A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in this strange relationship for 2 years now. He chases after me, I feel intense feelings of joy and excitement (absolutely high), we get closer, I start chasing him, we become very intimate and then he pulls away, says his frightened. I feel rejected, hurt, goes through depression for a month or so, then slowely he starts to chase again and the cycle continues. Cycles last about 3 - 5 months at a time. Everytime the rejection feels more painful and when he comes back, he seems more committed. Will this destructive pattern just keep on repeating itself? He is not really such a fab guy (although always very kind and sensitive to me), but I am desperately physically attracted to him. Has this happened to anyone out there and what do I do? Right now I feel like slapping him in the face. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2007): Thank you so much everyone for your very good and insightful advice!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2007): I've been in a relationasip with a married man for about three years. When we met, he claimed he was about to be divorced. I fell for all of his lines. Unfortunately, I also fell in love with him. The cycles are the same like you mentioned. For about 3-5 months things would be fine then he pulled away. He would alsways come back claiming that the situation wouldn't always be like this and for me to please be patient. Being a people pleaser, I gave in time after time. Right now, I am extremely sad. He went to Iraq about 5 months ago. The first month he was there, he told me how much he loved me and how he wanted to marry me one day. Soon after I sent him a care package with a simple letter that stated how thankful I was for him and that I loved him. From that point, he seemed to distance himself. Some sad things happened to us in the meantime. His father died and soon after my grandmother died. He was never there for me emotionally and did not want me to be there emotionally for him as well. I'm so baffled because after we tried to pinpoint a time to meet in Jordan, he just never called me again. Three years together and never called me again. I would call to make sure he was okay, but he would just turn the phone off. I feel so abandoned. I of course blame myself, perhaps I was too needy or I braught up things at the wrong time. The bottom line is he had the moral duty to a least call and say good bye. The moral of my story is that no matter how much you may think you know someone, you truly may not. I miss him so much it hurts, but I know to think long term would be a horrible mistake. Being a man who has no courage or character is not a man I can love no matter how deep the attraction is. This man is 48 years old. It's plain he needs help, but I can't be the one to save him--he won't even let me try. Please run for the hills. Unless he's willing to get help, you will be miserable about every 3-5 months. Is it really worth it?
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids  +, writes (31 August 2007):
 Where do you want the relationship to go?Tell him what you want in the future - and ask him what he wants and see if you can both agree. Also tell him the state of your patience and tell him how many more cycles you are prepared to go through.Would be useful to show him this webpage at the same time - with the various answers - he will understand the situation more clearly. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2007): He sounds very, very committment phobic and you have become a victim of a man who is suffering from this deep emotional disorder. He needs help...plain and simple. Let him go...I can't impress that enough on you. Save yourself from this continual negative, victimization. Do not look not for reasons and do not--I repeat do not blame yourself. This is not your problem...it is his. And sadly, we all know far toow well, that many females, typically always blame themselves for the problems of relationships. Why do they do it? Because it's safer than putting the blame where it actually belongs, walking away from a negative relationship. Is this headache easier and safer than risking intimacy and vulnerability with a healthy, loving man who can commit. No, it's not. Amazing what females do because they are 'physically attracted' to some loser and that all this great sex and stuff..is the 'end all' in their life. You can get that in a healthy relationship with a great guy, as well. You just have to be strong, respect yourself and endure some pain of loss to becoming a healthier person, inside of yourself. So, my dear, don't continue to be one those misguided females. Take a walk away from this guy and work through the grieving process and find a healthier, more loving man who will give you what you deserve. Take care, dear and all the best.
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A
female
reader, uniquebeauty4life +, writes (31 August 2007):
 I'm thinking he just likes the thrill of the chase, he wants to feel the same feeling over and over again, you know that feeling you feel when you first dating. I'm hoping im not wrong in saying he wants to feel that feeling with you over and over again but he can't keep playing with your mind like that and you have to tell him so.
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A
female
reader, penta +, writes (31 August 2007):
 Some people are comfortable with a specific distance. If you get closer they will push you away, and if you walk away they will try to pull you closer. This is going to be his pattern forever. You're better off without him. Cold turkey is your best bet.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (31 August 2007):
 I'm with hlskitten. See it this way: you can break the cycle. Tell him you've had enough. I doubt he will ever stop doing this unless you force him to.
If a relationship makes you feel pain and anger, it's no good.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (31 August 2007):
 Hi
This is basically a distructive relationship. Hes into the chase and the drama of slpitting up, chasing you again. The boredom sets in, and like you say, the cycle continues on and on. He knows he can do it too because he already gets away with it. Its a control thing deep down, and you are a puppet on a string.
He has a lot of soul searching to do. There is a reason he likes living like this. And possibly only a counsellor will help that come clear.
Its a shame you have so many feelings for him because your best bet would be to walk away from him for good, do cold turkey for a while, and eventually meet someone that prefers a more settled life. I feel for you.
Good luck.
C xxxxxx
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