A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice about my boyfriend?Well, I was pretty much in bad relationships my entire life. When I was 16 until I was 22 I was in a relationshi with a guy who abused me physically and emotionally, he lied and cheated on me, and got me into a financial mess. I did a year of therapy and tried to get my life back, but I was insecure before and this beat me down. Then I dated losers and the other relationship I was in he cheated on me. Well, it makes me wonder what is wrong with me. Well 8 months ago, I met this amazing guy.He was good looking, funny, sweet, and we have so much in common. I have never met anyone like him before. We live an hour apart but we try and see each other as much as ppossible. I stay there prob 4 nights a week. He really acts like he cares. He comforts me when I am sad, he won't let me pay for everything, he pays me back if he borrows money, he just treats me like no one else had. He loves to just hug and hold me. My aunt recently died and he held me all night, called to check on me, he offered to go with me to the funeral, but he sat there and just talked with me. He was great. He always is. My problem is that I'm scared. My mind tends to wonder and I go crazy. We don't fight but one night I went nuts. He tried to calm me down but their was no rationalizing with me. I was drunk and trying to break up with him. He said the nicest things. He told me how amazing and wonderful I am. He appriciates me and all I do for him. He may not always say it but he does. He swore he wouldn't hurt me. He says he doesn't know who ever told me I'm not great but that's a lie. I am pretty and he loves me eyes. He said I was trying to run bc I've been hurt and I'm scared and so has he. And just a ton more. I stayed that night. I recently tried to leave him again and he tried to calm me down. He said nice things and just wanted us to talk. I said we don't want the same things but he said if I want to move he will move. He would have kids if I want. He isn't worried about our religious differences. Well I kept saying he just wanted sex and he was cheating. He denied both. He calmed me down and I felt like it was so right again. There are times I can't imagine life with anyone but him. I really do care but I don't want to get hurt or make the wrong choices again. And there are days things feel off. We met online and I discovered that he is still on the online dating sites. He doesn't check them a lot. So this always had me wondering. Is he cheating? Will he? does he want something better? Well when I saw this I felt insecure so I check his phone occasionally over the last few months. Most of the time its nothing just his parents, me or his buddies. Occasionally he talks to this girl but nothing serious. Its nothing more than a few texts usually and its nothing suspicious . And I know online sometimes he talks to girls. Recently I found some girl sent him pics nothing to bad but I was hurt. He talked on the phone with her that same night but never again. I don't know what to do. Should I dump him? Why is he still on this dating site? How do I know I can trust him? Does he think I'm not good enough? I wish I felt secure. I wish I didn't feel this way but what should I do? He swore he isn't cheating and won't hurt me but how do I know that's not a lie? I need some opinions please. If people think I am overreacting I think I can move past it but I need to know.
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male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (27 January 2011):
 A little suspicion is natural, after all, it is rather odd that he would still be on dating sites, but when was this? Before or after you tried to end things with him? I suppose it is understandable that he would turn to those dating sites right after you tried to break up with him, just in case though, that barely justifies anything.
From what you have written, I would believe him when he says that he would never hurt you and I believe he does genuinely care about you. Of course you are feelings vulnerable right now, it is expected, especially after your aunt's death. Try not to fear it though, perhaps you could talk to him about it and just ask him, see if he can offer good reasons. Perhaps he is just as insecure, perhaps he needs to know that he is a worthwhile guy which is why he visits those dating sites occasionally, why he talks to those other girls without letting things get out of hand. Talk to him about it and try to place some faith in this relationship. I think you still need to seek more help to finally come to terms with everything that has happened to you so it does not ruin what you have.
I hope that helps.
A
female
reader, PatientlyWaiting1 +, writes (27 January 2011):
Relationships come and go. To love him is to risk being hurt again. But the more you stress out about it, the less you are able to enjoy your relationship. You must control your emotions before you run him off. That is enough to eventually stress anyone out.
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