A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok, this is going to be a long one but I really need as much advise as I can get. So, I was with this guy for over a year. In this year we got very serious. We lived together, had a boat, a dog, a quad. Our friends are even the same people. We moved very fast in the beginning but this was his wish not mine. After the first four months of our relationship he broke up with me. He was going through a lot during this time. Work is a big deal to him and his hours got cut back. He has a lot of toys so he needs to work full time. He also found out that he was in debt. Needless to say he was stressed. He has also told me many times that he has never been so close or loved someone so much and it scared him somewhat. When he broke up with me he blamed me for making him feel settled down and not letting him do what he wanted all of the time. After two weeks of him being an idiot and sleeping around and getting drunk he came back crying. During the break up he was mean and would tell our friends that he would never come back. I took him back and it was great for awhile. When we got back together I wanted to move slow but he wanted to move fast again. I caved and moved in with him. After awhile it went back to how it used to be. We would fight and he would want to spend more and more time apart. I admit that I should have let him do more things and should not have tried to control as much as I did, but he doesn't express his feelings well like any boy. He would just make plans with me then say he is leaving to go be with the boys. I saw it as him being a jerk and after the first break up I had trust issues with him because of him sleeping around with 3 different girls in that two week period. So one morning we got in a fight and he broke up with me. There were no signs of it coming. The night before we bought concert tickets for 4 months out! He told me that we might get back together but he needed time and space from me. He also said that he loved me so much and he will always care but he doesnt want a girlfriend right now. Oh and I forgot to mention that right before we broke up he got fired and was trying to go to Alaska for fishing to pay his bills, but I was not supportive. So we stayed in the same bed for the first two weeks of the break up. He kept saying that he would move rooms and we could still live together but he didnt for awhile. And the night before he moved the bed he woke me up at 3am to hold me and tell me that he misses me. The next day he moved rooms and told me that he doesnt remember the night before. While he was telling me that the door is not closed and we might work it out he was telling our friends different things. One day he would say he needed a break and another day he would say that we will never be back together. Now he never comes home and is out getting drunk every night. He is going out of his way to be mean to me. He is yelling at me for now reason and acting like he doesnt care about me. He is pulling power trips and will admit it. He even stole my girly comforter that he bought me for Christmas to sleep with. He even woke me up at 5 am on sunday when he got home to make me come unlock the door when he had keys in his hand!And he took our boat out without me and dumb drunk girls that he knows I hate. It hurt me and when he saw me cry and I told him to leave me alone then all of a sudden he was sorry and wanted to hug and talk about everything. I just walked out and he has been mean ever since. Now it has been three weeks since we broke up and yesterday he randomly text me that we will never work out and to stop being a baby and get over him. I am just so confused! I do not get what he wants. Is it really over this time? Is he just playing games? Is he just upset about work? Is he as confused as me? Why is he so mean? I do not know if I should move out or stay? Im scared if I move out I will be ending everything with him. Please Help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys. I want all of you to know that I am not resisting what you are saying. I am just trying to make it all fit together in my head which I know is almost impossible task now. The perfect image of our lives together faded in a matter of moments. But I do have good news to share with everyone. After a month of him telling me there is no way that he will ever move, yesterday he said that he is moving out next month. I am not sure if it is just to get a rise out of me because he was asking me if our room mates friend that I do not speak with would want his room. It would make sense to ask our room mates? But either way I do think that he is moving next month. So that is one less thing for me to deal with.
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female
reader, medha  +, writes (23 May 2010):
 OMG!!!!!!!You have put up with his grossly insensitive and possibly deranged act for so damn long that you are now rationalizing it, and thinking that he is all good, the fault must be in you!Apart from messing up your head, self-esteem and what not... you are also accumulating unnecessary baggage, and that new guy (if you ever see enough sense to send this jerk packing) that will materialize and be hopeful to gain your love will have to sort out for you!!!!! Run, you silly girl, run! Run for you life and your sanity!!!! (trust me, if your next update isn't that you have sorted this situation out and that you are moving on with life, minus this loser, then I am personally going to yell at you here. Even after all the good advices given to you here, you fail to see reason, then I would just suppose that you really truly do want to be miserable, and posting any more helpful suggestions to you would be, as Q says, an exercise in futility! But don't worry love... that is for the next time, and that too IF you're still trying to rationalize the actions of this loser!)We do care, and this time the care comes wrapped in harsh words because maybe that will get through to you!Mean while, (((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))) and love!
