A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I would like some advice. I have been dating this guy for about three months now. So far he's one of the nicest people I've dated. When we were first getting to know each other he mentioned he knew a group of my friends and that he briefly talked to my friend we'll call Bree, but said he lost interest in her after getting to know her some. He made it sound like they had a few beers in social settings a couple times and very casual. My best friend, we'll call Stacy told me not too long ago that he was obsessed with Bree and Bree turned him down. To the degree it kinda freaked Bree out. Stacy added that overall he's a really nice guy though and just loves hard. Last weekend Stacy invited me to her small party and I brought him and somewhere in the mix the topic was brought up by Stacy and though I've done my best to not talk too much about it, we ended up having a second talk about it last night just me and him and he started attempting to insult Bree to defend himself but I told him not to do so. It was obvious he still thinks rather highly of her. It was something I didn't want to keep hearing about. Bree is a bombshell blonde, she's fun and energetic. I love the girl. But she's a bit promiscuous and hasn't put much work into herself or goals over the years. Her house tends to be rather messy and she has a lot of random company, doesn't cook or work, all sorts of stuff like that. I'm somewhat pretty I guess, with an education, nice home, somewhat reserved. We're two different people despite growing up together practically. I feel like it's a boundary crossed out of everyone's control because her being my friend and his crush on her didn't come out until after we done been together a few months. And I'm not sure what to think or do about it. I feel like at some point we're all going to be at the same party together and it will be awkward. Even he said it would be awkward, but that he wouldn't give her an ounce of attention. Both of them are talkative extroverts and I'm an introvert and it's just all an uncomfortable situation for me to think about. On top of that it's hard to talk through it with him without sounding like I'm obsessing over the whole thing too much. I don't want to be someone that's settled for because I've put a lot of work into myself. But I feel like he wouldn't be with me if the chick who hasn't put any work into herself but is really pretty, fun and hadn't turned him down.What, if anything, should I do about this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2018): Thanks for the update OPAt the end of the day he fancied her before he got with you and even if he finds her physically attractive because lets face it just because you are in a relationship it doesn't mean your partner suddenly becomes blind it doesn't mean squat. For any relationship to last it goes beyond looks but lets face it most people will be initially attracted to someone for how they look so in your own right you clearly caught his attention for that reason. It boils down to compatibility on whether it will work or not and of course whether you remain attracted to one another on a deeper level. So long as he is respectful if and when the time comes and they are in each others company because clearly that is one of your worries that she is flirtatious, but remember that is Bree and how she acts, only you know if this is the norm with her. But it stands, let it go because he didn't know you at the time and nothing happened, it sounds to me like people are making something out of nothing to stir up trouble in your relationship, trust YOUR instinct with him and enjoy what you have if you are enjoying being with him. Best of luck
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2018): I am the OP. I want to thank you all for your insights. Especially the last three responses. Wise owl, yours helped me a lot today. I've partied with bree numerous times and I've watched her rack up attention from all the guys before, even people i brought along as my company and normally i look at it as a blessing because if the guy was looking for someone settled down and doing the family thing they wouldn't drool all over my cute friend who doesn't much live that way. I wouldn't consider this a self esteem issue. Regardless if he ran off with her tomorrow or proposed to me, my self worth is not wrapped up in how he views me. I have my short comings though and establishing a healthy relationship has always been one of them, hence why I've spent the last ten years turning to dearcupid for annonamus advice. I think more then anything i just want to know that i handle the situation the best that i can. I've ignored red flags in the past and paid large prices for it. At the same time, i don't want to punish him for liking her, she's gorgeous and he didn't know her all the way. Of course guys can like us both. We both turn heads. She just draws them in more with her friendliness and i would find it hard to sit and watch them flirt and i was scared it would come down to that. She doesn't realize how big of a flirt she is. Even her brothers girlfriend thinks she flirts with her own brother she's such a flirt. I know what i bring to the table. I party there occasionally then i go back home to study, clean, work, and focus on self improvement. I simply don't want to waste myself on a guy who's only with he because i look good and who would play me with someone who also looks good. I want a guy with my values who would never put me in a position to feel threatened by another chick, but the dilemma is that it all came about before we got together. Had it happened during the relationship I'd dump him but instead the situation was unique and i didn't know what to think. I'd rather come here and gain insight first then to bring it up to him with no sense of direction causing the relationship to fail either way. Thank you for not making assumptions about my self image and helping me to understand how he's probably feeling and what i should do to be the best version of myself i can be in this new relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2018): Post script:
Bree is the popular party-girl, and probably the one guy's want to boink.
