A
female
age
36-40,
*ruthplease
writes:I met my ex boyfriend online, it was long distance (he was in New York and I was in California) so we started talking on the phone. He told me in our first conversation that he had moved to New York from Europe as a foreign medical graduate to get into a residency program. I told him I was in graduate school for the next two years. He told me that if we are going to continue talking that I need to agree that I will have to move to New York after I finish graduate school for a few years until he is done with residency then we can come back to California since that is where my family is. I hesitated at first but then told him I would do it if we liked each other, and he said good because that is what love is about so he doesn’t want to start anything with anyone who isn’t willing to make that move. Things started off very fast on the phone he was talking about marriage and having kids with me in the first two weeks saying I would make the perfect wife for him. He immediately added me on facebook and he told me after looking through all my stuff that I was one of the most beautiful women he had ever met and that he was very picky when it came to women and he said all his exes were also good looking too so he had a good taste. He was texting me from 5am in the morning with hearts and I am falling in love with you, beautiful, etc. all the way to night time when I came home from work/school and we would talk for hours till 1-2am most nights. He would constantly ask me “Do you know how beautiful you are? Do you know how much I like you? “ And I started questioning him about how he could tell me all that stuff and talk about marrying me before he met me? He said that I should trust him and that he could read people really well and already knows a lot about me before meeting me from our hours of phone conversations. I was hesitant but because he made me feel so amazing and was promising me marriage and children two things I really wanted to brush aside my hesitation and accept that I got lucky and this guy is amazing. He flew out to California for 3 days to meet me and brought chocolates for my mom too and spent the day with my mom and I (because she wanted to meet him). We had an amazing time. He started asking me where I wanted to live and what kind of ring I wanted. So I told him and he said he was going to buy a house in the city that I wanted and started asking if 2-3 million would be enough to buy a house in that neighborhood. I told him to stop bsing me and he told me “just watch you will see” I said he doesn’t know if we will even get married he said “I know we will, you just watch and see” The weekend was just amazing he had brought me gifts too expensive designer earrings and a beautiful necklace that he said he wanted to give me because it was in the shape of a heart and he wanted to be a heart surgeon. He met the rest of my family including my grandparents and got along with everyone really well. He even text me as I was sitting next to him in the middle of hanging out with my family saying “You are so beautiful and amazing. I am having a great time.” I was on top of the world thinking, wow I finally met my dream guy and my entire family loves him, how lucky am I. I never thought that would happen after all my failed relationships. After he left Cali, we continued talking day and night and he continued with talks of marriage and our future, never letting me for a second think that he wasn’t going to be a part of my future. If I ever said “my house” or “my kid” etc he would quickly correct me and say “No sweety, OUR house, OUR kid”He bought me tickets to fly to New York a couple weeks later and said he was going to plan the best four day date I had ever dreamed of. I got to New York and it was amazing. Every second of it was fun, we went all over the city from boating in central park to rooftop bars to hanging out in his room and laughing and having fun. He took me to fifth avenue and said he wanted to buy me a ring so we picked it out together and he bought it then took me to the top of the rock at the Rockefeller center and put the ring on my finger and said “I brought you here because I want to give you the world” He told me that he really liked me and that he was falling in love with me. I was on top of the world. He was treating me like a princess and promised to always be there for me as long as I stuck with him and that since he had been abandoned by many women in his life (including his mother who he has not spoken with for the last 4 years) he just wants to make sure I will never leave him. I told him I was starting to really like him too, even though I had resisted the first month, this was the third month and I had started to let my guard down. He bought my brother and my mom souvenirs even though I told him not too, I thought that was super sweet. At the airport when I left, we were both really sad, I shed a tear and he hugged and kissed me and said “don’t be sad I’ll come see you in a few weeks”Once I got back from New York he slowly started getting distant, he wasn’t calling or texting as much as he used too. I asked him what was wrong and he said he had to be honest with me and that he used to have depression and take medication for it so he was just feeling down since I left, he said in a few days it would pass and that it had nothing to do with me. A week later things were the same and he was calling even less so I asked him what was really going on and he said “I don’t think this is going to work, with your school for the next two years we are going to be apart for years and I can’t do that” I was SHOCKED. I started crying and asking why he had promised me all that stuff and why he had said we were getting married and even named our kids together. He had convinced me to do long distance initially, and I had hesitated, now that I wanted too he was dropping me. He said he was sorry and that he shouldn’t have done all that stuff or met my family this last three months and that it just wasn’t going to work due to distance. I asked him if there were any other reasons like another girl or something about me and he said no that he just can’t deal with going to the airport and me leaving him every time for the next few years and that it will be too