A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:On the dating site he said he was looking to date ONE woman 1 on 1 now he asked me if I " was "cool being F**ck Buddies"! I'm really attracted to him and think we could be together well if he let's me in-should I agree and see if things develop further or should i be offended and stay away. I found this guy on a dating site- very attractive saying he was divorced for 5 years and looking for 1 woman to date, he lives very nearby and turns out we each have one child close in age that go to the same school! On our first date to a cafe there was intense sexual chemistry both ways.I didnt sleep with him until the 3rd date - i slept over and it was amazing- better than I've had with just about any one and I've had a lot! I wanted to get to know him outside the bedroom too then he told me there was someone else. I told him off- that his actions contradicted his words on his profile etc. but couldnt stay away for long- the attraction was too strong. We ended up sleeping together- the other person (did'nt pan out i guess) again amazing mind blowing sex, I made him dinner etc. Then i found some pics of him on Fb with a girl that looked like a cheaper version of me at a party I wanted him to take me to and a bunch more in his friends list-I asked him about it and he said they were "friends" and i really laid into him and he accused me of causing drama so i quit talking to him. At school we would turn our back to each other like kids and avoid each other. After 6 months I called Him and wanted to see him and he mentioned the F buddies thing.I was just happy to see him and I missed the sex too. I wanted to ask him to clarify what that meant to him-(to me it doesn't have a good connotation and seems shallow and empty and sad and maybe insulting) and if that was all he wanted why did he keep a dating profile up saying he was looking to date one woman but i didnt because I didnt want to jeopardize seeing him. I did tell him that if i were to see him again he has to be nicer because he wasn't before and i want to be taken out and do there things besides bedroom stuff.so we got together,chatted about the kids, had a drink then i put on a dominatrix outfit and made him apologize naked on his knees for being a selfish wanker, playfully spanked him and then we had again mind blowing sex. I vowed if we got together again i would play it cool,follow his lead,not pressure him and keep dating other guys and see if he comes closer.I don't mind not defining the relationship for a while as long as he takes me out and stuff_ yes boyfriend-y things. I don't want it to be that he is wining and dining these other women who probably aren't all screwing him but him not taking me out and just using me for sex... it's weird_ we do kiss and cuddle and watch tv together - i just want to go out more and do stuff and for him to buy me little gifts. ( and yes I did give him gifts) He still has the same profile up and he is still flirting with women who look like cheap clones of me ...so I put mine back up as well - don't know if he noticed yet but he will soon. I just want to know what is going on- why would he ask ME for that beside the fact that we have amazing sex? I know he is always very busy with working and he has his son with him 3 nights a week - I don't see how he has time or money to date many other women-I usually would see him on his day off when he didnt have his son... I guess I'm going to have to ask him gently - but i am scared losing him again ! Help! Sorry for rambling
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, crushed_by_love  +, writes (6 June 2014):
Dear OP
Im not saying AT ALL that men don't want their wives or girlfriends to dress up or be adventurous in bed.The point I'm trying to make is that when you had the chance to set down your marker and tell him what you did or didn't want in the relationship, you ended up turning it into a sex game and by doing that you likely destroyed your credibility with him. If you ever try to discuss it seriously again, he's gonna be expecting Miss Whiplash to reappear and turn him on!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2014): Mark has said it all.
But the key to all of this is your ability to keep deceiving yourself.
You keep looking and looking for 'evidence' that this man wants more from you than sex, when in fact the situation screams loud and clear that you have set yourself up to be used and he feels great that he's found someone who will keep deceiving herself, hoping for more, because then you will keep going back.
Until you WAKE UP and see what YOU are doing to yourself, other men will simply follow this same pattern as this man.
Ask yourself why you keep deceiving yourself, hoping for love where there is not ANY at all. What are you running from? The reality that life is lonely without a man and you are scared to be alone? IF you are lonely and bored and desperate then sex will feel amazing because of the contrast between that and the rest of your life.
YOU are making this situation happen. If it wasn't with this man it would be with another.