You possess the qualities guys look for in a girlfriend; and possibly a wife. Yet you've buried your best assets beneath some other woman; because you assume men only want bombshells.
Maybe you should move to another state, where nobody knows her. You also need to learn something about men; and get over your sexist stereotype!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2018): Apparently, in spite of Bree's worst habits and shortcomings; she makes you feel insecure, and a little jealous. If you didn't know Bree met him; you wouldn't have a care in the world.
He has to deal with Bree's rejection; while you are a little obsessed over the fact he knew her first. He had a crush; they weren't in-love. His ego is bruised; but he'll get over her. Your problem runs a little deeper. It's envy.
You can't appreciate your own best attributes for comparing them to hers. You're organized, pretty, educated, ambitious, and succeeding at what you do. Even knowing all her faults; you still seem to minimize your own most superior qualities; because you can't deal with the one particular trait she has. Her beauty!
You're projecting the discomfort you have about Bree onto the guy; and can't relax for assuming his thoughts are all on Bree. When in-fact, you can't enjoy being with the guy for mentally pairing him off with Bree; and just assuming her looks cancel-out everything you have to offer.
Girlfriend...give yourself and that poor guy a break!
I'm sorry to be the one to have to say it; because you didn't come here to have anyone say this.
If you can't be with the guy; and like him without visions of Bree playing in your mind. Stop seeing him! It's just a matter of time before his feelings get attached.
Just hangout and be friends. You're wasting his time; when he is trying to get to know YOU! While all you can think about is Bree. How pretty she is, how he crushed on her, and how disappointed he is he couldn't be with her. It was a passing thing. He feels uncomfortable; because she shot him down! Others in the social-circle know it; and his male-ego is bruised by the rejection. It's awkward and embarrassing.
He doesn't have to deal with her conceit or narcissism anymore; but now he's about to hit another wall. YOU!
Why? Again, it's about Bree!
It seems, in your mind, that all devalues everything you have to offer. You've already canceled any chance things could workout for you two. Thereby deciding the fate of this connection through self-fulfilling prophecy. Setting it up to fail. Why? Once again; because he has met Bree, and liked her! Now you can't shake it off!
My dear, this whole thing is all in your head. What it all comes down to is your overthinking.
Get-over Bree. It won't stop with this guy. Every guy you'll meet; you'll assume they'll see her, and like her more. Superficially, perhaps; but sometimes a nice-guy wants a lot more than what meets the eye! You've got it going on; but then there's...*sigh*....Bree!
You're about 30; but it would seem a teenage-girl wrote this post.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2018): It is said there are six degrees of separation and in this case he liked your friend. But he didn't date her, he may have pursued her but he was not with you so it has no consequence to your relationship.My daughters dad fancied one of my best friends before he dated me and like 'Bree' she was tall, blonde and skinny (the complete opposite of me) but to be fair it never really bothered me because nothing happened and yes he fancied her in the physical looks sense. I was happy enough in my own skin to know he fancied me and appreciated my qualities, we all hung out, it was no biggie. He even slept with one of my best friends (again before we met) but again we all hung out, in a group and there was no dramas. If you like him and he likes you leave Bree out of it and just accept it for what it is, something that is nothing.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 June 2018):
 I don't really think this is about HIS crush but YOUR insecurities and YOU comparing yourself to "Bree".
