A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:The feeling is unbearable, it echoes throughout my inner Psyche, it's always been under radar and often it only takes something minor to trigger this thing I have called low self esteem.My problems first started in the early stages of my child hood development, from as young as 3. He psychologically abused me which has left an inner world of mental scars.From as far back as I can remember, the only thing that I can remember is been name called and compared unfavorably to my younger siblings. The most painful memory is the story of the girl who answered the door and thought all the boys had come round for her, but they ALL went round for her sister instead.From a child's perspective, it was incredibly painful and the indirect messages of the stories lives painfully within today. The hardest part is, it has partly become a self fulfilling prophecy as my younger sister is beautiful.Things might not be all that bad, but I fear on a deep unconscious level that I'm just not good enough. I've read bits of information on evolution psychology, symmetry and of masculine and feminine apprecences, so I can't help but fearing I'm not enough.It so painful and literally I have few to no people in my life as I've been passive and people pleaser and as hard as I've tried to improve the quality of my life, the unconscious childhood messages feel ingrained; they over ride positive thinking.I'm working towards the goal of self improvement all the time, but I can't seem to veiw life from a healthy lens, it's inhibiting and stops from connecting to others.I feel totally un-love-able, as if I'm the human reject.My dad and sister are no longer a part of my life, people treat me as if I'm a person that doesn't matter and my mum has a low opinion of me.I got called stupid in my childhood, it was a theme word used often. So now I'm teaching myself maths and English to say the least. When I tell my mum of this, she shows little to no interest in my efforts.This is done through indirect communication. It's so disheartening to feel that people don't really care, and that its my face bone structure that is the causeation.I feel a human problem but I'm lost and don't know the way out.Humans are very social beings by nature and it all comes down to survival reasons from infancy. For anyone to feel rejection feels awful, but I feel it on many levels, as if my subconscious alerts me to all of my deepest concerns.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo all the people that took the time to read my problem and provide an answer, thank you.These are 3 very different answers and interesting in there own way.Currently I'm due to start cognitive behaviour therapy, as my low self esteem is characterlogical, which is a deep seated feeling of wrongness-it feels ingrained. I will try the recommended book, that's really helpful advice and I plan to study the subconscious mind from a book to create more life opportunities for meeting new friends. As for my sister, we use to be good friends, that's until I realised she doesn't have a great deal of respect for me. Sad to say but the messages my dad gave in childhood would have had an indirect effect on my sister. She has grown up with a feeling of self importance, but because of the stories were my sense of worth was devalued and my sisters inflated, she will believe herself to be more important and that she doesn't have to treat me with much respect.I lost what feels like all my emotional support and social connects but that's because my standards have raised.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2014): I think you sound clued up about your feelings and have quite a grip on some things. I will tell you a very small tale of rejection that may help you see perspective in one area. Siblings, I have been rejected by my older sister, whom I always looked up to tremendously. I discovered that secretly for years, she had felt a resentment for me because she BELIEVED that I got all the attention from parents and the boys. I can not say if this is true because i was not aware of any of this. If I had known how she felt, I would have shaved my hair off, stayed quieter and been less demanding around my parents.But the truth is I today feel 'guilty' when I shouldn't because I DID'NT DO ANYTHING WRONG, heartbroken that my sister betrayed me for her own insecurities, based on illusion. To find that someone you loved never felt the same and secretly did not like you, is a big betrayal. I forever read about the siblings who felt REJECTED because of their other sibling and yet the fact remains hidden that the other sibling may suffer a HUGE BETRAYAL AND REJECTION far worse than we realise because of the low self esteem of others.
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A
female
reader, Marilissa75  +, writes (16 March 2014):
 I too suffered from childhood abuse and neglect. I was called names and told I was ugly and stupid. It took a couple of decades of self improvement and building an identity to get myself to where I am now. I still have bad days but my life is rich in many ways. Rich with friendship, fun times, romance, and appreciation of many of the finer things in life. Don't give up. Make friends who will be like family. Explore beauty in the form of art, literature, film, nature, and culture. Allow the hole in your soul to be filled with a passion for life and a love of self and others. The world is your oyster.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2014): Please go and buy or order online a copy of Co-Dependency for Dummies and work through it.
If your Mum and Dad did not 'validate' your sense of self in a positive way when you were growing up, it means that will be 'other defined' - defining your sense of worth based on your reactions to what you think others think of you. There will be an incomplete 'core' of self to keep you feeling secure and confident. You will keep looking to other people to 'validate' you but until you understand what is really going on inside your mind you won't be able to heal. And you can heal and feel better.
I grew up very, very similar to you and tried all sorts of things - counselling, books about self esteem, constant self improvement. If you can take your time with this book it can really help you. You will have to be patiend with it and it is far better if you can get a counsellor to help - it's best to have a counsellor and then be reading the book as well, so that he or she is helping you to gain an understanding of how your thinking and reactions are affecting you. Co-dependents are not just people in relationships with a partner. It starts in childhood and will affect every relationship you have - at work, with friends, family but it is far more noticeable in a relationship with a partner. Co-dependents are almost constantly reacting to things, especially the responses of others, and this sends them into an inner torment of pain, sometimes over what seems like the smallest thing. You will feel 'emotionally abandoned' so very much of the time, because you have not got a strong sense of self to make you feel safe - you'll feel very lost and kind of panicky and will probably wish that someone else can take this feeling away. But it can ONLY be you who can do this - you have to learn to re-connect to yourself. Please try this book, it is incredibly helpful.
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