A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has told me he "can't fall in love again" because he has convinced himself that if he does he will get hurt. He found his fiances dead 2 weeks before the marriage and then 2 years later he married a girl 10 years younger (18). After 12 years his wife had an affair which devisted him. He nos says he won't and can't fall in love again. Is there anything I can do to help him through this or should I just leave him.
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female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (7 March 2008):
 How long have you been dating? When was the divorce? Has he had any significant relationships since then?
If you are just starting to date this man, you could just give him some time but try not to get too attached. See if he warms up to the idea of "falling in love". Sometimes we say things to convince ourselves but then our heart goes and does what it wants anyway. It is possible that he isn't speaking with his heart. Your love and guidance could be just the ticket he needs.
If he has tried this with many women since the divorce and they have all left him then he's kind of creating his self fulfilling prophecy. But if these women have stayed and given him a chance (and if you have) and he is still standing strong that he WILL NOT love again, then he most likely has turned off his heart. This is a very sad way for an adult to live out their life. In this case, counseling could help, if he would go. At some point if he is unwilling to change or get help then you need to protect yourself AND find someone who can give you what you need.
Life has indeed handed him some bad cards but we all get bad cards. It's how we play them that counts.
A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (6 March 2008):
 Hi, You are in a relationship which is a difficult one, but this is the question I would have, are you able to take it, if you fall in love with him and he still harbors the idea, which is very strong, because of his past experiences,
that he doesn't want or can't fall in love again, and he cannot share in the love that you have for him completely?
He gave you fair warning, what state will you be in at that time, will you stay and hope or will you leave the relationship? These are things you have to consider.
On the other hand, how do you plan to fall in love, or not, love happens, you look around and you are there, he may not intend to, but he may not be able to stop the emotions. If you care about this man, you cannot change his mind with words, decide if you want to cultivate the relationship, being kind to him, not talking about him falling in love, but letting him experience the care and affection you have for him. Love can hit you when you least expect it, not by talking, but by being there and showing love and considersation.
Take counsel with yourself and make a decision as to what you want to do. Loving someone is not always easy. Good luck to you always. Be happy, whatever your decision.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2008): Oh Hunny
I really feel for you, My 3rd husband cheated on me and he was stone cold sober on his way home from work and the night before our wedding as well so I found out...My b/f commited suicide just over 2yrs ago... And hunny I thought it impossible to ever love again thats not all thats happened during my life but thats enough, Your b/f is terrified of loosing you and even though his heart is locked away it is possible to love again, Belive me so many things can happen in our lives to make us feel this way but we are only scared and to live like this forever is not living sweetheart, I have got a lovely fiance who has stuck by me through so much that if it wasnt for him and his unconditional love and his patience in beliving in me then I may never be were I am now...Your boyfriends heart has been broken and it needs to be loved and opened to the feelings of love so hunny if you love him then stay and just love him as its not his fault he feels this way, Its the hand that life has thrown at him, Maybe one day he can let his guard down just long enough to feel the love once more... Sweetheart I pray for you he can.. And I pray for him to allow the love you wish to share with him find him.... WITH MUCH LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, korculan queen  +, writes (6 March 2008):
I am in a similar situation to you in that I have met a wonderful man who stated to me he is not sure if he can love again after I told him 2 months ago I loved him. Give him time and try not to pressure him. Obviously he is not yet over these hurts with women and is scared that if he says he loves you then something bad will happen ie you cheat or leave him. He has some abandonment issues. My guy and I have a wonderful time together and he has told me he is happy when we are together and he thinks we are headed in the right direction. This is all the confirmation I need. I mean saying you love someone and feeling loved through his actions are two different things. Reassure him through your actions without pressure your feelings for him without being clingy or needy and he will come around. Afterall, he is with YOU. This is a pretty good indicator of his commitment to you and he is being HONEST with you about his feelings. He is not saying he can't love you he is simply saying he is UNSURE ABOUT WHETHER HE CAN PLEASE WOMEN YOU INCLUDED. This is where this statement is coming from so do not worry and enjoy the dating time you have with him and spend as much fun quality time with him as well as doing things on your own ie catch up with friends. Once he sees that you are an amazing woman he will make the switch and connect.Lots of foot massages, back massages and good times are ahead for you. Remember no pressure, no worry and show him how beautiful you are through being a dating without drama girl.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (6 March 2008):
 Hi
Only get him to see a counsellor. I dont see anything else you could do. He's been dealt some crap cards in the past! And the most level headed of persons would struggle with that. He's convinced anyone he loves, will leave him.
It would be a shame if you love him, for him to still have that thought in his head. And lose you because of it.
Men hate counselling normally! But i cant see how else you can break that wall down he's built up! You need to convince him to go. If only for himself really, even if you 2 dont work out.
Good luck.
C xxxxxx
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