asking him to do things around the house!? I’ don’t know anymore Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2020): Hire a high school kid to weed or do the pool.If you have kids teach them to weed and clean.They can do their share.Gosh I had my kids helping weeding and doing chores as soon as they can walk.I am their mother not their sevant.And why do you seem to make things harder than they have to be?Stop making your husband lunch at work.He can pack himself a sandwich the night before and if he does not be does not eat that lunch that day...he will learn fast on this one.You are giving yourself unnecessary extra jobs in the house that you do not have to do.And you know what???With working two jobs your husband is tried extremely so that I am sure burn out is not far away.Does he really have to do that extra job???Could you cut back on some areas so it is not nessasary?You can only push both of yourself so hard before something breaks.Are you gonna wait until one of you has a stroke or heart attack from the stress of it all?Mechanic work is physical and tireing.Give that poor man a break.I know you do a lot also but I think you put a lot of extra work in there that may be unnessasary. Also how hard is it to press a button on a spraycan???I am old and I can even spray weeds
A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (4 September 2020):
 This, in my opinion, is an age-old problem, that arises when the working partner doesn't appreciate just how much work goes into keeping a house and raising a family.
Your husband is working very hard. Trying to keep a business afloat is hard at the best of times during the Covid pandemic I can only imagine how much more difficult that is. He is also holding down a second job so he must be exhausted, I get that, however, you will be tired too. Not only are trying to support him and help where you can you're trying to run the home and raise a child and I know first hand how tough that is.
When my ex-husband and I split up, the first time he had the children for three days on his own, he had to call his mother over to help him and when I collected them he looked at me (probably seeing me for the first time in years) and said he was sorry. I asked him what he was sorry for and he admitted that he hadn't had any idea just how hard it was to look after children and try to do housework, he said he had been jealous that he had had to go to work every day and I got to stay home. He said he had never considered that I was working too and that maybe I was jealous of him being able to "escape" five days a week.
I can appreciate things from both sides and I can see that you appreciate him but I think that, at the moment, your husband is maybe only seeing his own struggles and not yours. It seems that because he has two jobs he sees his downtime as just for him and sadly that's not how a family works.
I think maybe, for now, you might need to lower some of your expectations and reconsider what jobs really matter, which ones are important and which ones are just niceties.
The ones that are important put up on the calendar for him, or a wall chart, the fridge, whatever you use. Try asking him rather than telling him, you know the type of thing "Darling, I know you've been working hard but I tried to do xxxx but couldn't manage it, do you think you could help me?" also try to only ask for one chore at a time rather than presenting him with a list.
Until your husband can appreciate how much you do and realise that you're both a team working towards the same goal, I'm afraid this is going to continue to be a problem. My experiences have also taught me that you can try and explain this to your husband but he will see it as you moaning and nagging.
Personally, knowing now what I didn't know then, I would pull the weeds, let him know I've pulled them and ask him to spray. If he doesn't spray then the weeds will grow back and then I'd leave them. He'll eventually see them and comment at which point I'd remind him he that he must have forgotten to spray them so now he'll have to pull them before he can spray, then say you'll pull the weeds with him to help him if he likes.
If he leaves the soda cans virtually empty in the fridge, leave them and don't buy any more when he says you're out of soda, you say but there are 10 cans in the fridge. When he tells you they're empty, just reply, Oh, I thought they were full, why would anyone leave empty cans?
Sometimes a visual representation of the problem can help the offender see the issue.
With regards to your husband being slovenly with leaving shoes lying around, his car being a mess etc, that's probably just him and you'll probably never change it. I would leave it, he's a grown man and he should be able to do these things for himself and no doubt he can but why would he when he has a wife who mother's him. You seem to have enough on your plate without worrying about cleaning things you don't need too.
Leave his car, if he wants to drive a "hot mess" let him.
I appreciate this reply probably sounds like I'm encouraging you to treat your husband like a teenage child but quite frankly he's behaving like one and in reality, you're unwittingly enabling him.
Stop mothering him and maybe he'll grow up a bit.