hard on him. He said he wasn’t sure about this and that he just needed time. I sobbed myself to sleep that night. He didn’t contact me the rest of the week. I thought maybe he was just under a lot of stress because he was applying to residency so I put together a de-stress package with a bunch of little stuff I bought for him and decided to send it to him. At the end of the week on Saturday I called him and he acted normal saying sweet stuff to me again and thanking me for buying him a gift and started talking to me like he used to again. He told me he missed me and I said I missed him too. I was so happy he was coming back around again. The next day he went back to being cold and I got confused. He started saying this won’t work again and that he didn’t want to hear my voice because it made him feel guilty and confused. I thought my last hope was to tell him that I would sacrifice and move to be with him since that is what he said he wanted from the beginning. When I told him that he blew up at me and yelled “NO NO NO, what are you thinking, that’s not what I want, this won’t work, this just won’t work, I have to go now, goodbye, goodbye” I mean it was literally like that I was taken aback and so confused , he didn’t even want what he had constantly told me he wanted in the first few months (even when I was in new york he was asking me how much I wanted to live there). We hung up and he didn’t contact me all week. At the end of the week I decided to send the gift anyway, still trying to give him the benefit of the doubt for depression/stress. He text me back saying “this won’t work, I’m sorry” felt my heart sink to the floor like someone had just ripped it out of my chest. I tried to be strong so I said “I understand, just confirming your address for the gift I had bought” He said “Thank you for understanding, I’ll never forget you, who knows what will happen in the future” confirmed the address and that was the end of that. A text break up :(The next week the gift arrived and I had checked online to make sure he signed for it, he had. He didn’t text, email or call me to say thank you nor did he return it to sender. Nothing. Two days later he deleted me and my family from facebook. And this girl that I had seen him become friends with on facebook after I left New York and he was liking her pictures (I didn’t think anything of it at the time) I now saw that he was flirting with her and even changed his cover photo to a picture of her hometown. GET THIS: She lives in Miami and he is in New York. So it’s another long distance. He told me he broke up with me because of distance and now he’s in another long distance not even having the decency to wait a few days?!!I went no contact, died on the inside, and even though it was only a three month relationship ( the shortest I have ever had) it has affected me the most of any. I feel like my whole world has been turned upside down, I don’t understand what happened or how it happened. Why would he lie and promise so much only to drop me on my head when I had fallen for him. Haven’t been able to live a normal life since and it’s been two months. I need help.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2013): People like him could talk a fish out of water to go and take a walk with them because they're that manipulative, have the gift of the gab, and are very convincing. Unfortunately the damage is already done. His hurt has turned to bitterness and anger and the only way he sees himself feeling better is to hurt and destroy other people.
I admit that recently I fell for a lying and misleading user. I knew she had a less than happy past but I also understand where people come from in life because I've not had the most ideal life myself. Like you with him, i just wanted to offer her the opportunity to see that not all people in the world are out to hurt and destroy her, and obviously i was looking for happiness myself with someone. I accepted her for who she was (or who she pretended to be) and that is something she said a lot of men can't do. She clearly had other ideas.
Its difficult when your heart rules your head, but the only way to move on from this is to persevere with the emotions until they wash away in natural time, and then what you have left is the reality of the situation. You're thinking with your head rather than you're heart, and you realise after what this person has done to you, this person, isn't, wasn't, and never could be worthy of you. It was just an unfortunate twist of fate.
A
female
reader, Truthplease +, writes (4 January 2013):
Truthplease is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to each of you for your answers, reading each of your comments really helps put things in perspective, you guys are very helpful.
The weight I feel on my heart comes from wondering how he could just delete me from his life (all communication and from all social network sites) and cut off all communication like I never even existed right when things were going so great, it baffles me. How do you just forget someone like that in the blink of an eye and go on to another person and act the same way? The things he told me felt so real at the time, like when he told me he told his dad he met "the one" and it's scary that people can play with peoples lives this way and just go on. but like you guys suggested it's probably due to a personality disorder, bipolar or borderline etc. and in that case I agree that I got lucky that it ended.
I had never thought anyone would treat me this way because I always try to treat people really nice and I thought since this guy had issues with his mom that he just needed the support of a good female in his life. He said bc he never had a relationship with his mom he puts any woman he is with on a pedestal and that I was a lucky girl because of that. He had even told me that he had been left by many females in his life (including his mother who doesn't even respond to his emails now and he told me not to ever tell him he needs to reconcile with his mom because he isn't going too--don't know the full story) and that he is sensitive to any threats of breaking up because of that. I told him I would never do that and that I understand his situation. Never ever did I think he would be the one to leave after he said this.