The fact that the other women look like "cheap clones" of you ONLY means that this guy is treating all of you like sex dolls - you are none of you even real people to him. He gets a kick out of treating all of you like the same object, a bit like running a little sex factory of his own. ALL he wants is sex.
Stop fooling yourself and grow up please.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCrushedbylove do you mean to tell me that men don't want girlfriends or wives who are playful in bed, dress up in costumes and what not and that he would like it more if I just laid there like an uptight cold fish?
Also, the advice to keep sleeping with a man you really like if you want to but is emotional unavailable and just play it cool and date other guys- not necessarily sleep with them unless you want- ("leaning back") she calls it too is from Katarina Phang "the man whisperer".She says many women might feel disrespected and used and are told they rightly should be by society and it takes a strong confident woman to pull this off and is controversial but it could draw him in if he sees that you are fun and sexy but put no pressure on him and can take or leave him as you have other men in "rotation" to keep from getting too keen on him until he steps up. I thought that was an interesting approach and she has a bunch of women testifying on her website who tried it professing it works. I admit I am sexually addicted to this guy-I am a very attractive woman and there are nice guys that i like as friends but don't call all the time or Sleep with and they would probably give me the world to me and are crazy about me but they don't turn me on...I figured if I found a guy that i have great sex/chemistry with I'd want to keep him/it as who know when I'll find that again but at the same time my heart is connected to my naughty bits and if I like a guy enough to sleep with him I like him enough to really want to be with him. I guess men aren't like that.. I'm curious like a scientist so I think I will try Miss Phang's method as an experiment- not call him, let him lead but don't deny him,date others and let him know that I am doing so and see what happens as I am so hot for this guy- who knows it may work or one of my other dates might sweep me off my feet( I not going to sleep with any of them right away or at all I already decided) i will let you know how it goes
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 June 2014):
 I think it's VERY common for guys (and some women too) to say they are LOOKING for that ONE person in their online profile, instead of saying looking for a F-buddies.
Because..... Saying you are looking to ONE person. Makes women (like yourself) who wants MORE then just be a poke in the pillow think that they HAVE a chance at being that ONE.
These people have NO INTENTIONS of being in a serious relationship with their sex buddies. Those are just walking flesh-lights to them.
You are doing the USUAL woman thing when it comes to F-B/FWB . And with that I mean YOU are FOOLING yourself by thinking that having amazing sex you can change his mind and he will WANT YOU and no one else. With this guy?... it's not going to happen.
So your choices are:
KEEP having CASUAL sex with him (and he will keep having sex with you and whomever else he can con into his bed)
OR
Move on and find a guy who ACTUALLY wants a relationship with you.
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A
male
reader, crushed_by_love +, writes (5 June 2014):
If you don't want to be treated as his FWB then the answer is very simple- stop behaving like you are.Even when you tried to confront him with it, you ended up dressing up as a dominatrix and spanking him for it.How can you hope to be taken seriously as girlfriend material after that? He sees you as a bit of fun and you've even supplied the toybox
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2014): Hhe mentioned the f buddies thing... for him your relationship is already defined! And it isn't as boyfriend and girlfriend. Move on , he is not going to change, you've been put in a box.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (5 June 2014):
 On the dating site he said he was looking to date ONE woman 1 on 1 now he asked me if I " was "cool being F**ck Buddies"!
Yes that's very common. Internet dating sites are full or users, players and deceivers. Nobody in their right mind would put on a dating site profile "just looking to kill time by having sex with someone I don't give a shit about". As they would get no where, he wants sex with multiple partners without any consideration, commitment or feelings.
To be honest I think you have been naïve. You have been to ready to sleep with a guy who clearly just wants to use you. I hope you used protection as the chances are he is sleeping with other random women when your back is turned.
You say your playing it cool....while giving him what he wans (sex), and say you will ask him gentle, tip toe around the issue, hope that one day he tells you what you want to hear....come on OP you are his bit of the side. A bit of fun.
"I wanted to get to know him outside the bedroom too then he told me there was someone else. I told him off- that his actions contradicted his words on his profile etc"
Always judge a mans actions not his words. Let him prove himself before sleeping with him. To sleep with someone based on what the say on a profile is crazy. Get to know a man outside the bedroom BEFORE sleeping with him. Not after.