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 May 2010):
 You wouldn't bother trying to analyze why a four year old throws a tantrum, would you? You wouldn't blame his tantrum on your over-controlling or your insecurities or yourself at all. He's a four year old, he's not developed or matured enough to waste time psychoanalyzing.
I am drawing a parallel here. Guess who the immature, selfish, crybaby four year old is. Uh-huh, that's right.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2010): You need to get this guy out of your life! He's no good for you. He's obviously immature (and possibly mentally ill) and doesn't want to commit to a serious relationship. He'll just end up hurting you again and again.
And by all means, move out as soon as possible! Stay with family or friends if you have to. Just get away from this jerk!
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 May 2010):
 It means he is being rude and childish and he has a chip on his shoulder- so ,what's new ?
Careful, girl- You are still way too hung on his every single gesture or look.
There's no need for all this scrutiny, things are simple
-he dumped you
- he does not show indications of wanting you back
- he might perhaps change his mind in future....but that would not be a good thing for you. It would be bad.
Please stop worrying about him and start worrying about yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNow I would like to know what this means.... We got invited to a friends birthday at a bar and we both said yes. He showed up with a group and said hi to everyone but me. He just stuck his tougne out at me. I felt his eyes on me all not but didnt pay attention to him. He left and didnt say goodbye. And since we live together he came home early even though I know his friends are having parties What does that mean?
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (23 May 2010):
It happens, dear OP. It happens all the time even to much saner people than your ex. People falls in love,- people falls out of love. They say " I love you, I'll marry you " then they change their mind. This is not strange, again :it happens to mentally healthier people than this guy.
The point is not this ,though- not at all.
The point is - you could not marry someone like him anyway. It would have been a nightmare for you and the fact he has dumped you is a blessing in disguise. The sooner you come to see that, the better.
Will he come back to reality once he gets a new job ? Honey ,this IS his reality- changing jobs, changing moods, changing girls,changing opinions. He does whatever feels good in that very moment- I would not bet much on the duration of his new job.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah that makes sense. I do feel really OCD actually. I have actually read what all of you have to say about 10 times each just to see if there is something that I am missing. I am just so confused. Last time I talked to him he told me to stop being a baby and get over him. How do you say that to someone that you supposedly loved and wanted to marry? He is either pretending now or he was pretending then or this is his personality and he actually did feel that way before and he actually does feel this way now? I just keep feeling like there is a piece of the puzzle missing? I have also noticed that his attitude revolves around his work. He starts a job in a few weeks, think he will come back to reality?
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (22 May 2010):
If you want to go to Vietnam, go to Vietnam. If you want give some time to introspection and reflection,do it.
But as for evaluating the situation, I fail to see what exactly you need to evaluate....
You just spent a horrible year with a guy who drove you nuts. He has treated you badly,stolen from you, complicated your ( and your aunt's !) life,and now he is trying to put a wedge between you and your friends.
The choice is rather simple. If you want to be miserable again, keep gravitating around him and his court of buffoons. If you want to heal and feel better, remove yourself physically and psychologically from his proximity.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo you guys are saying that I need to get away from the situation and then evaluate it? I am actually trying to go to Vietnam next month to go help in an orphanage for two weeks over there. I think that this might be some good thinking time for me.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (21 May 2010):
Thanks for the vote of confidence ,Q1605 :)I am a pragmatist. I can understand that right now the OP is all caught up in the "whys "- Why does he do this and say that. But the whys are seldom very important. If I am strolling in downtown Dallas and I run into Q1605 and he starts punching me furiously, I might think that he has a problem with anger management, or that I remind him of a negative parental figure, or perhaps that he is an American citizen showing his displeasure with Italian governement's position about war in Iraq. But I'd leave any investigation for later. First thing would be finding a way to stop getting hurt.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah it was an emotional rollercoaster that gets exhausting. He always wanted what I did not want. If I didnt want to get serious he did. Once I got serious he would tell me he feels settled down. It seemed too good to be true in the beginning but that faded away. He is rarely remorseful for his actions. Someone just said to me that if you are worried that you might be crazy then you probably arent. This makes sense.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to thank all of you for all of the help and advise. I know that I might sound like I am resisting what you have to say but I'm really not. It is just alot to take in. But I am starting to realize that yes, while I have my own share of problems (I should worry less, I should be less controlling, I should be more trusting), I am willing to work on these issues. And I know that whether I am with him or not I need to fix these things about me. The problem is that he has a whole set of his own issues and people have been telling him for years but he doesnt want to admit it. So even if I changed all of the issues that I have our relationship still would not have worked because he is not willing to handle his problems like a big kid. He just runs away and hides and gets drunk all day every day. I feel a little less crazy knowing that this would have been the outcome even if I did everything right in the relationship. Now I just have to work on me......
