A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 24 years old and I have had multiple partners some of whom know my current boyfriend. He said that my past disgusts him and he can't be with me because he can't get over the thought of people knowing what i am like in bed. Is it wrong for me to ask him to get over it? The guys I was involved with existed before him and they didnt mean anything to me. Now that I am with him, I have been faithful, I don't socialize with members of the opposite sex. However, I have caught him sending numerous naked pictures to his ex and sending dirty messages to women of his past. Am I wrong for wanting to forget my past, when he has done some degrading this in the present???
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): What all this is, is a learning process and nothing more. There are plenty of guys out there that would treat you as a goddess and would just see it for what it was. A fling and he of course isn't going to be seen as a saint either. But then again does it really bother you that he got caught too?
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (1 February 2011):
 Try googling this phrase "retroactive jealousy" - it should clear a lot up for you and show why he is the way he is. Many, many men suffer from this (search dear cupid and you will see, there are hundreds of questions from men struggling to deal with their girlfriends/wives pasts).Try reading this article too http://www.dearcupid.org/question/male-vs-female-a-debate-on-the-male.html
However in your case, while there may be an element of retroactive jealousy going on - it sounds like he has the typical cheaters guilt complex. When someone cheats they feel so guilty and dont understand why, when they have behaved this way, their partner stays with them as they know they are not trustworthy. So they know that they have done something wrong, however they think that their partner will do the same back to them.
So your boyfriend is flirting and conducting affairs with ex's, so he knows he cannot be trusted and is behaving badly - so he expects the same to be done back to him, hence why he is making an issue out of your past.
I'm not really sure how to advise you on going forward with this - I dont really know why you want to stay with a man that is messing about behind your back with other women? He sounds like a complete idiot that has no respect for you at all, he clearly doesnt care enough about you to stop sending silly dirty pictures to other girls.
You guys have a lot of issues here - he needs to stop these dirty messages and he also needs to get over your past, otherwise you have no future. But from the sounds of things, he does not care much about this relationship so I bet if you told him to stop the messages and get over your past, he wont.
To be honest, there does not sound like there is much worth saving here, are you sure that this is a man worth staying with? Do you not want a man who treats you right, who doesnt care about your past and only cares about your future? A man that respects you and cares about you so much he would never dream of sending naked pics of himself to other women?
I think you deserve better - if you have caught him in the act with these messages and he still continues then that is his way of saying "I dont care what you think, I like doing this and have no intention of stopping".
There are plenty of guys out there who dont have the issues with women's pasts, men that are caring, loving and respectful, that would never abuse your trust or good nature in the way that your boyfriend has. Dont let yourself settle for being treated badly because you 'love' him - there will be plenty more guys that you could fall in love with who would treat you so much better.
Your boyfriend needs to realise he cannot go on behaving this way, otherwise you are out of there. If he still doesnt sort himself out even when you tell him this - well he simply doesnt care enough about the relationship to try.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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