I hope this helps AB x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2020): I know people who throw hundreds of hours at tidying up and cleaning their places when it is not necessary. Your place can become like a bottomless pit if you do not work out a plan.The garden - why are you weeding by hand when you can put shingle all over the soil where weeds come up? You pay for it once and if it is done properly you never need to weed again. Or have flower beds removed and paved over. Have grass replaced by artificial.I have two neighbours. Both have a small garden of grass and some flower beds, both are ladies who live alone and struggle due to old age etc. One turned on her brain and had the flower beds shingled and the grass removed and replaced with artificial. The other left hers as it is. She spends at least ten hours a week trying to get it to look the same as the other, with no hope of achieving it. She can't mow the lawn so she will have to pay someone regularly. Yet she also claims to be short of money!You cannot have it both ways.Pools are time consuming - either you pay someone or you do it yourself. Why have a pool in the first place if you are both too busy to use it? I know a very famous actor, he appears in a soap opera most days and has done for many years. He earns a fortune compared to most. But he spends far more time in the tiny tatty cramped ordinary run down house he supposedly lives in as his character in the soap than he does in the house he has bought and really lives in. I wonder what the point is then! He owns this amazing fantastic perfect place but he is too busy working to spend time there. Most of his time is spent in a horrible tiny place that most people would turn their nose up at. What is he really achieving?Surely if the extra job your husband is going out to do pays reasonably well he can afford to pay someone to do some of these chores. If it pays badly then he might as well forget it altogether and concentrate on the chores instead. Which matters most? Some extra money or a tidy and clean home?Most would have worked out the way to handle chores between them years ago, ten years is a long time.I get it that it is annoying if he leaves half used cans in the fridge etc. But just bite the bullet on that one. It is quicker and compared to the rest it is not that important. My guy has a habit of leaving doors open and leaving lights turned on whenever he goes into a room. It's a huge house so it could be a room he will leave and not return to for a week or more. Sometimes there have been half a dozen lights left on for a week. I should not have to go all around the house every evening to check they are turned off. It only takes a moment to turn it off at the time, but no amount of reminding him and asking him nicely works. So I bite the bullet and concentrate on the more important things. If you are not careful you turn into a nag and a moaner. Then the guy makes excuses to stay at work or see pals or stop off for a drink because it is better than coming home.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2020): I agree what others have said. I would just like to underline that things we tolerate at the beginning get worse over time, not necessarily because they themselves deteriorate but because we lose patience and energy. There are no REAL reasons why people accept things, it's all relative... I worked 3 jobs (one part time and two self-employed, VERY DAY for 7 days a week) and did my master's degree. Now, when I look back I have no idea how I did it. On top of all that I did ALL the housework, cooked three meals a day (including lunch for my husband to take t work), cleaned, washed, paid the bills, organized our lives on all levels (including seeing and staying in contact with our friends, family and our lawyer - my husband was fighting a battle for his inheritance). My husband went to work at 8 am and got home from work at 7 pm, had his weekends off. He would complain about how much we spend when we went grocery-shopping, or if he had to vacuum once every 2 months that it was too much (btw he never complained when I did it at least once a week). And that was his week. All his free time was spent going running, watching TV and later on when he got a hobby in his workshop.I was CRAZY to accept this way of life, but I did it. It didn't all come at once. I was like a frog being put in a lukewarm water than boiled...What's my husband's excuse? Well... He suffers at work in the office because he has social anxiety. he hates his work, his colleagues... and he is less competent than I am! You see for me everything comes easy, if you ask him... and that's way I should do... well... everything.Including accompanying him to his doctor's appointments, because you see he just can't make an effort to remember stuff, bring his documents...Yes. I was stupid to accept all this. But whenever I would try to talk to him about it, he got angry and said that we two can't compare etc. And it went on for little les than 13 years.And then... I got arthritis. Out of the blue. An inflammatory one. Progressive and degenerative.Boy, did he wake up.I'm not saying that he took the load off me for all things (especially the ones that require preparation and organization), but he seriously started to participate in daily chores, even cooking!Our problem was that he himself is very tidy when it comes to his stuff (car, workshop his "home office" - a room he uses when he works from home), but kitchen, bathroom, living-room, linen, towels, clothes... IS NOT his stuff, if you ask him. Even the cat. He never cleaned the litter. So, he couldn't understand where the problem was. He was like a "good kid" whose room was always tidy, but who made the mess everywhere else.I wish we managed to find common ground before I got sick. But, at least one good thing came out of it.I never ask him to do things my way. I'm happy when they're well done. although we did have a period when he would do things badly, because he didn't care (or hope I'd tell him to stop), like dish-washing. He would leave traces the food on the plates... So I would make sure that he gets these plates next time we ate. He got the message. I tried talking to him abut it, but he would get angry, so I decided to show him.Anyway, make a list of chores together and set deadlines for both of you. He needs to see what has to be done and he needs to see how much you work too. If he doesn't he's going to feel "punished".Btw, apart the bad stuff I wrote about my husband, he ahs so many qualities! I mean I wasn't that crazy for staying with hime ;)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2020): Girlfriend, did you write this post or did I write it?