"I did tell him that if i were to see him again he has to be nicer because he wasn't before and i want to be taken out and do there things besides bedroom stuff."
You should have run for the hills when you realized he wasn't nice, not politely asked him if he wouldn't mind being nicer too you if he didn't mind to much and it was convenient for him! Why see someone in the hope he will be nicer next time?? He has proved again and again he is just using you, and others, as a piece of meat.
" I don't want it to be that he is wining and dining these other women who probably aren't all screwing him but him not taking me out and just using me for sex... it's weird"
Nothing weird about it, it should be blindingly clear: he is wining and dining other women to get them into bed!! Pure and simple! You seem to imply that you think he is doing "boyfriend" stuff with other women but not you, but in reality the other women are not so keen to jump into bed with him so he is having to work harder with them to get sex.
"We ended up sleeping together- the other person (did'nt pan out i guess)"
Use your head OP!!!! The other person was probably still on the scene, she is Miss Monday, you are Miss Tuesday.
"I wanted to ask him to clarify what that meant to him-(to me it doesn't have a good connotation and seems shallow and empty and sad and maybe insulting) "
Op theres no point asking a user and a liar like him to "clarify". he will either go defensive or give you and ear full of bull shit. JUDGE HIS ACTIONS NOT HIS WORDS!
Im so sorry but I think you are being very naïve. To be blunt, you ar in your 40's, you should know how men like him operate by now im sorry. You seem to just believe what he wants you to believe and are far too willing to have sex with him.
"I just want to know what is going on- why would he ask ME for that beside the fact that we have amazing sex?"
Do we really need to spell that out? If you were giving any man amazing sex he would keep coming back for more. Would he have feelings for you? No. Would he care about you? No.
Would you be exclusive? No! Would he give you any kind of commitment? No! Would he keep using you as a hole? YEP!
Mark
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 June 2014):
 OP, sorry about the bluntnes,, but, you can't lose him because you never got him. He might even be looking for only one woman to be with ( if it is not may be dating site bullshit ) but it seems clear that this woman won't be you, you don't have what it takes in his eyes to be serious relationship material , although you'd make an excellent fuck buddy. OP, he told you ! , he's not been so mysterious, and he showed you as well, by accusing you of making drama when you pushed for something more relationship-y, and now by not giving you the boyfriendish things you want from him ( gifts, nights out... ) . He keeps his involvement with you to that friendly minimum necessary to get out of you what he wants, i.e. amazing, kinky sex.
What do you mean, why would he ask you for that ( FWB ) beside the fact that you have amazing sex ? I'd say " amazing sex " is an excellent reason to keep around as sex partner a woman whom you are not particularly into otherwise , it sounds to me that would be the very point of it !
That you do not find it flattering because you want to be liked and appreciated also for your out of bedroom qualities, that's another story and you have all the right to seek that kind of appreciation from a man. Just, it won't be THIS man, because so far I'd say he has shown clearly enough that for some reason of his ( that , mind you, has got nothing to do with your worth as a person ) you don't quite cut it for him, he wants something different. I did not say " better ", I said different. He still has his profile up, he is still flirting like crazy, he still does not take you out on dates or trips, he is still not particularly keen of having your company if it does not involve something physical... OP, does he need to put it in written, what is going on ? what is going on, is that , he is not that into you, or, to be precise, he does like you for some aspects of yours, but evidently not enough to give you those relationshipy attentions you'd want from him.
You can talk to him if you want, talking and bringing up everything out in the air is never wrong. But, frankly I can't see you getting much out of this talk. I guess that if he does not wine and dine you is because he keeps his time and money for other more suitable ( in his eyes ) candidates to the role of companion, for which you have auditioned unsuccessfully. It's only up to you to decide whether you can make do with what he offers and is less than you want, or if you CAN'T make do with just that and prefer to move on.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (5 June 2014):
Why do you insist on denying what this is? You're someone to kill time with. THAT'S IT. If you start asking him for more the same thing will happen again.
Either relax and enjoy the sex and casualness of what you have or find someone else who is a little more of what you're looking for.
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