A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, im hoping someone can give me some good advice. i have been seeing a man for 4 months now and i think ive fallen for him.however he thinks i blow hot and cold on him but i dont kniw what to do about it.i dont want to do the cold spells thing, i just dont know how not to. i guess i am slightly worried about getting hurt but even when im completely relaxed i seem to give out cold signals. a few weeks ago he said what is it with me one minute im hot the next im cold and pull away, he doesnt get it. he seems to think i dont kiss him in public because hes older than me and im embarressed or something but thats not it at all. im shy. i dont know how to stop giving blowing hot then cold, does anyone have any useful advice please??! really need some
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female
reader, llifton  +, writes (15 March 2014):
 My current gf is like this. Don't get me wrong, we are good and we are happy together - but it took a while to learn her. She is a lot like Hnk's ex, and it threw me off in a big way in the beginning stages of our relationship. But I then realized after being together for a while that it was because she was suffering from depression, and that was causing the hot and cold. I didn't know about her depression at first. One minute things would be great, and then the next, she would be MIA. I always thought it was me that was causing it or that something was wrong until she filled me in a few months into our relationship about her depression. And even after that, it was still really difficult getting adjusted to. It's hard because you do want a stable relationship, but with someone suffering from depression, you most likely won't have one. It's because they are going up and down within themselves, and therefore, causing ups and downs in the relationship.
Anyway, could this be a possibility? My gf doesn't realize how hot and cold she blows sometimes. Do you suffer from any form of depression?
If not, the mere lack of public affection is nothing to feel bad about. Some people just don't like PDA. I understand that, as I'm one of those people. However, do you show affection in public sometimes, and then not on others? If so, this could be confusing for him.
Also, do you tend to have mood swings, that you're aware of? With my experience, one minute I could laugh and joke about anything with my girl and the next, she would want to gouge my eyes out for the same thing. Or one minute she's playful and cuddly and the next, she wants nothing to do with cuddling. She doesn't mean anything by it and we've learned each other well enough by now that we work together through these things. Perhaps this is the kind of stuff he's referring to? Maybe he's just looking for more consistency in your personality?
Anyway, those are just my personal experiences. Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2014): I think if you really liked him and felt comfortable you would be able to be more affectionate in public even if full on kissing in public is not your thing and you're shy. If you're worried about getting hurt then there is probably a reason for that. You can talk with him about all of this. It may just be best to end it now before you do get hurt. When you're with someone who is right for you you will know it. Don't follow any rules but your own and listen to your instincts.
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A
male
reader, Hnk +, writes (15 March 2014):
 HiI will give you a guy's perspective on it and you can see what you can do differently to show you are interested.I have been recently in a similar situation as you are and I gave up on the girl thinking she is not interested or maybe she likes someone else! I didn't try to find the reason later because confronting her didn't help at all. She didn't give me a direct answer even when I asked for it. I even thought maybe she's just playing mind games or wanted me to try harder to see my sincerity but I suppose that's just what teenagers do! Adults should communicate and discuss with an open mind!It wasn't that I didn't like her or I wasn't interested enough,honestly I really wanted it to happen but she was blowing hot and cold and I took it as she is politely telling me to back off!I tried talking to her two three times about it and she only said that she's like that and she will try but her actions showed otherwise! I kept up with it for four months until I felt not welcomed (not sure in my head or actually) and just walked away ! I wanted things to stay stable; not that sometimes she's too warm and sometimes she's too cold ! Even if things developed gradually on a slower pace, I would have waited for her for a year or more- if she wanted to take things slow even then I was ready to show I am interested!These things just blew it for me :No clear reason why she was blowing hot and cold Sometimes showing interest and some times being distant . She didn't give me the right signs that I should keep chasing !When I was around, she was lost at times.I thought she doesn't want to talk to me and I just kept my distant .When I told her I like consistency and not frequent up and downs, she changed for a day and then we were back of square one!She tried to reach me when I wasn't initiating anything so I know she was interested too but I was just not ready to be with someone who plays hot and cold! For me, it should be consistent with no mind games!See if you are doing any of the above and why you should be upfront and clear to him; if you really like him just give him the right signals so he keeps on chasing you until you are thing!Good Luck
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (15 March 2014):
 Not everybody is into public displays of affection, and you know something, there are a lot of the public who don't appreciate it either.
Tell him you are shy and uncomfortable with public displays of affection, tell him you are really happy to hold his hand, to have him put his arm around you (if that IS the case) but the full on sucking each other's face off in public is not your scene.
Okay, scrap that, I'll start again, ask him if he really needs kissing in public, and I assume he doesn't mean quick pecks on cheeks), to prove you love him. And if he says yes, ask him why that is, why other, none kissing displays, such as holding hands, or even arms wrapping around each other is not sufficient.
Explain to him you are shy and very uncomfortable with PDAs. (public displays). Let him know you are sure, that as the relationship continues to grow, over the next 12 to 18 months, you are sure you will start to feel less uncomfortable, and that you fully envisage full on kissing in public by the time your relationship reaches the three year mark.
If your boyfriend of 4 months is unwilling to listen, or to respect who you are and your boundaries, and insists you indulge in behaviour that makes you uncomfortable, I would seriously reconsider the relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2014): Rule number1. When you
like someone, show and tell him. Youve been dating for 4 months, by that time probationary period is over. Its even ok to get intimate with him. Youve known him for 120 days. Not 2weeks.
Rule number2. BE CONFIDENT. He likes you for you. I think thats the main problem. You have to get rid of your insecurities. It spoils your happiness.
Let me just tell you something, when your in love with someone, you can do things you dont normally do, like kissing him in public, holding hands, facebook post of your undying affection with him and etc. I dont mind doing all this thibg for someone i am in love with.
I wont have to compromise with anyone but just him and him alone. I dont think you feel that way for him, yet.
That's why he perceived you blow him hot and cold. If you want him show him and tell him everyday, never stop.
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