I recall a time back with my first partner; how it seemed I could pack twice as much in a day than he could. I would get myself all worked-up complaining how it seems I was working a very stressful corporate job; while he was being paid $1200 per hour arguing in-front of a judge. It wasn't like he did everything himself. He had law clerks, paralegals, administrative-staff, and it seemed all he did was open his briefcase, and start arguing. I had to deal with foreign visitors from our overseas branches, our national branches, coordinate meetings, follow-up on calls, compile reports from dozens of scattered reports coming from everywhere, track and provide the latest stats and figures for guys who got paid more than me, make runs to deal with vendors and distributors who expect payment for delivering the wrong orders or damaged goods, fend-off threats of lawsuits, etc...etc..etc!!! Then deal with my staff, resolve petty issues, review proficiency-reports, research data; and then go upstairs, and shine with charts, graphs, and power-point presentations! While trying to look crisp and refreshed...and totally well-informed. Not always knowing if I was coming or going!
There was a different kind of stress and energy required for what either of us were doing. He had to know the law, go over everything that crosses his desk with a fine-tooth comb, keep fidgety clients calm (and their mouths shut), deal with arrogant and condescending judges, make sure that every brief and legal-document was accurate, no spelling errors, all the right statutes were used, all documents were in order, deal with interrogatories...a host of things I really never knew. He sat me down, and laid it all out for me. I felt I had to handle all the matters at home. He didn't have the time, nor did I, but I managed. It's not like on TV where the lawyer grandstands in-front of a courtroom full of people, a judge, and jury in a sharp suit; and it's over in an hour. It takes a lot of meticulous and strenuous preparation. It was mentally-draining, emotionally-challenging, and physically exhausting. I was too busy complaining and worrying about what my job required of me. He by the same token, would try to trivialize the skill-set and qualifications it takes to perform my job! Oh, hell no!!! We often clashed!
The bottom-line was, it was exhaustion! Lack of rest and stress! We were younger then; but we learned better in time to compromise and share responsibilities. The solution? Help each other, hire help; and get help from friends, neighbors, or family. Barter for favors, and take on weekend projects we could do together. Always ask nicely, and don't bark orders! Or worse, whine or use the naggy-voice! What he does may seem less than you do. Maybe so, but hows-it going trying to convince him of that?
You can't compare what you do, the abilities you have to multitask, your efficiency, and determination to get the job done with those of others. Not to their face, and expect cooperation! There is always a counter-argument.
Everyone has their own level of proficiency, expertise, and productivity. Everyone has their own energy-levels, and some people can only focus on one or a few tasks at a time. While you can probably do 20 things in the span of an hour; he's milling around every inch of an engine for 3 hours, trying to figure out where the problem lies. He has to crawl under a smelly greasy automobile; and figure-out how to get to various parts that are enclosed, and you can't see any visible screws or bolts. He has to make on-the-spot mechanical-diagnoses, order the right parts, and then install them. He has to know different vehicles, old and new; which work on different kinds of technology. He has to pacify customers who expect professional-work for cheap, in record-time; and haggle prices, so not to haggle himself broke and out of business. He has to do much of the bull-work himself, if he has limited help. He makes up in bulk and weight, or poking around in cramped-spaces; for the multiple tasks you can accomplish in a short-time. You can't do everything, and you obviously can't force him to anything. He's an adult!
When he comes home, he has no idea what you've done the entire day (unless you run-down the list...do you?); maybe your competency and skill makes what you do look easy. My partner thought I just sat behind a fancy desk; issuing orders left and right. Never broke a sweat! That's hard when you're dealing with a variety of attitudes and personalities, ringing phones, competitive and arrogant overpaid-execs breathing down your neck; all the while knowing you've got a crap-load of stuff still waiting for you when you get home. Hey, I know what you mean! I feel you, sister! The list grows even longer the more you get done, it seems!
Now come-on! You can't have a list of stuff for him to do every-time he looks at you! He was probably raised to believe there is women's work and men's work; and following his dad's example, come home, grab a beer, sit on the couch, in-front of the TV or game-box, and veg-out. It's strange, but for some reason, working-moms are still expected to be homemakers, cooks, clean house, do laundry, and mind the kiddies. Depends on what you've established in your marriage from the beginning. If you work, you share the chores. If all of a sudden, you decide that's how it has to be; you might get some push-back. In your case, you have a stubborn and lazy hubby; who insists on only doing what he wants to do, when he wants to do it. I think in time, you'll work that out. Just not overnight.
