A
female
age
41-50,
*rs. Saint
writes:What am I doing wrong that makes my husband watch internet porn (daily), but doesn't want to be with me? He tells me he's tired or his back hurts or that I pressure him for sex and so he's not into it. I don't doubt that he loves me, but I am not filling one of his needs and I can't figure it out. When I asked him, he said all men watch porn. Physically, (sorry for the conceit) I look very good, but sometimes I wonder if he wants perfection.
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male
reader, Adam21 +, writes (23 July 2010):
Men love seeing a woman naked! There is nothing more stimulating for a man that to see a naked women or a woman having sex. It's our default setting.
Ladies it usually has nothing to do with what your doing or not doing! Don't be hard on yourself! In most cases it doesn't mean he doesn't love you or is not satisfied.
A
male
reader, loystone +, writes (15 March 2009):
Speaking as a man, if your sex life if good, then he may have his own problem. It could have started before or after you were married. My problem with pornography started when my wife stopped being interested in sex.. and there are other issues as well.. I have come to the conclusion that there are no easy answers to this problem. Also, I am not saying that it is all her fault that I have this problem now just because of her lack of interest in sex. I just think that made it much easier for me to develop the problem..As for your husband.. Maybe you have developed so that sex has become more of a ritual or a duty than something spontaneous.. I know that it is not always easy to be spontaneous with work schedules etcetera.. but maybe doing something different(meeting him at the door in something sexy for example...) Often it is more complex than any of us would like to think..Sometimes we harbor resentments for past events or words that continue to affect us in the present.. I hope this helps..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): We too had a good sex life when my husband wasn't viewing porn.He was more interested porn than in me; he seemed to prefer fantasy. We've talked about it many times and he always promised to stop......but he didn't!
Finally I copied the names of all the websites he visited, the ones he paid for, & checked his email. It isn't hard to figure out usernames and passwords. I presented the list to him and told him I was giving it to everyone we knew....friends, co-workers, adult children if he didn't stop. He confessed he couldn't stand the embarassment and humiliation of I did that. I was mad enough to do it too.Finally, he began to understand how I felt.
He's stopped. He occasionally will read romantic/erotic stories & I told him it was OK with me if he didn't copy them and leave the names of websites lying around for me to find. I still check up on him though.......I hope he's truly stopped because I will tell everyone if he hasn't. It will lead to divorce after 55 years.
My advice to someone whose partner is addicted to porn and will not stop is to get a divorce.....you'll never have a loving, trusting relationship. You don't have to put up with a lying slimebag all your life.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (7 March 2008):
 As everyone has said, you have done nothing wrong. This is all his issue. Not all men watch porn and certainly not all men watch porn every night. He has an addiction which is now entering into your bedroom. Best have an open discussion with him.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (7 March 2008):
 If men-with-women porn, as mentioned by "Tisha-1" and most popular, the activity usually involves a good deal of oral sex. If oral stimulation is not part of your sex life with your husband, then he may be yearning for that type of thing. Many men (and women) watch some degree of pornography these days because it is now so easy and available, but a funny thing happens when a real sexual relationship exists - we don't need the fantasy. Otherwise, his addiction (daily?) may have become obsessive and compulsive.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 March 2008):
 It's not you fault he's hooked on porn--it's him! I'm curious as to what type of porn he's watching--is it something other than men with women?
Have you talked with him about this at all?
Lots of men watch porn, and I have no idea how many have mutually satisfying sexual relationsips with the woman in their life, but preferring cybersex to a real intimate relationship is a sign of a deeper problem.
And it's HIS problem, not caused by you.
If I were you, I would try again to talk calmly with him about it, and find counseling for myself to figure out what to do.
All the best and don't be afraid to ask for professional help with this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2008): Mrs Saint, I know exactly how you feel because I have got the same thing happening with my husband. We've been married a long time and sex has always been good. A few years ago he became acquainted with a man who was very addicted to porn and told me about him. This man started to give my husband videos and he would watch them at every opportunity. He started to sneak about watching them, morning, noon and night if possible. I could tell what he was doing. Anyway, over the past few years it has got worse. Now he pays for TV porn channels and therefore gets those channels websites for free. He has dozens of videos and dvds. I am not a prude and have watched porn over the years and found some of it to be a turn on. Now though it has become a big issue because he regularly watches it and masturbates to it and I don't get sex. I'm so fed up with making the first move and being told he's too tired, too full up, etc. It's so hurtful. I'm struggling to not let it upset me. He says he finds me very attractive and that I'm making a big fuss about it but if he keeps 'sorting himself out' to the porn when is he going to have the time for me? I've always kept myself in trim and take care of my appearance but it doesn't make any difference to him now he's got the porn. I've tried to talk to him about it but he gets so angry and doesn't care that he's hurting me. All I want is a compromise and for him to stop taking it all so seriously and using the porn instead of me. It should be light hearted entertainment, fun, amusing, surely not made into such a secretive and obsessive habit?
So... I'm sorry I've gone on so much but you'll know how I feel. I just want you to know you're not alone and that I know this is now a very common problem for many couples. I don't have any suggestions to make you feel better - I wish I did. I hope you can sort things out with your husband.
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