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (21 May 2010):
I agree too with boo22- suppose that he really he is borderline, or narcissistic. Or he's having a manic episode. Or he just has a very bad attituse... basically,who cares ? That 's a problem for his shrink or counselor.
Your problem is- how do you disentangle yourself from this painful,humiliating situation . Do you really have to live there ? Can't you sublet your share of the house ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBoo22,
I think that you are right. I do need to figure out why I am so concerned with him. I guess the thing that keeps going through my head is, "am I the crazy one or is he?" I would like to say that it is him but he has done a great job at convincing me that I am the one who is crazy and I did this to him and drove him to act this way. He has also convinced me that why he is out partying and drinking every night of the week is because this is what he has always wanted to do but I made him feel too settled down. So I go back and forth in my head on who was in the wrong here!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, that sounds like him to the T. We actually just got the boat taken from us because it was in my aunt's name and she was basically giving it to me to take over and I was calling it "ours". When we broke up he thought it should be his. He took it out without me and did a lot of stupid things. Including taking out a girl that I have always hated, being too drunk to drive it, having too many people on it, and letting our friend who isnt allowed to drive drive it. Our friend ended up getting a DUI. Needless to say my aunt wanted it back because she doesnt want people that she doesnt know getting DUIs on her boat. He said that the boat wasnt leaving unless I gave him money for it. Which why should I have to give him anything when it was being taken from me too? Anyways I did give him money and the next day he turned around and got a dirt bike! He is laid off people and could have used that money! Anyways after he bought the bike he laughed at me and told everyone that I gave him money when I didnt have to and he got a dirt bike out of the deal! So to sum it up, yes, he is very proud of his ability to get his way!
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 May 2010):
Hey, I think I just answered your other question: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-my-ex-going-out-of-his.html
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reader, boo22  +, writes (21 May 2010):
 Let's say that someone on this site gets him all figured out and you receive the most incredible insight . Then what? You cannot change his behaviour towards you so unless you change yourself this dreadful destructive cycle will just limp along till he finally dumps you and means it. You haven't said one positive thing about this guy that you're obviously torturing yourself over. You will not be able to fix him and be his saviour. You need to look at why you don't think enough of yourself to get rid of him and get with someone who treats you like gold. You should be happy with your guy and you're not.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt is actually very funny that you mention the thing about it being in the family. My mom is finally going to see a therapist that she doesnt think that she needs because we all think that we has issues. She is very generous with money (she owns a law firm) but very selfish with emotions. No one can feel anything if she is having a bad day. Also, I have read some stuff from that link and realize that he is not remorseful at all. When he slept with all those girls he told me to just get over it. When we get in a fight he only apologizes if he thinks that I might leave him. I do love him very much and know that I have many issues of my own and that I am somewhat of a controlling person. I really need to work on that, but now after thinking back to our whole relationship I do not feel like the crazy one anymore. I feel like I was on a rollercoaster this whole time. If I didnt want to get so serious he did. The second I would give into his seriousness he would pull back. Now how do I deal with the situation that I am in right now? For now we still live together and have the same friends. I still have to see him and dont know how to act.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 May 2010):
There was an interesting comment in that link about how someone is trained to be with a narcissist, usually by another narcissist. Perhaps that why the families love each other?
That's a peculiar thing to happen to a boy in childhood, to be sent away by his mother and to go live with his father, I assume without his siblings? He must throw some spectacular tantrums to get such special treatment. Punching a truck? Really?
Oh, I think if you play your cards right you are about to have a lucky escape and don't realize it yet.
