A
female
age
41-50,
*oonlit10
writes:Hello. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. I have been telling myself he is just a late bloomer and inexperienced. He had sex for the first time in college and then found religion. He is a born again christian and since then he says premarital sex is bad. His ex girlfriend left him because they had sex only when he could not resist it any longer. Basically, his biological urges made him do her. Years later, he is doing this again with me. I am his second sexual partner and I am getting frustrated and beginning to ask questions. At first, I sensed his passion for me and he would supplement oral sex instead of us actually having vaginal sex. To me, I feel he is being a hypocrite because if premarital sex is wrong, then all forms of sex should be off limits. Moving on, that has tapered off too. I've told him he doesn't make me feel sexy but he just says sex is wrong and we have to wait. I finally asked him if he is gay and he says no. In response, he also asked me to marry him. I don't know if he did that just to keep me happy. I wish he would just be more manly and sexual. I've told him this and also that his behavior makes me feel insecure.I've asked him to touch me more and show some interest but again, he says if he does that then our marriage won't be blessed. I've told him he's been a hypocrit by wanting me to perform oral on him and he gets mad. My brother says he's gay but they haven't spent much time together. I don't know what to do and no one has been able to help up to now.
View related questions:
christian, ex girlfriend, his ex, insecure, oral sex, vagina Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (16 March 2010):
 What he knows is premature sex is wrong according to his religion. It is concerning oral sex or other form of sex where the boundaries are blurred. He is not sure if it can be considered as premature sex.This is a grey area.
He cannot touch you in a sexual way because he is afraid that he may lose control and go all the way.
He believed that if he cannot stand the lust, he will have to get married .
It is difficult to change their minds because they are set in their ways. You can either accept him and wait or you move on.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2010): I agree with both of the other answers. His desire to wait is a fair choice for him to make. You don't have to stay with him through it if you don't want to, that's your choice.
But I do think he owes you a little more affection than you seem to be getting. Maybe if he trusts that you will accept his affections without going on to seducing him into sex, he will be more forthcoming.
Yes, I know that's a lot to ask of you too. But it sounds like right now he won't even meet you halfway because he's so scared you'll pull him the rest of the way over the line to sex again. If he really trusts you to respect his boundaries then maybe he will be willing to step closer to them more often. That's something you can actually help with. Talk to him about it.
...............................
A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (16 March 2010):
Okay, if the shoe was on the other foot, and you wanted to wait until marriage to get married, wouldn't you think it's quite offensive for someone to assume that you're gay? It's okay for women to want to wait but not men and you think it's okay to ask him if he's gay and question his manhood because he doesn't want to have sex with you? That's kind of messed up, and I'm pretty sure no gay man would want to give you oral or get oral from you. Of course he's being hypocritical by wanting oral sex, it is sex after all, but you're being awfully judgemental and you're probably not with the right person for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2010): Wow you are one eloquent 16 year old! Good advice
...............................
A
female
reader, GoGreen126 +, writes (16 March 2010):
I'm 16, so I don't know how much I can help, but I'm going to try.
I've grown up born-again Christian. It's all I've ever known. The sexual limitations that it draws are pretty severe--trust me. Even though the rules explained in the bible seem really dated and impractical, they are rules. If your boyfriend reallys wants to follow God evangelically, there is to be NO premarital sex. Of any kind. Whatsoever. At all. Get my drift?
My guess is that your boyfriend experienced sex just enough to know how good it was before religion took it away. According to the bible, all things of a sexual nature beyond kissing are a sin, pretty much. Your boyfriend is a grown man--he has sexual desires. He breaks the rules sometimes because his body just wants him to that much.
He probably feels guilty for having disobeyed God, and he probably associates sexual acts with guilt, thus making them less desirable.
I highly doubt he's gay. A gay man wouldn't turn to Evangelicals. I think he really wants to do what the bible says is right, even though it's really really hard.
When your boyfriend proposed... That's for you to judge, but I'd say that's for real, unless he just wanted sex that one day. Marriage is the only way he can have guilt-free sex. (Ever notice that many Christians marry young? That's often why.)
My advice would be to support his decision to wait on sex as best you can. Telling you how sexy you are and making you feel sexy are probably really tempting, but you still deserve to have that much. Sit him down and talk to him about how it makes you feel. Work it out with words, and understand that this is a real religion and that's a rock-hard statute of it. There is no grey area, despite how much we all wish there were.
Best of luck,
Feel free to message me with questions,
--GG
...............................
|
