A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi ladies, ok so I am worried because, my boyfriend (in his 40s) is buying a house that he wants to make into a business a little more ahead, the thing is that he will need to rent one of the rooms to someone (a roommate) to help him pay off the mortgage and not be so tight money wise (even though he makes a good income) so he was telling me that he wants to look for someone that looks decent, cause it’s obvious that it is risky to bring someone to your home to live with you that you don’t even know, but he has to do it anyways, so he told me that his real state agent, who happens to be friends with him, told him, that she was planning to leave from where she lives, and that she can rent a room for her to live there. This is just an option it's not for sure, but it can definitely happen!Funny thing is that this woman has like 3 children (2 adopted and one of her own) I don’t know exactly since when my boyfriend and her are friends, but this sound a little weird to me, since he wants me to live with ME and start a new life with him. The renting of the house rooms will be just for a while to help him pay the mortgage until the efficiencies are done and ready to live in.This house has a good space to build these efficiencies, so it's more for business than for himself, then he will buy a better house for us to live in the future, but in the meanwhile he wants to live there for a while to save money.What I don’t get is this chit-chat friendship between him and this real estate agent. He wanted us to go to a cafe/restaurant to meet up with her, so that I would meet her. Why is this woman even in the picture? Is this just a normal friendship or is this just weird? This real estate agent happens to work in the same business building where his job is at, or at least in the same area very close. She has helped him find houses, including this one. I just find it weird that a real state agent has this type of friendship with her client.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2018): I don't get why it is so 'risky' to rent out a room to someone. People do it all the time, using 'above board' agencies or by advertising that they have a room to rent. This sounds like an excuse on his part to try to get you to keep quiet and not make a fuss about him getting this woman into his life. He wants her closely in his life because she is the key to his future fortune - helping him to find properties - presumably before they get officially put on the market. He will be telling you it's not yet 'certain' if she will do this - not because it is uncertain, but because he is aware that he needs to warm you up to the idea first, ease you into the idea so that you don't make too much fuss when it is all put in place. He already has made his plans, he is just trying to smooth it over with you.You are much younger than him. It's so obvious he is using you for sex and for fun and not much more. Where is your pride and dignity and self respect in this situation? What are YOU doing with your life?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2018):
You have been given some really good advice.
All I would add is that YOU have the power to become a person in your own right. At the moment it is like you have learned to only feel inadequate and to look to other people to determine your fate.
This will never take away your anxiety.
Build yourself up as a person. Build into everything that makes you feel powerful in your own right. You are looking to this man to validate you, to make you feel worthwhile. Why not take the harder - but more rewarding - route of learning to really understand and grow your sense of self? There is something quite pathetic about the position you are currently taking - not judging you, but, come on, you have more strength than that. It is almost as if what you really want is for us to tell you that you can find power in yourself to make your own choices, rather than be degraded by this weird situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2018): The key to me is your uncertainty.
You understand the facts financially but you feel there may be more to this friendship than meets the eye.
Logically speaking you are correct.
Not all estate agents rent rooms from their customers future homes.
Tea and toast wont change that fact.
You are starting to feel like a third wheel on a bike.
Visible but unnecessary.
As you are not married you are free to end your relationship with just a few words and exit from his life.
If you were married and felt like that you would be starting to think of divorce.
You may need more certainty and less loose flexible planning.
I suppose you may be wondering if he's an insurance policy guy?
That is a guy who keeps you around long enough to collect your life insurance when you die.
If a guy is totally obsessed with money sometimes you become part of the investment.
Normally a person would plan to live together unless it would be too disruptive to you both.
It is not normal to buy a house with a view to renting to the estate agent who sold it to you.
That scenario would be extremely uncommon in my opinion.
If you feel doubts about his integrity and honesty then maybe you are getting warning signals of your own that you could have a happier life with someone else!
If this lady has children then presumably they would also live together like one big happy family.
I think you are feeling like a pawn in their plans.
If so then you are free to bid him adieu and move on to a man who only has time for you and a less circuitous way of showing it.
You are probably feeling like Lady Diana as if there are far too many people in the relationship to make it work for you.
You are not crazy and you do not have to go with his plans if it causes you upset and anxiety.
You are free to leave him any time you have enough of the uncertainty of his 'maybe/never' plans.
I imagine your idea of coupledom is just you and your man together building a home and a family and a life together and there is nothing wrong with that, but this guys plans seem to be rather different from your own.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2018): I think you have written on her before about this, but you phrased it all very differently and, this time, have left out a lot of background information - like how your boyfriend is still friends with his (much older) wife who helped him to get into the country and stay there? If yours is the original post I am thinking of, you were suspicious of this friendship that your boyfriend has with this estate agent and you also didn't understand why, when he has a good job, he's living in a rental apartment and doesn't have much spare cash and drives a nice but old car?If this is the same poster as before,you are obviously still concerned about this estate agent. It seems like you've buried the other doubts - or don't want to face up to them - and now are withholding lots of other information in hope that we reassure you that all is okay..? What is it that you want us to say to you? That everything is fine? Of COURSE it's an odd situation - because in the end he's using her to help him to make (potentially a lot) of money and she knows how to help him better than you do, and she needs help from him in return. It would be a perfect 'match' for them both, except you are in the picture because he likes you too.But why does he like you? He is determined to get ahead and do whatever he needs to do to make money at this later stage in his life. I wouldn't discount any underhand behaviour going on, based on his ruthlessness as a potential landlord. Landlord culture is increasing in the world and causing huge inequalities between those who 'have' property and those who get trapped into not being able to afford it because people like your boyfriend 'got there first' and ensure they give them all their hard-earned wages. The ethics of the situation don't bother you, you are just feeling insecure about your position in his life.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (14 June 2018):
 Why? She is a human being like anyone else. Her job is irrelevant. She is friends with people.
The fact that your boyfriend has asked you to meet up with her would, to me at least, indicate he has nothing to hide. He wants you to be comfortable with her being around, with her renting a room in his house.
Meet her. Be friendly. Make her into your friend. I suspect you will then find this situation a lot less strange.
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