A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a man for six months. We dated each other last year however not seriously and I ended things without an explanation after 5 months last time. This time around things are better and more serious. Initially I contacted him because I was lonely but realized that I did truly care about him. I was sexually assaulted a year and a half ago (three months before I met him) and had/still have serious trust issues with men. I constantly fight the idea of wanting to hurt them. I am working on my issues. Well the guy I am dating asked me how many men I have had sex with. A lot of these relationships were angry sexual affairs when I was depressed after being raped. I have had sex with 3 guys that I loved and 4 other men that I manipulated to get kicks from. I don't like to admit these other 4 guys because I am embarrassed that I had sex with these men in this fashion. I finally told my bf the number and he told me that he cannot trust me because I could lie to his face. He broke up with me and then later that night decided to give me another chance. I explained why I lied to him but I don't know how I can win back his trust. I thought that your sexual partner number is something that is assumed to be undercounted for women. He also thinks this so assumes with the "add three" rule that I am a slut now. What should I do? Can he ever trust me?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2010): Sweetspicy is clearly sexist! Women always reduce the number and men increase it... I take it very seriously... It is a way of knowing your partner's experience... I'm sorry about your case... My ex was also sexually abused (six months before we met)... She looked for a release in cheating on me and slept with my friend, her ex and a new guy that caused our breakup... We were together for One & Half years... I found out about her abuse one month into the relationship! We been broken up since september 2008 and I still care about her... All I'm trying to say is if he knows what happened to you, he should be there to support you and not arrest you for your past(Arrest = Judge)... I hope you find this a little helpful! And if you need someone to talk to add me on facebook (Cal Old) You'll see my profile pic is the big three!
A
female
reader, sweetspicy +, writes (14 April 2010):
 to the anonymous reader that posted that "LOVELY" message to me......Domestic violence is no joke!since you are a male I would not expect you to understand unless some 200 pound woman with alot of uper body strenght choke slams you.If any guy is sleeping with a female unprotected they they are at risk, and should be aware. Sadly most people that are ifected aren't going to tell there partners they have a disease because then no one would want to date them. Let me ask you this, If your G/F said she had Aids and proved it to you would you stay with her?And yes this girl is at a high risk for domestic violence, Her b/f doesn't respect her and calls her a slut to purposely upset her I mean what else could his intentions be by calling her this?, he intentionally hurt her by breaking up with her and most likely used some very upsetting things about her past against her only to distroy her self confidence. What a jerk!
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (14 April 2010):
 There's no reason why he should believe you. From his point of view, you've demonstrated you will tell him what you think he wants to hear.
Unfortunately, this particular subject is one that men take very seriously, and once trust is broken, are very hard to convince. You're pretty much stuck: there is nothing you can do to get him to believe you.
Your only chance is to stay with him and hope over time, as he sees you are sexually trustworthy, he'll just care about it less and less. But that's not guaranteed, some men, once lied to like this, hold it against their partner for decades!
If he continues to be unpleasant to you about it, and especially if he gets worse, you may have to end the relationship. Don't let this mean you feel you should put up with an abusive relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): So lemme get this straight, Sweetspicy. If an innocent man objects to his GF lying to him, that's a sign of a potential DOMESTIC ABUSER? Are you kidding me? Have you ever heard of AIDS? Lying to your partner about your past sex life is not a fucking joke.
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A
female
reader, sweetspicy +, writes (14 April 2010):
Ask yourself this "why does it matter to him how many guys you've slept with or not?"
He is tring to TRAP you, this is a sign of domestic violence (EXAMPLES BELOW). I read your question and took some time to think about it. What are his intentions here? Look at what you just said....
He asked you a question that did not have a wrong or right answer, for all it mattered the answer to how many guys you slept with could have been cake. If you said you had only slept with 2 people he most likely would have said he didn't believe you and that you cant be trusted. And if you told him any of that other stuff about your past I am curious to know if he used it against you.
Baby girl that isn't love you've got to be dreaming. To make matters worse he then tried to hurt you, Why would you go back with him? By THREATNING to break up with you how exactly did that make you feel? HURT? this was intentional. I have a theory and I stand by it: If a man really loves you and cares about you he won't cause you any harm be it physically or mentally, infact he will prevent it because he cares about you and doesnt want anything bad to happen to you. In my oppion he is the one that cant be trusted
1. Does your partner tease you in a hurtful way in private or in public?
2. Does your partner call you names such as "stupid" or "bitch"?
3. Does your partner act jealous of your friends, family, or co-workers?
4. Does your partner get angry about clothes you wear or how you style your hair?
5. Does your partner check-up on you by calling, driving by, or getting someone else to?
6. Has your partner gone places with you or sent someone just to "keep an eye on you"?
7. Does your partner insist on knowing who you talk with on the phone?
8. Does your partner blame you for his problems or his bad mood?
9. Does your partner get angry so easily that you feel like you're "walking on eggshells"?
10. Does your partner hit walls, drive dangerously, or do other things to scare you?
11. Does your partner often drink or use drugs?
12. Does your partner insist that you drink or use drugs with him?
13. Have you lost friends or no longer see some of your family because of your partner?
14. Does your partner accuse you of being interested in someone else?
15. Does your partner read your mail, go through your purse, or other personal papers?
16. Does your partner keep money from you, keep you in debt, or have "money secrets?"
17. Has your partner kept you from getting a job, or caused you to lose a job?
18. Has your partner sold your car, made you give up your license, or not repaired your car?
19. Does your partner threaten to hurt you, your children, family, friends, or pets?
20. Does your partner force you to have sex when you do not want to?
21. Does your partner force you to have sex in ways that you do not want to?
22. Does your partner threaten to kill you or himself if you leave?
23. Is your partner like "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde," acting one way in front of other people and another way when you are alone?
For more information, see www.health-first.org
If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, then you may be at risk for domestic violence. Seek assistance from National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (www.ndvh.org)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): The problem isn't so much the amount of men that I have been with, it is the fact i didn't tell him the number from the beginning or stick with a consistent number. now he says he has questions believing what i tell him because i can lie to his face.
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (14 April 2010):
Women should NEVER give a guy a number... it's a NO win. If you're low, you're a liar, if high a slut... The answer is NONE of his business. If he loves you, then it's immaterial. I met my wife at 40- SURPRISE, she had sex with several guys... how many I don't care, she chose to be with me, and I'm grateful that all the men before me were BEFORE me... I could care less if the number is 8 or 80... for the last 10 years we've been exclusive and hopefully we'll keep that going for another 40.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (14 April 2010):
 It seems to me that you will never be able to trust him to beleive what you are saying, nor, it seems, will you ever be able to trust him to understand the results of sexual assault, the number of sexual partners you had prior to meeting him is none of his business. There is no need to tell him about the four you are embarressed about.
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