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female
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anonymous
writes: I have a hard time asking yet another question on here, because in a way I feel that the more I seek advice, the more I am enabling myself to not trust myself. But, I guess in my journey of setting boundaries and becoming less codependent, I feel that I still need and like the advice of others along the way. So, here it goes. I just got out of an emotionally abusive relationship 6 months ago, and met a new guy about a week ago that I find very intellectually stimulating and interesting. He also so far seems pretty respectful and genuine. I am a Christian, and although he now considers himself a pagan, for once in my life I feel like not letting my beliefs separate me from someone who makes me happy and I can feel a connection. So, before I really got to know him last weekend we went out with his and my friends and were dancing and making out and what not. He was pretty drunk that night, and I was just tipsy. So, then we hung out again twice this week, and both times we didn't kiss-I was waiting for him to make the move. He said it's like we were doing things backward, that we should take it slow and get to know each other-which I completely agree with. He said I was hard to read, and that I wasn't giving him any signals that he could go in for a kiss. I personally like a guy to take charge-it makes me feel more at ease. He said me keeping my hands to myself made him feel ill at ease and doubting himself. Basically, we got off to an awkward start, but he called and said he is still willing to give it a shot-saying we should think less and just go with the flow-which I also agree with, because when we get to talking we just both don't stop. He was saying how honesty is the best policy, and I agree with that too. But what I'm realizing is that maybe I'm the one who's not being honest with him. He said something the first night we hung out about how I was acting childish when I said I wasn't having sex til marriage-which I've already broken in the past and he knows. Maybe he was referring to the fact that I said I would "never" do that and how that is such an absolute that I would be naive to set such high expectations. But, that makes me think that he doesn't respect my opinions or wishes if they are different from his. Then, last night I hugged him before I left and gave him a peck on the lips and he said it was weak, but I was afraid to kiss him because all night he wasn't really making any moves to kiss me! So, then he kissed me a tiny bit more passionately than my peck, and since I guess I wasn't completely receptive he told me to just leave-go home-when I was already in the driveway about to go. When he called today he said his perception of me is that I'm uptight and fidgety and confused. Tell me if I'm wrong, but is he being judgmental and slightly disrespectful, or is he just being honest? I've never been so confused with myself as to whether or not I should see him again. Do I be honest and say I don't picture myself with a non-Christian and going to church by myself for the rest of my life? That I don't like that he smokes, and would never dream of marrying a smoker? Do these things even matter? By not putting it out there does it make me dishonest? The thing is, I find him so interesting and I wouldn't want to lose him as a friend if I think we are incompatible. But, then again, maybe I shouldn't be so rigid in planning what my perfect potential boyfriend should be because if he makes me think and I enjoy his company that is all that matters, right? But, it would kind of be hard to be friends with our awkward take-off and the fact that his best friend is dating my friend. I feel like I need to set some boundaries-and I already know one that I will not sleep with another guy until I'm married and that I want respect. I know I'm rambling, but I guess my question is, has he already crossed some boundaries? Is he already being disrespectful and should I run? I have a hard time knowing when to leave relationships-not like this even is one cuz I've only known him a week, but I just don't want to cause unecessary pain for him or myself. What should I do?
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best friend, christian, drunk, emotionally abusive, smokes Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2008): yea oldersister I said he needs to be a little more patient its only been a week I agree hunny you havent had that much time to get to no him so why all the moaning and pushing for you to be a certain way, You are your own person hunny be just that TAKE CARE LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (22 March 2008):
 Seratuki, I clicked on your link and read it. I'm glad you added it, as now I see I need to be more careful in my use of the word "pagan". I didn't know your religion existed, by the way.
Poster, please don't take offense here. Once I read, in a manual for enterprises, that you should pay attention to disgruntled customers, because it is them who tell you what's wrong with your services. So, if the men in this site all seem harsh on you, maybe that gives you a clue: that's how he will see you. We see this problem from the perspective of men. For us, you send confusing signals. Ask_Oldersister is a woman (a great one, it seems), so she can give you the point of view of a woman. You can think by yourself and see what you will do.