If you were my friend or relative, I would be encouraging you to separate from this guy for the time being and not allow yourself to get sucked back into whatever drama it is that he's playing out. This really isn't about you, I think Q has it right, he's doing the tantrum bit right now because you are not playing along with his agenda.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2010): Sweetheart please listen to Q.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you. I will look at the link. Do you know why I would be the only girl that he has done this too? He has never gone back to a girl before or gotten so serious with one before. Do I just get the taste of this because I am the closest to him? I guess I just dont get if he will want to work it out or if he is really done this time? He wont answer any of my questions he just doesnt respond or walk out. I have been staying with a friend for the last few days and havent talked to him ever since he told me to grow up and get over him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy other question is what do I do now? I am not sure how to act at home. Do I act mean? Sad? Happy? Ignore him? I am not sure!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha,
He is not an only child or the youngest. He actually has 5 siblings, but he is the only boy and greats treated special. His family lets him do whatever he wants to. He does live in a world that he thinks he owes. He has anger issues too. His mom sent him away to live with his dad at 14 because of his issues. She said that he could move back if he went to counseling but he wouldnt. His dad did calm him down but I have seen him punch his truck ect.... I have always thought that this is normal boy behavior?
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 May 2010):
Google "borderline personality disorder." I don't know enough about it to know if that's his problem, but from what I've heard, it could well be.
He sounds like a guy who is used to getting what he wants and becomes petulant and angry and mean when he can't get it. Kind of a really big 2 year old, only with a job and a driver's license.
Is he an only child? Or the youngest? Have his parents bailed him out of trouble since he was a kid?
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (20 May 2010):
I think that he acts this way simply because this is his personality, his character. From what you said in your post, he is impulsive, fickle, and all about instant gratification. ( The boat, the quad, the "toys " he gets without even being sure he'll be able to keep up financially ). He is very hedonistic and pleasure seeking ( the drink, the girls ) and gets annoyed with everything interfes with him getting his thrills. That's why he resented you for making him feel settled.
He got you living with him in no time. only to get tired after only 4 months. Etc.etc.
All in all, the way you describe him he is a guy who lives very much in the moment and pursuing immediate personal gratification, and he hates anything hindering him from doing just that.
Obviously you have also seen nicer, kinder sides of him- and anyway you are in love and you would see him in a better light even if he were Ted Bundy. But ,it sounds like he has a mean streak, and now he's letting it come out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your opinion but im really just trying to get some insight on why hes being like this or how he can feel this way one day?
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reader, brklynsis81 +, writes (20 May 2010):
 Will you listen to yourself! If you stay with him - you two deserve each other. A relationship with this much indecision and drama is destined to fail!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know that I sound ridiculous, but when we are good we are great. Our friends are the same. Our families love each other. I still talk to his dad almost everyday. I just don't know if he is really done with me or if this is just another phase? What do you think? Our friends just tell me to be patient and give him time and space, but it's been three weeks! Also, is he acting mean because he is trying to push me away from him so that we can both move on? Or is he being mean because it makes everything easier for him to deal with?
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (19 May 2010):
It's him. He is an adult ( even if an immature one ). Adults are fully responsible for their words ,thoughts,and actions. You dont' "make " them act in any particular way if it goes against their choices and inclinations ( unless you were pointing a gun at him ).
You say you are scared that if you move out you will be ending everything with him.
I'll quote just a few of the words that you have used in describing the situation. " Mean " "Drunk " "3 girls in 2 weeks "."He stole " "Debts" "Yelling". "Power trips".
Take a deep breath and read those words ten times.
Now: are you still so very scared about moving out ?....
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat is what I am really struggling with. I am not sure if it is me or if it is him. I cant tell if I pushed him away so much to make him act like this or if he is just going through a mood. How can he be so mean now and act like I mean nothing to him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat is really what I am struggling with. I know that I should not want to work things out with him, but I just do not understand why he is acting like this? I can not tell if it is really me or if it is him. Im so confused.
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reader, brklynsis81 +, writes (19 May 2010):
I hate to quote Dr. Phil, but here goes. "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior." Do you want to be in a relationship with someone that is so tumultuous? Do you want to go through this vicious cycle of break-ups for another year? If not, cut your losses and move out. You are still young - ending everything with him is not such a thing to fear. You deserve a stable relationship, not on-again off-again drama.
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