A
female
age
,
*esmerized
writes:My daughter was married for 2 years. Overnight she turned into a quiet, withdrawn person. Talking to her, supporting her didnt draw her out of her shell. During the 2 years we (family/close friends) noticed that things between her and her husband were not kosher and that she was hiding things. I discovered that he used her savings to clear up his debts, and that he abused her emotionally (mind games). Thankfully she made an end to the relationship, and as with most breakups/divorces his ex girlfriends came forward with similar stories. During the same period my son and his fiancee broke up (incompatibility). His ex fiancee is also the sister of my other son's wife. Therefore we are quite a close-knit family.Two sons and 2 sisters - one son married to the one sister and the other son engaged to the other sister. One week after my daughter announced her intention to divorce her husband and within days after my son's breakup with his fiancee, we all had dinner at my house. My son's ex fiancee asked about the reasons for the divorce and, since I have known her, trusted her and have always accepted her as part of the family/group, I asked my daugher if I could briefly tell her and she was ok with it (they were good friends, but my daughter didnt share the details with her (or anyone else for that matter). 2 days after the dinner, my children (son, daughter, son+wife, and 4 very close friends decided to have a night out on town (they said it would be a "reunion of family and friends. Naturally they invited the other sister (ex fiancee), as no-one had ill-feelings towards her and she is part of the family! She rocked up with my daughter's soon to be ex husband! Yes, I was disappointed and yes I felt as though she was disloyal.However, I did not want to stir and make matters worse at this very sensitive and hurtful period, so I just kept quiet about it. My daughter chose not to have contact with her, until she feels she is ready because she feels betrayed. For the past 2 months the ex fiancee has been with the ex husband as platonic friends, going to places, etc etc. She tells everyone that is willing to listen that she can be friends to whomever she wishes and that he is actually not a bad person and that he was surprised about the allegations of robbing my daughter of her money! I'm getting calls from the in-laws for rejecting her since I dont contact her anymore and that this is putting my son and his wife under stress, because they feel that they are in the middle of the whole mess. Needless to say, I'm dumbstruck at how things turned out and that she is the victim. She's been telling half-truths, saying that everyone (especially her family) deserted her when she and my son broke up and that she had to move on and get her own circle of friends. Of course I dont have a problem with her moving on and making friends, it's a free world and I'm not her keeper. BUT why him and if so - could she not have waited, or at least befriended him secretely? In this way, the hurt that he has caused our family might have lessened and we might have been ok if he attended family functions with her (though I have to admit, it would have been akward!) My point and question is: I dont despise her, I have known her and her sister (son's wife) since high school. We entrusted her with confidential/sensitive/private info - should I not feel like our trust and family/friend loyalty has been violated? (In case you wonder - no, we do have lots of friends and we do not live in a small village). I am quick to forgive and have put it behind me, just need to know if this feeling of betrayal is understandable. My daughter on the other hand, said she will eventually forgive, but she does not want any contact with her (I think this is also due to other issues with her that have recently surfaced).
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broke up, debt, divorce, engaged, ex girlfriend, fiance, his ex, money, move on, period Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (1 February 2011):
First of all, good for your daughter for having the strength and courage to protect herself and get out of her abusive marriage.
But if she is divorcing her abusive husband, why does she care if he slept with her ex-almost-sis-in-law (did i get that right?)
And why do YOU feel as if your ex-almost-daughter-in-law was disloyal - disloyal to whom? To her ex-fiance (your son), whom she openly broke up with and thus owes no more loyalty to? To your daughter - who is divorcing her abusive husband anyway and thus he owes her no loyalty (nor does she owe him loyalty)?
I don't see why your other son and his wife feel under stress or that they are in the middle of the mess. Did they set the two of them up (ex-fiance and ex-abusive husband)? How does this in any way have anything to do with them? Maybe they should learn to mind their own business?
Sure there's gonna be indignation from your daughter and your other son since their ex's are hooking up.
But that's the point - they are EX's. They have the right to hook up with each other or with anyone else, because no one is married to anyone anymore.
Or is it the case that the ex-fiance is trying to make the abusive ex-husband seem like a "better guy" than he really is and this is making your daughter angry because it minimizes the pain she suffered in her marriage and makes her look "bad" for leaving him? If this is the case, I think the ex-fiance is out of line, because commenting on other people's marriage is none of her business.
Just curious, but during the 2 years that your daughter was married and had withdrawn into her shell and family/friends were trying to no avail to pull her out....did this include the ex-fiance? Did the ex-fiance share (at the time) everyone's concern for your daughter while she was still married? If so, has she (the ex-fiance) forgotten all that now?
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