All the best.
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reader, Danielepew +, writes (22 March 2008):
Poster, of course you're right in saying that you don't have to sleep with someone else just because you did it before. However, it is still true that you need to know what you really want. Whether your friend firted with these man who interests you or not is subject to speculation; sometimes we see what we want to see. Of course, I wasn't there to see. But, overall, I still think you need to think a lot to know what you really want and expect from him.
Just breaking up with him won't give you the answer.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Mandy7-I wasn't referring to you. Anyway, to everyone else, I don't think Christians think their views are superior to everyone elses. You see, they just believe in what they believe in, just as anyone believes in what they believe in. It doesn't mean one belief is more right, it's just that everyone has their own truth. I think what I believe is the Truth, yes, but so doesn't any other person non-Cristian, pagan, Buddhist, Jewish, etc. What really matters is if people can be open-minded and accept differences. You can't say Christians are the only ones who think they are right in what they believe in. And, wouldn't that be pretty stupid if you believed in something, but didn't actually think it was right? That negates your religion. So, if you are going to believe in something, you should back it up and stand up for it, and truly believe in it and think it is right, the Truth for you.
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reader, Seratuki  +, writes (22 March 2008):
 Just to clarify for everyone...
Pagan is an old religion...older than christianity.
it's alot like...Wicca, or witchcraft.
I'm wiccan...
But I believe alot of people say the same simply for the mystery of it...
here is some information:
http://www.religioustolerance.org/paganism.htm
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2008): Here you are hunny there is a link for you to read about pagan belief, I would ask your b/f what his belief is as he may noy really no what pagan belief involves some belive it to be someone who is a devil worshipper or someone who has no belief in god at all and some just dont no full stop so it would be interesting for you to find out if he really is a pagan hunny TAKE CARE LOVE MANDY XXX
http://pagansa.org.ohio-state.edu/beliefs.html
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2008): Hi Hunny
I am most definatly not saying just because you have had sex before carry on hunny, I think I said when you choose to have sex its your choice, And no body has the right to take that choice away from you sweetheart, Be for whatever reason, The reason is yours the choice is yours no matter what anyone else belives in...Its up to you at the end of the day love..TAKE CARE WITH LOTS OF LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd maybe what really makes me wonder if I should date him is that the other night when we hung out with his friend and my friend (they are together) my friend flirted with the guy I like and I think he flirted back. My friend's guy even mentioned something about how he thought my friend liked the guy I'm dating-and she got all mad and said she doesn't like guys who get jealous and that she wants to be able to be herself. So, I'm thinking that maybe subconsciously I am afraid to get close to him again because I secretly think he might like her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all of your input. I guess the only thing that frustrates me is that everyone is getting on my case for wanting to wait til marriage to have sex again. Let me clarify, I have had sex even before my previous bad relationship-and I have always wanted to wait til marriage but haven't-it's not one guy that changed my beliefs. I always had my beliefs on my own-it's just a matter of doing what I believe in. And, Christian or not, I truly think that waiting would be best for me. So, my question to all of you is, are you saying that because I have already had sex before marriage I must continue to do so? That is the most ridiculous world-conforming idea I have ever heard of! You are saying that for example, once a drug addict always a drug addict. If people can't change, then what hope is there in this world?
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reader, Danielepew +, writes (22 March 2008):
For starters, I believe that you're very clear about the role that Dear Cupid can play. We can offer opinions, but we can't take you by the hand or decide for you. That is for the poster to decide. What we do here, I guess, is help you see your own situation, and help you decide. I don't think it's bad to come back to the site for help if you need it. It would be bad only if you stopped thinking and acting by yourself. So I think your question is welcomed.
I can't tell whether you're fidgety or uptight, but you do sound confused as to what you want. Or, rather, you can't make up your mind what it is that you want from whoever it is that you relate to, other than 1) not wanting sex with him until marriage. I don't know what you understand for "respect". Sometimes words can take too broad meanings and we should be careful.
I believe you have a lot of soul-searching to do. You need to sit down and think about yourself, what you want in a relationship, in a man, et cetera. and then, knowing full well what you want, you can date again.