I just have to believe everything happens for a reason. Thanks again for all your help and feedback, it helps more than you guys know!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 January 2013):
 OH dear you got swept up by him and went too fast. LDRs are hard and I have to be honest that Miami to NYC is much easier than CA to NY…. Yes it’s still LDR and yes its’ stil hard but the closer the better…
The first red flag for you was that on the first conversation he already had to confirm that you would move for him. I mean seriously how can you even say to someone “will you uproot your life for me if it works out?” and expect them to say anything but yes.
The second red flag was the speed of light at which your relationship moved… very fast.
Very intense… talking marriage and kids within two weeks of NOT MEETING…. Next time this happens with a guy LDR…RUN DO NOT WALK to the nearest relationship exit. NO ONE should be planning marriage and kids with a person they have not met yet… this is not the wild west or the 1800s where we had arranged marriages…
His whole “I’m very picky and you are the most beautiful woman I have ever met” THIRD red flag..
You had every right to question him and believe him, he throws a good game… gifts, visits, generous with money to you and your family…
I’m betting on deeper examination we would find not depression but bipolar disorder as his behavior when it was good is very manic… RED FLAG FOUR
If it’s two months out and you are still suffering deeply, can you find a therapist to talk it through and stop beating up yourself… you did nothing wrong other than trust someone who plays a good game. I do not think he did it to trick you. I believe he believed it as much as you did.
I think what happened was you got him in a bipolar “up” phase… and when bipolars are UP they can appear to be quite functional and exciting… and then they hit the down…
Do not let this ruin your life.
YOU did nothing wrong… and I can see why you believed him.
Next time, trust your gut… go slow… and know that LDRs when you MEET ONLINE rarely work out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2013):
Sweetie, be glad he is out of your life.. Praise the heavens and the stars..
He is a wanter. Once he gets you he doesn't want you he wants something new.. And this will go on and on with him..
Focus on you, don't cry another tear for this low life, take deep breaths pick yourself up and show him your happy to go on with life without him because truthfully you can and you will..
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (3 January 2013):
 This doesn't sound right at all. You're best off out of it. You really want a guy who talks about marriage and kids and where you want to live after a few weeks?
This guy is still a stranger.
How much can you know about someone in 3 weeks?
A 4-day date? Oh dear. This guy is an idiot. Nice of him to confirm the address so you could send the gift.
You are better off out of it. Who wants to be with a lying, cheating, thief anyway? Move on!
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A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (3 January 2013):
 I'm always wary of men who are really keen at the start, often means they are more interested in the chase, once they know you are keen they back off.
In reality you are better off without him - flying out to New York regularly sounds like a lot of hassle and emotionally draining. Who cares what he does from now on, you will find someone much better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2013): This guy has a big issue and even though you may not see it right now, you're better off without him in your life. Of course he seemed like a modern day romeo, often the people who seem the most sweet and genuine are the ones with darkest sides to them. What you see is only what they want you to see, and its just a front to win over the hearts of honest and decent people, only to destroy them and make people as miserable and destroyed inside as themselves. There's a saying I always go by;
"If something seems too good to be true, it probably is".
Its completely understandable that you're in emotional turmoil right now, and it will take some time for this to really sink in, but things will get better. There's absolutely no way you could ever be happy with a guy who is deeply emotionally disturbed like he is, and I wouldn't even bother eating myself up about this other woman because give it 3 months, and she will be exactly where you are now, but by that time you will have picked yourself up, dusted yourself down, and be back living in reality and thanking your stars that you seen him for what he really is within 3 months, and not after 3 years, marriage and children to this guy.
He deserves to be on his own suffering in his depression and loneliness if he thinks its acceptable to treat people this way, and that's exactly where he'll be because he will continue to push females out of his life. It sounds like he's on some bitter revenge mission towards women, probably all linking back to when his mother left him.
You made a mistake and its not your fault. Some people do only see the good in others, and let's face it, what women doesn't want to be randomly swept off her feet by her dream man when she least expects it. I wouldn't blame you if you never trusted men again, but there are decent men in the world, you just need to look a bit closer to reality for the real ones. As I said earlier, if something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Just keep faith as best you can in men in-particular, otherwise you too will end up as bitter and hateful towards the opposite sex as he is, and a life of bitterness and hatred is a miserable one.
Ironically he wants to be a heart surgeon when all he seems to be good at with hearts is breaking them hmmm...
Stay strong, keep the faith and look to the future which you still have ahead of you (Good job you didn't throw it all away on him)
Good luck.
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