Many things scattered, as apposed to things that come in singles and pairs; doesn't mean the work isn't any less strenuous, stressful, or tedious. By the same token, he knows you've done a lot as long as he's known you. If suddenly you ask for a lot of help; it's completely out of the ordinary. The same happened when I threw-up my hands! Trying to deal with my job, hired contractors, a frustrating homeowner's association, and somebody who couldn't be bothered with any of it. I lost my cool, and we had to come to terms. He eventually realized I wasn't backing-down, I'm no pushover. You have to work this out, but be firm without letting your frustration get the better of you. You want to grab 'em by the collar; and tell 'em this is how it's going to be!!! Only it won't work that way! It might take an ultimatum.
You get resistance, because he doesn't want to be told what to do. Outside his 2 jobs, he wants to do nothing but sit-around. What good does nagging do? None...not one bit! The more you moan and groan, the less he does. It seems you're going to have to find some help around the house, when finances allow for it. Have a local teen clean the pool for a few dollars. If bugs keep returning, maybe you need a professional exterminator. Especially, if you live in a warm climate with mild winters. You can't keep-up with them! You can't spray them all away, unless you spray daily! Pulling weeds is no major job, but it is if you don't want to do it. If he's stubborn, you may as well stop annoying yourself. Maybe he'll take one or two tasks at a time. If you lay it on him every five minutes; you'll overwhelm him, and he'll refuse to do anything. If he's generally lazy on his time-off; you've seen this for the last 10 years. So what's new? You can't motivate with nagging, and you have to realize some people can't crank-out chores like we do! You have a never-ending list; that's annoying, and not very motivating. It's relentless! It sounds as though your home is falling apart, and your place is a mess. You married a guy who doesn't like doing housework, or hubby-chores; or anything that resembles it! You call it heavy-work, but he feels that's all he ever does. He just doesn't care, or doesn't want to do it. So...now what?
It seems you have more house and property than you can handle yourself. Maybe you need to consider an apartment, or a condo. You didn't mention children. Picking-up after your husband is no big deal. It's just aggravating yourself trying to be his mom. If it's in your way, pick it up! I do that all the time. You get frustrated from trying to make him do things; and he's refusing to take orders. You knew this is who he is when you married him. You wanted a house, but you forgot how much maintenance that requires; yet he helped you to get what you wanted. He would have been happy in a messy little shack. Obviously! Covid-19 has us all on-top of each other, restricting what we can do, or where we can go. We're complaining and getting on each-other's nerves. You've put-up with him for 10 years! Remember? Now suddenly he's going to be sweet, jump and do all kinds of chores and honey-do stuff?!!
You cannot change people. If he never liked helping around the house and doing chores; it should have been evident 10 years ago. Resign yourself to living in a mess, or cleaning-up after him. Unless you can afford to hire help, maybe you have more house than you both can handle. Comparing what he does to what you do, will be nothing but frustration; and his stubbornness is only going to drive you nuts. I eventually hired help to clean a few times a week, I've never owned a single-unit house. I lived in a luxury-apartment, and now a condo. I tried to stay within what I could handle on my busy work-schedule; and I'm not the handy-type. It's possible your husband isn't that handy either; when it comes to anything but cars. Letting his car get gross and messy probably comes from living in a house where his mom did all the cleaning and picking-up behind him. Lots of guys won't do cleaning and have a frat-boy attitude towards cleaning-up after themselves. It's not something they've suddenly picked-up. It's who they are, and will remain; until they can't find anybody willing to stick-around and put-up with it. He's a grown-man, not one of your kids. He's going to refuse not to do what he doesn't want to do; or do it when he's good and ready.
You've lived with this guy ten years, and now you're realizing all this? You must be recent homeowners. You may have bitten-off more than you can chew. Evidenced by the fact you don't have a routine and division of duties worked-out after 10 years of marriage. He's not cutout for home-ownership; or he would realize that it's a huge responsibility, requiring a lot of upkeep and maintenance. You can't do it all alone. If your house falls into disrepair or starts to look shabby; it's likely your neighbors will shame him. He's the man, and most men do the heavy-hauling and yard-maintenance. Was his dad like him? Betcha he was, or is! Many will say sit-down and talk. I'm sure you've been through that; but he won't cooperate. Then there has to be a serious ultimatum to let him know that enough is enough!!! Can you guess what that is? Help me, or I'm leaving! Don't make idle-threats! If you say it, mean it!
