A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 9 weeks and now my husband decides to tell me that he slept with a work colleague last year but thinks because its a one off that I should be able to move on and forgive him.Our wedding had to be pushed back due to the fact I fell pregnant with our daughter and my due date was 5 weeks before the wedding, otherwise we would have been married since July last year. When he decided to tell me, he told me how and why it had happened. He said he was drunk, and she had broken up with her boyfriend and was looking for a rebound guy. He then told me who she was, and I couldn't believe it was someone who was actually at our wedding and she gave us a lovely photo frame as a gift! I felt sick looking at it so I throw it away.He told me that he decided to tell me because I had a right to know and he didn't want to lie anymore and hoped it would make us stronger. I'm so confused as to why he thought that but I am glad he told me finally.I was willing to try forgive him until he refused to sleep in the spare room for a while until I felt comfortable with him again. He wants me to just forgive and forget because he came clean but I can't do that. Part of me wishes I could walk away from him but our daughter isn't a year old yet and my marriage is still brand new. I feel like a failure as a wife and a mother for wanting to run away from all this. I need some advice on how to deal with this mess and how to work through our issues.I still love him, and I still want is to be together but I don't know how we can.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (26 March 2014):
 Well said, Sageoldguy!! Couldnt agree more!
For your husband the infidelity ended when the sex was over so he thinks that you should forgive him and move on because in his head, he's forgiven himself and sees it as a momentary indiscretion in the past. What is he...10? I mean even a kid would know better!
What's worse is that he had the cheek to invite her to the wedding and the woman actually had the brazen audacity to come!
First of all, STOP blaming yourself for his mistakes because in NO way were you a failure. It was his fault, his problem, his mistake. You were/are out of this.
Secondly, he cannot just expect you to say, "oh, you slept with her? You shouldn't have but OK, lets move on".
He cheated on you, he lied to you and now after you get married, he decides to come clean because by some twisted logic he thinks this'll make you stronger...was he drunk again when he said that because seriously, I cant see any sane, normal man thinking that way or even saying this out loud to his wife of 9 weeks!
If you want to make this work then remember, its going to be a very long and bumpy ride. You have a young child to deal with, you've barely been married for 2 months and now you're faced with this. This is a terrible situation to be in. As the others have suggested, try couple's counselling and seek the help and support of family because if and when you do decide to leave this man, you will need your family to stand by you.
Don't ever blame yourself and don't think that you have to stay in an unhappy marriage just for the sake of your child. You can always have your marriage annulled based on the ground of fraud. Keep your options open.
A
male
reader, M Proops +, writes (26 March 2014):
He doesn't sound very trustworthy,i don't think you'll ever be able to forgive or forget this.How would he feel if you had slept with another man before the wedding?You're not a failure as a wife,he's the failure!i don't think anyone would blame you if you just walk away from him,he'a a bum.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2014): Well, we can dwell on the shouldah-coulday-wouldah's; or deal with the present, and the facts as they are.
You are nine-weeks married, and a daughter later.
Having him sleep in another room won't erase what he did. Confessing the crime doesn't mean he gets instant forgiveness; and a free stay-out-of-jail card.
He logically believed coming clean is what he should do. He might be so much of a jerk; that he didn't realized there would be an emotional reaction.
You ask him to collect his things, and move-in temporarily with his parents, and go to counseling together. Keep everyone out of your business. Don't tell your girlfriends, or make a family spectacle. Let him feel the heat, and a some humiliation. Let him have to explain to his own parents. If he refuses leave. Go home to your own parents.
Get free marriage-counseling, or church-counseling. You need an intermediary. He'll use his brute strength to dig-in his heels and not budge. Don't wimp out. Insist on it. A baby came into the picture earlier than she should have. So now you don't have the flexibility you'd have, if she wasn't there.
He needs not only consequences; but he needs to be put through training to let him know this is big, and he is going to fix it now; so there will be no future mistakes.
If he's willing to work that out. Meet him halfway. Let him come home to visit your baby; and then be on his way while you have time to gather your thoughts and adjust your feelings.
When people lose the things they cherish most; they learn to appreciate it all the more.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (25 March 2014):
 This results from classic differences between men and women. Those differences works like this:
1. To a man, he has not indulged in an infidelity until he has landed his penis inside the lady; To a woman, the infidelity started when he agreed to have a drink with her.
2. To a man, the infidelity ends when he withdraws (for whatever reason!) his penis from the offending lady-parts; To a woman, the infidelity isn't over until she has gotten her "piece of flesh" and has put the offending Lothario in his place, and taught him that begging for her forgiveness is his lot in life until/unless she chooses to forgive him....
Along those same lines, following the discovery of a sexual indiscretion, men think that it is over... so it's over.. and why can't women understand this? After all, we sent her home (maybe even paid for the taxi)... so HOW MUCH could we give a darn about "her"???? Women have great memories.... and the man's infidelity will stay with him until his funeral is over....
I think your hubby exhibited overwhelming stupidity... his tart, even more - by attending your wedding.... and you have some serious thinking to do.... about him, you,... and your future together (if there is to be one)....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 March 2014):
 He hoped it would make you stronger? Seriously?
She was still invited and actually dared to SHOW up at your wedding, what a cheeky cow!!
He should have told you BEFORE the wedding. I guess hindsight is 20/20 and therefore not useful right now.
THIS doesn't make YOU a failure as a wife OR a mother. My suggestion is to talk to your priest/pastor (if you belong to a church) or find a place that does couples counseling.
If you think you OWE it to yourself to work this out then go for it.
YOU don't owe him anything. Nor do you "owe" it to your daughter to stay.
You are not going to be able to just forgive and forget. That is unrealistic of him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2014): You need couples counselling. ASAP.
By the way, I don't think it's unreasonable for you to want him to sleep in the spare room while you handle this, but I think it'll take more than just that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2014): You need to sit down and talk to him about this is a calm and adult manner. Explain the way you feel and if he won't sleep in the spare room then you go, you're not in the wrong but if he's being selfish about the situation then you can't risk your entire marriage over it. Be sure to keep your cool though otherwise it will end in an argument. What he did was unacceptable whether he was drunk or not, that was an excuse and you should not accept it and move on easily otherwise he will think you're easy to brush off like that. People in the wrong will always try to make you feel bad for their actions because they're not able to take the blame. You're not a bad wife and mother, and you're not a failure. You have the right to want to leave it all, but as you say, you love him. Perhaps you could stay with someone else for a week, a shock will hit him hard as cold as it sounds, he will do whatever it takes to get you back, even if that means sleeping in the spare room for a week or two until you have calmed down.
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