A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my bf has gone to uni and is living in accommodation. we have been going out for 2 years and a half so it's a bit of a struggle. the thing is there's a girl in his halls that really fancies him! he said he gets along with her really well (this was before i found out she fancies him). now I'm worried because they seem quite close. the other night we had an argument (well not quite an argument but a disagreement) over the phone. a few days after, i went up to see him. i was on his phone sending a text when i saw texts from/to her, i know i shouldn't have looked but it was to tempting, they were from the night we had the argument, he asked her if she wanted to come online to talk and stuff coz he didn't feel like leaving his room, and told her about the argument and stuff, shall i be worried?? he claims nothings going on and that I'm the one for him but i didn't know if i believe him. i am so insecure i don't see why he wouldn't just run off with her. Plus he's not the same person anymore.its not fair, not only is she trying to get in with him, she gets to be with him 24/7 as she lives with him, I'm so jealous!I don't know what to do i hate going up there because i always get upset because they have jokes between each other and i just feel like an idiot sitting there smiling. Also i don't feel welcome she always looks me up and down and gives me horrible looks. i feel so desperate!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2007): The quickest and best (although not easiest) solution to this is to let your boyfriend gradually go. If you can, for now, start by increasing your own social life as I think you need to even things out a bit as you are like the 'lady in waiting' - perhaps play a little harder to get and see if your boyfriend sits up and takes notice. Mention a couple of male friends names (make them up if you have to) in front of him and when he texts or phones maybe leave it a while before phoning back - it will be difficult because you'll think you're pushing him further away but give it a go and monitor it - a lot of guys get way too comfy in a relationship and start taking people for granted. This might sound childish but the aim is to give you more confidence and to see whether he is noticing your life as much as his own. If his 'friend' is giving you bitchy looks can you get in first and give her one? (oh and by the way dress right up next time she'll have no excuse). It is clear she is trying to undermine you and your boyfriend cannot see it. If I'm honest I think you will struggle to trust him he sounds like he's finding commitment difficult so don't waste too much time - but in the meantime make sure you have the upper hand or are one jump ahead of him. Go girl! Don't let either of them treat you like this.
A
female
reader, masquerade711  +, writes (16 October 2007):
 I have to speak up and be devil's advocate here.
I've been the "female friend" before. I can honestly say that I had no sexual attraction to him whatsoever, we were just very close friends and we shared a very special bond. HOWEVER, both of us knew that his girlfriend came first, above me and above everyone else. I understood that and kept my distance when she came back to visit. I even befriended her, in hopes of earning her trust so that she would never resent the friendship I had with him. That has since fallen apart, because she became much too insecure and accused me of having feelings for him, etc. Both of us tried to explain to her that she was mistaken, but she wouldn't hear any of it.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, you probably have a good reason for this friendship to bother you, but before you fly off the handle at him (or her), take a step back and make sure that your claims are justified, because you don't want to drive him away. That's what my friend's girlfriend ended up doing and it completely severed their relationship. She expected us to start dating the minute they broke up, but to this day we remain only friends.
I hope this was helpful, and I'm praying that things will work out for you!
masq
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (16 October 2007):
 Hi,
I'm sorry to say, but I fear the worse for your relationship.
When you are at university there are so many wierd and wonderful things that pop up it is natural to embrace the new lifestyle that presents itself.
Now, I'm not condoning your boyfriends behaviour, it is callous and disrespectful to you, however it does look like he is looking for new influences in his life and as you are not a part of his university life, you are being left out.
I'm of the opinion that girls and guys rarely befriend each other unless there is some sexual chemistry. These two may just be playing out the game, he loves the attention ( he now has two girls on the go! ) and she loves the chase.
I would have a big heart to heart with your bf, but you may have to accept the fact that with him at university and all these distractions around him, it may be time to move on. Otherwise you will spend the next 3 years wondering who he is with, where he is etc.. your youth is not worth wasting on this type of life.
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A
female
reader, Charmayne +, writes (16 October 2007):
hi there~
have you made it clear to him that you have a right to know if your relationship is not meeting his needs? have you asked him if he is just holding your hand until he knows he has a sure thing with this other girl? does he know that you value your friendship and wouldn't want to lose that because he wasn't upfront and honest with you about his feelings?
the two of them sharing jokes and excluding you is NOT cool. it might be that he is enjoying her flirtations to give "spark" to his relationship with you, but that he really does want to be with you. however, this is not cool behaviour by him. if it's about his ego (this one likes me but can't me, this one i'm with and she's jealous of the other) that is not a solid friendship, let alone relationship.
if he is wanting a friend to talk with about stuff- yeah it would be hard if that friend is a woman. maybe the two of you need to remember that you have a friendship first.
but, if their friendship is excluding you, that is disrespectful of you. i had it happen to me once, my boi refused to see things from my point of view and continued to exclude me, so i walked. their "friendship" fell apart, it needed me there to feed their egos.
next time a joke is made and your not included, or she is outright rude, look straight at him, look straight at her, and walk off...keep walking...and later when (he betta!) asks, calmly let him know he betta pull his sox up and treat you as the valuable person you are, or he will be losing a friendship that he will never find elsewhere.
hope this helps,
talk anytime,
char
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