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 September 2020):
 I think you need to find short cuts that will work for you both.
Otherwise it seems like you are the parent and he is the child, being TOLD what to do.
A couple of short cuts I can see that would be easy?
1. get disposable food prep containers and plastic fork/spoon/knife set and put lunch in that. THAT way you don't have to worry about cleaning THAT mess up or have BEG him to bring home containers. YES I know it's NOT as great for the environment but I'm betting you can find some that are compostable and environmental friendly. Amazon has some.
2. Find a "Car Trash Can" type thing for his truck/car. At least hi trash will be in ONE spot. But I would still decline to ride in his car and I would NOT "mommy" him and clean his car. He wants to drive in a filthy car? That is on him. NOT worth the "battle".
3. Hire someone to clean the pool.
4. Set up a can recycling bin in the kitchen (if you have room) and ask him to put empty cans in there NOT the sink. you are not his mother and should have to PICK up after a full grown man. If he can't do that... maybe stop buying sodas/beers for a while. If my kids CAN do this, my husband can do this, SO can yours.
5. LET him leave his shoes where ever. Again, you are NOT his Mommy, and shouldn't have to REMIND him to put them away. This is seriously annoying. My teenagers still do this.
6. You would HOPE your husband and partner ENJOYS a clean house and understand that there IS no Mommy or maid to pick up after him! It might TAKE for you to STOP picking up after him AT ALL in the house for him to notice how messy HE makes the house.
Sit him down and make a list of what chores need to be done in the next week or two week. I'd remind him that you appreciate him working two jobs JUST like you do. You work a full time and keep the house AND cook. If he WANTS all these things, like a nice looking house, a nice looking yard, pool etc. HE needs to ALSO pitch in.
Are you being unrealistic here? Maybe. I think you have too high expectation of him. That he WANTS what you want. Like a neat house. If he can't even keep his car clean (or take that 15 minutes once a week to clean it out) HOW invested is he in a clean house? You know? However, a clean house benefits you both. It feels like a Sisyphus task to live with people who clutter or are messy.
Lastly, you know he doesn't ride the same day he saddles the horse (meaning it sometime s takes him longer than you want to do a task) ACCEPT it. You might WANT it done RIGHT NOW or TOMORROW but LET him set the pace. EVEN if it annoys you, let it go. Not worth it.
Also I have found that short tasks I need done - gets done without complaints if I do a "Hey, honey do you have 5-10 minutes right now?" That way hubby can CHOOSE if he WANTS to get up and do XYZ or not. I don't think he has ever whined or turned it down. There has been some :"I can do them later". And I am OK with that. Sometimes, yes, he does forget but I haven't seen him upset to be reminded.
You have to learn how to compromise, how to delegate without him FEELING like you are bossing him around. It takes some tact and finesse. It does take for YOU to also accept and understand that HE isn't you.
I'm OCD, my husband is not. SO there are MANY things I'd rather just do myself because he doesn't do them how I like them done. I HAD to learn to accept that I HAD to "ignore" certain habits of his. The first 10, maybe 12 years of marriage he COULD NOT (or would not) put his dirty clothes in the hamper. they were on the floor next to his side of the bed. IT ANNOYED the fire out of me. Because the hamper was 20 feet away. NOT hard to do. I'd think. But hubby didn't do it. For years I picked it up, emptied pockets, washed and folded AND put away his clothes. Until I decided you know what? If he doesn't put the clothes in the hamper I am NOT touching it. And you know what happened? He ran out of clean uniforms and had to go to work in a crumpled sweaty ACU. I HAD told him that if he doesn't put clothes in the hamper I am NOT touching them. Not washing them. Etc. So what happened next? Well, he started to wash his own stuff. He still does. Still doesn't use the hamper though. I still IGNORE the clothes on the floor. Maybe it seems passive aggressive but in all seriousness, I think it's a fair enough request for him to PUT dirty clothes in the hamper.
PICK your battles. And accept a little of HIS clutter here and there. In the end, YOU are NOT his Mommy or maid and shouldn't HAVE to run behind him and pick up. TREAT him like a GROWN man. Hopefully he will ACT like one.
Try not to sweat the little things in life.
Sorry, it got so long.
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