Where I live, Latin America, "christian" means a different things for Catholics and people who are not Catholic but not atheist. My meaning would be "he or she who believes in Christ as God", which certainly doesn't leave Catholics out. But in Latin America "Christian" means "non-catholic but not atheist", and it serves equally well for Moravians, Baptists, Adventists, Episcopalians, Pentecostals, Mormons, the Salvation Army, Menonites, and even Jehova's Witnesses, who are not Christian. So I think that you're saying you're Christian means you are not Catholic and you give importance to your faith. And then I guess that "pagan", in this case, doesn't mean what it used to mean, someone who adores animals and idols or the like, but "non-believer", or, even better, "atheist". I don't think you mean he's hinduist. Which would not be being pagan, for me.
I have known of people of different political creeds who nonetheless manage to live together and raise their children. So, in theory, it shouldn't be impossible for you to marry a man who doesn't share your beliefs, but it does seem like you would have a hard time with it, because you seem to want him to do the same things you do. Maybe you would argue all the time about how best to raise children. So I think that perhaps it would be better if you didn't date men who don't meet that "selection criterion".
I believe that his different beliefs shouldn't prevent you from dating him, if he's good and respectful. But it seems like he would have trouble with you, too. It seems that he would also find it hard to come to terms with someone who doesn't share his "non-beliefs". Also, it seems clear that he wants sex now. And he doesn't believe you when you say you don't want sex until marriage, because he knows you have had it before. In his eyes, you're refusing to have sex for other reasons, not religion. I'm afraid that many people would also see it that way.
I guess he's right in saying that you're hard to read. You seem to be giving confusing signals. He seems to want to respect you, so he doesn't know whether he should kiss you or not, and you don't send the right "messages" in this sense.
The awkward take-off should mean nothing if you two are willing to overcome it. I don't see why his friend dating a friend of yours should be any problem, either.
I do believe you shouldn't be so rigid in defining who you want for the future. You know, everyone will tell you this: marriage means tolerance for the differences in another person. If you want to marry someone but your condition is that he has to fit your wishes to the very last detail, you will never marry or you will get a divorce.
I don't think this guy is being desrespectful. I also think you should not run. In my eyes, running away would be an easy way NOT to face the problems you have in dating people. You need to face them and solve them.
You know, I detect an inconsistency in your post. You said you would never marry a smoker. Yet you have no trouble with booze?
I know many girls who are strong believers and I know many of them wouldn't have sex before marriage. So I won't question your faith. However, I have the suspicion that it's not religion that's holding you back. It seems to me that you had a bad experience with your previous boyfriend, and now you don't want sex with the new guy because you're afraid of going too far again. Like you said, you have trouble defining the "boundaries"; how far you will let him go. And you have a problem because that takes a lot of fine tuning.
I don't want to hurt you or disrespect you. If I have to summarize my post, I would say that you need to think a hell of a lot about what you really want, and you need to be sure you communicate well with the people you love, fancy or whatever.
Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2008): I think you sound like you don't know what you really want right now.
Having codependency troubles is really difficult. I've known a few people like that. They seem great sometimes but the rollercoaster goes down pretty hard for them other times. I don't envy them for it at all. If you've got a major issue with this, then I think dealing with codependency may need to take precendence over anything with any current BF relationships. Being very codependent will basically compromise your judgement about the relationships you're trying to fix.
You've really got to be strong enough to demand a GOOD relationship, and you've gotta be willing to break up and be single rather than remain stuck in a bad relationship.
As for the sex & marriage thing: I agree with LazyGuy's answer.
I'm not calling you a slut or anything either, I just think you're normal. But I have to comment on this. You've followed the common pattern that is so incredibly frustrating for every guy on earth who is even trying to treat girls with respect:
You had an asshole ex BF. You were inexperienced, he was a prick, you "gave it up" with him, and now you've changed your mind about sexual activity before marriage and you wanna hold out from now on.
