A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I love him. About a month ago my very good friend asked me to the movies. I accepted and when I arrived asked how his GF was doing, we will call her Sarah. Sarah decided they needed a break two days previous...so he was upset. I ended up trying to pursue him in the thoughts that he was actually going to break it off with her, and for two days that's what he had planned to do. They talked it out however, they are going to try to work it out. Sarah made out with his best friend last night, but he still hasn't called it quits with her, even though he knows that I'm fully prepared to love and be with him. Does anyone else ever feel like a side girl? I hate to act this way, but I feel like every guy approaches me in a time of weakness to cheer up, but leaves as soon as the other girl comes back. I have no problem being their shoulder to cry on but I feel like no one ever considers that my heart is on the line.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): I'm confused. This guy is your good friend? But you love him? And you pursued him as soon as he and his girl broke up. So all along you had an ulterior motive. You were friends with the hopes that one day it would turn into something more (unbeknownst to him I suspect). And now you feel used because you have professed your love and it is not reciprocated...You are really confusing the parameters of love and friendship. Maybe he would have considered your heart being on the line if instead of feigning a "friendship" with him all along you would have been honest from the start and let him know that you actually liked him romantically. Instead you pretended to be his friend and are now upset that it didn't turn into something romantic. That is just ridiculous. Furthermore, just because he ended things with this girl does not make him available. Obviously he still loves her. It must be very confusing to him that such a good friend like yourself, who has always been just a friend, all of a sudden has a crush on him. You are kind of playing the victim and the martyr when in reality you are setting yourself up for failure. Not only is this guy completely unavailable (people break up and get back together all the time) I mean it has only been two days! But on top of that he is your friend. It must be quite a shock to him to hear from you that you fancy him. He really has no fault here.You need to stop playing the victim and feeling sorry for yourself and just be more realistic. You both are just friends and he is in a relationship. Don't act like you didn't know this. That you would expect anything out of this other than what has already happened is just preposterous.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): I agree with Quirklady, you're pursuing the wrong guys. This friend doesn't see this way, he doesn't see you romantically and this means he never will. If it was going to happen it would have already.
You need to back off and let him get on with things, you need to stay out of their relationship and go off and find other guys to date, single guys.
It doesn't matter what happens between them you have to face the fact he loves her and not you. Just because she's treating him badly doesn't mean he's going to break up with her and it definitely doesn't mean if he breaks up her he's going to get with you. That's just not going to happen, if it does it will be because he's hurt, confused and lonely, but not because he wants you just because he needs company.
Forget about getting with this guy, you're just going to get very hurt if you keep pursuing him and you're wasting time and energy you could spend on another guy.
"I have no problem being their shoulder to cry on but I feel like no one ever considers that my heart is on the line" Why would they consider that? You know they're spoken for and they're the ones looking for a FRIEND to help them out. They're not going to consider your feelings in that way because you're supposed to be their friend helping them, not someone who has feelings for them waiting to pounce when they are at their weakest because that's not what friends do.
Think about it this way. How would you feel if you were going out with a guy and you were having problems? Now your best friend is a guy who you only see as a friend and have no feelings for, and you assume because you're close friends that he doesn't either. So you turn to him to cheer you up and keep you company, ask him to help you sort this out because you trust him completely and feel safe because he's you friend with no romance in it at all and he all of a sudden turns around and tries to kiss you. The time when you needed this friend the most he turns around and makes a move on you, tries to take advantage of your weak emotional state to try and get with you.
That's right you'd feel disgusted and very hurt. Because now, not only are you having problems with the boyfriend that you love but your best friend completely betrays you by using this as an opportunity to get you. So that means he wasn't really your friend at all he was just a guy waiting around to make his move, so your whole friendship would have been a lie. So that then adds even more emotional trauma to your already destroyed brain.
You see what I'm getting at? You're letting your feelings get the best of you, you're actually that guy, the guy who is waiting around for his opportunity to pounce, you're waiting around not as his friend but as someone that's just waiting for her chance and now that he's at his weakest you're making your move and getting hurt because it isn't working. That means you're not really his friend at all, at least not a good one, because you have a different motive in your friendships. You know usually it's guys that do this to girls, they spend a long time getting to know a girl and building up trust based on friendship, getting really close to the girl, becoming her confidant and shoulder to cry on. Then they wait until that girl is going through some trauma and see it as their opportunity to go in for the kill. It's one of the biggest betrayals we can experience, because he wasn't really trying to be her friend he was only doing that to get with her and that makes everything one big huge lie, so the girl can never trust him again.
Stop being that girl. You're only going to get hurt and you're only going to hurt guys that think you're being their friend when you're actually not. Seriously move on and if you like a guy then do something about it from the start, don't befriend a guy and spend ages building up a friendship if what you really want is to be with him. You're just going to be friendzoned again and it hurts, so you have to find out as early as possible if he's willing to get with you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): ~NEVER ALLOW ANYONE TO USE and/or ABUSE YOU~
Take the time to learn the person.
Pay more attention to the person's actions than words.
You will know True Love when it finds you, because you will never question its intent.
Don't settle, as you will impede True Love's penetration into your soul.
LIVE, LOVE and SMILE~
God Bless.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (1 December 2010):
No matter how much you love him, if he doesn't feel the same way for you, it won't work out. And I'm afraid he doesn't feel the same way.
The truth is, his head and heart are elsewhere. He clearly still cares for this 'Sarah', and there is nothing you can do about it. And even if he did suddenly stop with her and came to you, you'd just wind up a rebound.
From what you've suggested about guys that come to you when they need cheering up, I'd suggest that you need to look carefully at the type of guy you're attracted to. You seem to be trying to rescue this guy, rather than just let him do his own thing.
Back away and just let him deal with this situation.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (1 December 2010):
 Don't pursue guys who have just broken up with someone. Rebound relationships rarely, if ever, work out. You will just end up feeling used, because at least some of the time you are being used.
Pursue men who are clearly single instead of trying to be someone's bridge over troubled waters. Save yourself the drama.
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