A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife and i have been happily married for 16 years and have 2 good kids, we tried the group thing with some friends but my wife does not want to do it again. I, on the other hand i loved it and want to try it again.I can tell the different between sex and love. I tried not wanting it but it does not work like that. We do talk about it to get ourselves going when we have sex but that is as far as she wants to go.i don't want to lose our relationship over something like this. Is there someone out there that can help me please? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): wait a minute you're changing your tune. In your original post you say:
"we tried the group thing with some friends but my wife does not want to do it again. I, on the other hand i loved it and want to try it again. .....i don't want to lose our relationship over something like this. "
then now in your later post you wax on about how great your marriage is and how sex is just the icing on the cake and how you're with each other because of everything but the sex.
That's different from your original post. Your original post was talking about the possibility of losing your relationship over this group sex issue. whereas now you're saying that sex is just the icing on the cake. You don't worry about losing your relationship over something that's just icing on the cake.
Then in your recent post you also say "We love each other enough that we know that we are "it" for one another, and that our relationship is much more than just sex. "
OK, if you truly love your wife then you should not force her to do something against her will (in this case she doesn't want group sex so that means you should drop the issue). So...??
Sex and love can definitely be different. The point is, if your wife doesn't want something (whether it is group sex or moving to a new country) then for you to insist on it when you know full well she doesn't want it, but because you want it, is not being very kind or loving to her, is it?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): For my wife and i, sex and love are not the same thing. You can want to have sex with someone you love, and you can want to have sex with someone you don't love. People buy in to the idea of you get married and all of a sudden everyone else in the world should become ugly to you, or that magically you won't be sexually attracted to anyone else in you life. We all know that's not true. Everybody has thought of someone besides their significant other in a sexual way. Women lust men, men lust women.
We do love each other. We love each other enough that we know that we are "it" for one another, and that our relationship is much more than just sex. That we are together because of everything BUT sex, and the great sex we have together is just icing on the relationship cake. We know that no other sex organ on anyone else is going to take one of us away from the other, no matter how good the sex is.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): Swinging or group sex is not a 24/7 orgy like it's portrayed in the media and in porn. It's normal, everyday people married or otherwise committed couples that occasionally get together with other couples and singles to fulfill fantasies that take more than two people to do.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): but it was her that started all of this with a girl friend
im not mad about that i just liked it a lot she like to flert she said it was for me but i know and now she know
that is not trow
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): You say your desire for group sex just doesn't go away so what should you do? Fantasize about it when you're jerking off by yourself or when you're having sex with her, that's what you should do about it.
So you want group sex and she doesn't. I'm sorry but I think you need to be the one to compromise and give in because women feel violated when forced by men to do sexual things against their will. And this is clearly going to be against her will because she doesnt' want it.
If she gets her way and no group sex, you will lose out by feeling frustrated and unsatisfied. But this is nothing compared to how she will feel if you get your way and force or emotionally blackmail her to have group sex against her will. The negative emotions she will be feeling will be a lot more psychologically damaging to her than any of your feelings of frustration and unsatisfaction will be to you.
IN other words, obviously one of you will get their way and the other won't. But she will pay a higher price for you to get your way, than you would pay if she got her way.
Therefore it's unfair of you to want to get your way at her expense because you are asking her to pay a much higher price than what you yourself are willing to pay. This is blatantly selfish and un-loving not to mention disrespectful.
Especially when it's not like you're not getting ANY sex at all, this is just a variation it's not like she's starving you of any sex at all. YOu're just wanting more than you're already getting. But to get more will come at a huge personal cost to her. Don't you see that it's cruel and selfish to expect that of her to the point of considering ending the marriage.
But if you really do feel so strongly about needing to have group sex, to the point that you would leave your wife over this, then by all means leave her because that would be better and kinder than forcing her and violating her.
I just find it so sad that after 16 happy years of marriage you're now choosing between either leaving your wife or violating her. But of the two, leaving her is by far better than violating her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): Like most people, your wife considers either of you sleeping with anyone else to be cheating, plain and simple.
It's because it's true.
Sorry, mate. But there is no 'just sex' in a relationship. You are with your partner or you are not in a relationship.
Flynn 24
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