You describe her as outgoing, fun, pretty but you also had to take some STABS at her for being "promiscuous and hasn't put much work into herself or goals over the years. Her house tends to be rather messy and she has a lot of random company, doesn't cook or work, all sorts of stuff like that."
So what? "Bree" is who she is and THIS is not some competition. Who knows, IF your BF had actually gotten a chance with her it might not have lasted, if he was looking for a partner who can keep house, cook, etc. etc.
YOU DO NOT have to put other women ("Bree included) down to try and make yourself look better. You and "Bree" are two different people all together. INDIVIDUALS.
YOU are the one "ranking" "Bree" as a higher value woman because of her looks. Not him. He probably initially liked her because she was pretty and outgoing. He wouldn't have known that she has a messy house and can't cook. So what he initially liked about her was the superficial stuff we ALL initially see.
And who knows, OP he might have met OTHER women before "Bree" some who might be blond too. Or prettier than you. SO what?
He didn't "pick" you because you know "Bree". And I doubt he started dating YOU because he couldn't find "better". I think he started dating you because he wanted to get to know you.
EVERYONE has had a crush on someone and quite often with crushes DO NOT work out.
He wasn't OBLIGATED to go into details about his REJECTION and prior ATTRACTION to "Bree". He doesn't OWE you a play by play of the women he has chased, dated and been rejected by. And you don't owe HIM the whole "history" of your former partners either. NA DA!
And, no he might NOT be with you if "Bree" had liked him back. But then again they might or might not have lasted - however THAT is all speculations.
YOU could have met HIS brother, or his single BFF and then YOU wouldn't have dated him!
There is nothing to "talk through" here. He met "Bree" before you, found her attractive and pursued her. SO what? You think you should be the ONLY girl he had ever laid eyes on? You are in your 30's and I guess he is as well, so OF COURSE he has met OTHER women before you that he wanted to get to know, wanted to date, to screw etc. etc. JUST LIKE you have met men you wanted to get to know, date and screw.
As you probably know, there isn't just ONE person "out there" for each of us.
Now, if he had acted like a nutty stalked after "Bree" rejected him, then I DEFINITELY wouldn't continue to see him.
And if you feel like he IS settling for you, then no, don't date him.
But if you think he ONLY really want to date women like "Bree", then I think you are wrong. If that was his absolute preference he wouldn't have started dating you.
I also think that Stacy should mind her own business. If she REALLY is a good friend to you why would she go into details about his crush but then also try and "sell" him to you like some sleazy car-salesman?
Personally? I think you should end with this guy. Nothing HE can say or do will change how YOU see things and it will only KEEP nagging you and keep driving a wedge between you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2018): I totally understand why this would bother you. It would bother
Me too. No one likes to feel like second choice and it can be upsetting that men can often not see past the physical. As women we intuitively know
How important looks are to men . The biggest industry on the internet for example, porn , is focussed almost entirely on men's need to objectify women and the female body
So yes the blonde bombshell who we know our man is attracted to can feel like a threat and I don't think it's as simple as saying ' oh that woman just has bad self esteem if she's worried '
It's more a case of , that woman is realistic and knows what many many men are like!
If it was me I'd be watching carefully to see his reaction around her . If he showed any signs of interest like ogling or anything of concern I would cut my loses and move on to someone who was more interested in me
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (14 June 2018):
 Why would your friend bring it up? That was pretty tasteless to be quite honest. It’s in the past so leave it there.
I really don’t even think it’s an issue, the only way it will be is if you make it one. You’re right, he might not be with you if she had accepted his advances, I wouldn’t be with my now GF if other people in my past had. You could literally say stuff like that all day long if you felt like it, but the fact of the matter he isn’t with Bree, he is with YOU. So why wonder who else he could be with? Because it’s a made up scenario.
Get over it, it was a crush. It’s not an issue. You’re going the right way about self sabotaging.
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