Don't you (and tons of other girls out there) realize that you have REWARDED the first BF with the best of both worlds for being an asshole? And now that you've learned your lesson from him and you want to seek out decent guys, you're gonna PUNISH the future decent guys with the worst of both worlds to try balance it out?
And girls wonder why so many guys just wanna be assholes and be pushy for sex . . .
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2008): Hi Hunny
You are going to be a little apprehensive after an abusive relationship emotionally or phycical Ive had it both and the emotional abuse was horrible hunny so I no were your coming from...Inside you may be a little scared and worried and waiting for him to say the wrong thing as I was alway on my guard I had two really bad abusive marriages..Your beliefs are yours hunny and him saying he is a pagan reminds me of an ex b/f I had Ive always had my faith I dont go to church but I have reading matieral around and all of a sudden my partner then turned around one day and said he didnt believe in anything nothing at all...I just looked and said thats fine hunny the whole thing is love, god isnt judgmentle so Im not going to judge you now am I Id just be a arse if I did, That threw him abit love as I expect he wanted a big debate well I dont have one as my belief is just that mine...Your belief in not having sex again before marriage is your choice hunny and no one can take that choice from you...You need my love I think if you really like him to compromise a little, He has his beliefs you have yours and thats it, he chooses in life to do things that you dont choose to do thats fine as long as you like him. If it is like you say and you dont stop chatting then you have alot in common more than you realise and sonmetimes when we talk about what we believe in with others that dont really think much about it they turn in the opposite direction as for some reason it can annoy them to a point of saying that they dont believe in anything just to get some sort a reaction...Even if he is a pagan so what thats his choice as long as there is respect for you as a person then that all good and we dont always have to have the same beliefs to love someone and care about another, He said you should be honest with each other then be honest and say you felt uncomfortable making the first move a little apprehensive, That you were waiting for him to and see what he says or does hunny..You have only known him a week so a little patience on his side is needed as well I no some people have hit the sack by now but we are all different and if its your choice to take things slow then you go by that, But a kiss well I guess that would be good eh!!!!Ive always kept my beliefs to myself only if someone asks me do I say yep!!!And then if they ask more do I answer there questions, if they do certain things in life that I wouldnt then its there path and its for them to learn and grow not mine to tell them right from wrong as I may be wrong in doing that..See how it goes hunny and remember you have not long come out of and emotional abusive relationship and that can leave a scar so give yourself time to heal.. go with the flow and just be honest you cant go far wrong then you both no were you stand I hope you 2 can make something work here. I hoped this helps a little hunny TAKE CARE WITH LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (22 March 2008):
 No sex till marriage. Right... noble enough sentiment, but only works for virgins.
There is nothing charming or cute about an experienced woman trying to pretend she is pure. Not saying you are a slut, but since he knows you fuck outside marriage you will have to come up with a pretty damned good explenation of why he should wait.
Does it mean you cared more about your ex then this guy? It will in his eyes.
He is pagan and you are christian? That is not exactly a match made in heaven. I am getting the idea that you are conservative and he is alternative. You may be attracted now to his carefree ways, but you will clash continuously over this.
You two are already having problems over kissing. If you can't even work that out, what hope is there?
I just don't think you two are right for each other. You both seem to be unwilling to accept the other for what he/she is. Your insistence to wait till marriage? Well I think it is bloody stupid BUT I am not falling in love with you.
The killer line is that you ask if he has been disrespectfull because of your stance on "no sex till marriage". That shows you are a typical religious person. Have you not been equally disrespectful on HIS view that sex before marriage is perfectly acceptable? There are TWO world views in this relationship, why is yours more important?
Christians, religious people in general, tend to see their views as superior to everyone elses. Until you can see past it, you shouldn't be with someone who doesn't share your views.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2008): Stick it out for a christian, their moral framework will be the same as yours. I'm not actually sure what a pagan believe in, perhaps its a good chance to find out by asking your boyfriend.Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2008): Wait a little longer to find someone your really compatible with. Its possible, it just takes a little longer. Most folks have given up, this sounds like your pagan boyfriend. What does a pagan actually believe in? Go whatver way the wind blows.
Stick to your guns he's trying to pull you down to his level.
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