A
female
age
51-59,
*j1970
writes:I started seeing my bf about 2yrs ago, after getting comfortable in the relationship he confides in me that he and his ex-wife were swingers. Not only were they swingers but he had sex with almost every cousin she had (she was involved in the acts with him). I tried to break it off but he convinced me he no longer wanted this lifestyle anymore. I decided to continue the relationship under the circumstances that he stay away from everyone he had that lifestyle with. We pull up to pick up the kids and there is the ex and some of the cousins he has been with, I was very uncomfortable. He runs to his ex every time something happens and has recently spent the night at her house. I told him that was crossing the line. He told me it was because it's good for the kids and to deal with it. The ex handles all of his business. He runs to her like mommy every time something goes wrong and she now has the key to the house we are supposed to be living in. Am I crazy or is this as screwed up as I think it is. By the way ex is in a relationship with her 1st cousin. Do women really put up with bf spending night at ex's? Should I? This has really crushed me. I loved this man dearly but dumped him over spending the night. His response was he's giving me time to think about it because he loves me and misses me.
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cousin, crush, ex-wife, his ex, swinging Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2009): I'd "deal with it" by kicking his ass to the curb and changing the locks... or better, move and don't tell him where, and change your phone numbers... this is total crap and you don't deserve this kind of "relationship"...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): he is giving you time to think about it - utter nonsense. this man and all he is associated with is no good, these people have crossed the line with their sexual experiments. do you want to be drawn into their shit. if you continue with him this is exactly what will happen. you either join them or be left out in the cold. he doesn't respect you.
for your own self respect and well being. you know that this unhealthy relationship has to end.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): Please DONT have anything more to do with him. Once a swinger always a swinger. And believe me I know, my ex was a swinger before we got together, when I found out he swore on his kids life he'd stopped. Guess what he never did, he just carried on doing it behind my back. Don't trust him and if I was you i'd get STD check straight away.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 May 2009):
 Wow, you know what to do don't you? Man it's so obvious that he is NOT what you want. I'm sorry about his kids, it's just not fair that kids are put through crap like that. EVER.
But he RUNS to her when you two have a fight? She manage him? He slept at her house?
I'd dump so fast his head wouldn't stop spinning for weeks. Change your locks too btw. If the house you live in is in his name, then move out. If it is in yours kick him out, pack his shit and drop it off at HER house.
But that is me and what I would do.
You need to sit down and figure out WHAT you want in a man, in a relationship and in life. Can this man provide that for you?
PS did he have an STD panel done before you two started sleeping together? You might want to go get one done. No offense to swingers.. but all that "casual" sex spreads plenty of STD's.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): It's not just the spending the night, its also that he runs to her, gives a key to your house and has her handling his business. You are supposed to be the main one but he has put you on the sidelines and is not considering your feelings. Dump him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): well rid of him, no doubt he would have tried to introduce you to the swinging scene at some point. Do not have contact with him.
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A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries  +, writes (21 May 2009):
 oh my word! you are definately better off out of it to be honest seems dodgey that he always goes back to her?
especially after he admitted they were swingers?
and she has a key to your HOUSE!!! that is absurd!
you are better off out of this i mean he clearly can't let go and i think he's still in swinger mode to be honest.
do the righ thing for yourself!
forget him and move on to find someone who clearly loves you and won't be rude and tell you to "deal with it" after staying at an ex's that's not normal to be honest and for him to tell you to just deal with it is a bit rude if you ask me he says he loves you so why go to his "mommy" as you quoted when things get a bit tough?
strange no?
i think you are definately better off without him hun.
do what's right for you...
best of luck i hope this helps you
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A
female
reader, bj1970 +, writes (21 May 2009):
bj1970 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLuckily I don't have any children with him. Unfortunately the ex & him have 2 children, one is 5 and the other 13 that are in a horrible situation with mommy & the cousin living together sleeping in the same bed, staying drunk all the time & doing drugs in front of the children, and letting the 13yr old smoke & letting her bf spend the night. The five yr. old will tell you they kiss and snuggle but it's ok because they are in love. The person who commented when big sis kicks him out he comes whining. He has been whining & knocking on my door drunk as a skunk and begging me back. He does make promises that things will never happen again only to be good for a few wks then back to the same old crap. He tells me i'm crazy, he's very controlling, he works on a towboat so is only home for 2 wks every other mo., while he's on the towboat with 6 guys i have to answer my phone every time he calls or he gets mad, when he gets to land and has a motel room out of town I don't hear from him for 8-10 days then about 2 days before it's time to come home he always calls and says "hey baby I missed u"..when i can't get ahold of him in his room he says he unplugged the phone when he rented the room because they have railroad workers that stay there and they accidentally call and wake him up all hours of the night. I guess i've been a fool.
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female
reader, niki20 +, writes (21 May 2009):
 no dont take this crap, leave him. i wouldnt have anything to do w/this. this is boogus, you every righ to be pissed off. leave this crushing relationship and find your prince. he crossed the line and w/out you doing anything about it hes going to think iys ok. hun, you deserve so much better then this. for him to tell you to deal w/it makes me get the impression that hes walking all over you. you deserve better, hes playing you for a fool. goodluck hun.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (21 May 2009):
 Well give him all the time in the world...like never respond.
Do you have kids with him?
Does his reaction sound normal?
Oh dear that's just a terrible way that this guy is treating you. Run screaming from this idiot and never look back!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): Don't be fooled. This sorry excuse for a man you've been going out with is just the child you described. He runs to "Mommy" when something goes wrong and when "Big Sis" kicks him out he comes right to the door crying and whining. Your boyfriend's failure to show any maturity should be evidence enough that as soon as you let him back in, he'll go back to being the apathetic slob he was. There are really only two types of men. Those who are nice and stay that way, and those who are nice only for the first few months. He broke a promise. Why should you trust him now, of all times? Don't you deserve better?
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