A
female
age
30-35,
*ts9290
writes:Hello all! So here is my question/problem: I am 19 years old and a sophmore in college. I have been with my boyfriend, who is 20, since 2006. We met in highschool when I was a sophomore and he was a junior. I love him with all my heart and he means the world to me. We made it through many changes with graduation and the transition to college and other challenges we have faced in our relationships. Both of us are completely faithful and I know he would never cheat on me.But, like any relationship, we have our problems. For example, he has lied to me about 5 or 6 times over the course of 3 years. When every single one of the lies occurred, he was with his best friend. Now, every time he goes out with his best friend, I get nervous and "put a wall up" because I am scared that his best friend will encourage him to do something stupid and he'll then lie to me about it and hurt me. I trust my boyfriend completely but I don't trust his best friend and it's really frustrating for both of us. How can we change that trust issue?Another question I have is about our future. I'm 19 and I'm not about to settle down and start having kids, but it would be nice to know whether or not he can see himself spending the rest of his life with me. Whenever I bring the future up, all he says is that he wants to be with me for a long time. So what is that translated from man language to woman language? It's hard for him to express his emotions, and I understand that, but I'm scared of what could happen. My biggest fear is that we'll stay together and then one day he may realize that he doesn't want a serious relationship. And honestly, if that happened, I would feel so stupid and feel like I wasted time with someone who inevitable didn't want to be with me-do you know what I mean? Any comments, suggestions, or advice is SO much appreciated. Thanks!
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female
reader, danielle0801 +, writes (20 June 2009):
as a female i get what youre saying. me and my bf went through the same thing but what you have to do is sit down and tell how you feel. honestly you say you trust him but you dont. you gotta stop worrying about what his friend might say and jus know if your man cares bout you he'll make the right decison. try this exercise: sit down with him both of you get a piece of paper and a pen and for 5(or more) mins write down your issues with each other or problems you might have with no interupptions. talk calm cool no anger and respect each find a compromise to each other and remember "things dont change overnight". hope this helps
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2009): Well, mts9290, I can't really explain him, not knowing him, but it is sometimes common for some guys to be different when around their male friends than when they are alone with you. It is hard to explain. I guess you could call it a "guy thing". There is a lot of fear with some that they will be ridiculed or laughed at by their friends for being a "wussy-whipped" guy. They may put on an act when you are with them. Maybe a phony "macho" act or just being a little crass, sometimes. I know it is uncomfortable for you, but maybe this helps. Youmight talk tohim about it and let him know you don't appreciate it. As to his feelings about a long term commitment, that is also something you have to talk about. Just remember that it is difficult for any guy when he is not yet finished with school and can't be certain of what his future is yet. What if he has difficulty finding a job in his field soon? And, if he does, what if it may take him a great distance away? Would you be willing to follow him when you finish school? See, all these things are on his mind, now. And all these things must be discussed if you want a more understanding relationship. Best wishes. Tom
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A
female
reader, athenas +, writes (20 June 2009):
Hey there!!! Well friends r always a problem theres always that friend that tells the other one hey lets go here or there lets hit the club lets drink or whatever you know but you said it clearly you know that your bf will never cheat on you if he goes out with him tell him have fun dont mess around with girls and then tell him to be safe as in lets say he races cars n ur scared of him crashing tell him "dont race babe please i dont wana recieve a phone call from the hospital telling me ur injured" that way he sees ur caring and not b*tchin theres a difference, if something stupid crosses his head because of his friend the sweet child (you) will come up to his head hell think it twice. Now if that really bothers you let him know you guys have to learn to communicate with eachother if he says babe nothings gona happen i love you blah blah blah trust him. Trust n communication are the basics in a relationship. Now about you wanting to marry him wait another year ur still 19 u know, wait this year at least, and then tell him "you know what i wouldnt mind seeing a ring on my finger" but this goes with time both of you r still young, maybe he does want a life with you but hes just not ready as in im sure he loves you but dont pressure him or hell back away be patient.Now if he tells you that he doesnt want to get married well the choice is up to you i wouldnt waste my time. Good Luck!!!
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (20 June 2009):
 For the first question, what kind of lies do you mean? Are these "I didn't have more than 3 drinks"-type lies or are they serious whoppers?Now for the second question:You already made it past the 6 month mark and the 18 month mark so things are going pretty well. He might realize this relationship isn't for him, but so could you. Cross that bridge when it comes. You're only 19 and 20, that's still relatively early in life, and people grow and change all the time. Don't let what could happen mess with the present. You could be hit by a drunk driver two weeks from now, does that mean you should stay off roads forever?What he is saying to you, translated: "I am only 20 years old, this is as committed as I am willing to get right now." To a 20 year old guy the rest of his life is a loooooooooooong time. He loves you and loves being with you, but he's not ready to settle down yet.
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A
female
reader, fubr +, writes (20 June 2009):
slow down baby girl you have your whole life ahead of you..who says you have to settle down and start having kids right now?? and if your having questions about it all then take that as your first clue, stop and take it all in..and as far as his friend..is it possible that he knows you have issues with this person so he feels like what ever they do while they are together you may not approve so he tells you what he thinks you might approve of? not saying its right but my ex-husband hated all my friends i had when we got married and did finally run them away..but i always told a different story about stuff whenever they were a part of it just to try and keep the peace.but of course i did say my ex-husband hope this helps
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