A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Ive been in a very intense relationship for 4 months. Recently my bf started pulling away. We've had very sporadic contact for the last 4 weeks and haven't seen each other at all. He didn't tell me what was going on until this past Monday. He said I am smothering him and he needs some time. I didn't even realize I was doing this but NOW I do! I'm embarrassed and ashamed by my behavior. It's been so long since I've been in a relationship, I'm divorced after 20+ years, that I overdid things.We haven't had contact with each other since he told me on Monday and I told him that I would work on not smothering him. He has not said specifically that we are broken up but he's making no effort to contact me.What do I do now? Should tell him that I realize now that he is right? Can this relationship be saved? I want a second chance!!
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female
reader, R1  +, writes (16 September 2013):
 Maybe you should stop blaming yourself for everything in this 'relationship' and face the fact that maybe this time it actually isn't you, it's him!!
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female
reader, :)31215 +, writes (16 September 2013):
 It's only been one day, and as you said yourself, he doesn't have internet access and is busy!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 September 2013):
 he sent it to keep you dangling.... and hope when he gets horny you will spread your arms and legs and welcome him back.
I'd for sure tell him point blank the first time he wants to see you that you are starting from scratch and therefore there will be NO SEXUAL contact until such a time as you are sure that you guys are going to survive. EVEN IF YOU WANT IT AND ARE OK WITH IT.... you should gauge if he's in it just to keep his winky wet... and if he is (and it may be that he is) then it's better to know sooner rather than later.
I'm sorry but I don't hold out much hope for your relationship. He says you are smothering and did it in such a way as to end the relationship.
IF i went two weeks with no contact from a man who "wanted a break" I would assume it was over and done and move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHelp! I'm getting impatient. I haven't heard from him again and my thoughts and emotions are getting the best of me. I know he is busy and working and doesn't have good wifi access so I shouldn't worry.
I'm trying to stay busy but he pops back in my head. I've actually convinced myself that he sent the email to the wrong woman because it was so nonchalant. Why would he just send an email like nothing happened??
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Ladies! I did respond to his email late this morning and basically mimicked his. I didn't ask any questions. I am going to wait for him to initiate for a while. He is working and traveling so I know he's busy. I realize what I've done wrong in the past so I am going to continue to work on it. I'm going to relax and just let whatever happens happen. :-)Any more advice would be greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, :)31215 +, writes (15 September 2013):
Yes, I agree with peachcobbler! :)
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female
reader, PeachCobbler03 +, writes (15 September 2013):
 This is good news. So, how to proceed. Go ahead and answer his email, however, now might not be a good time to get into any heavy discussions about the status of your relationship.(unless he initiates that type of discussion.) If I remember correctly, you mentioned that he was under an extreme amount of stress and traveling. So, keep it light, for the time being.When he comes back home, then you and your boyfriend can discuss things. You mentioned apologizing for your smothering, which is good, but I also think that he needs to be clear on what type of behavior he considers "smothering". One man's "Honey, you're smothering me" can be another man's "My girlfriend is SO awesome." So, once he let's you know what smothering means to him, then you can make the necessary corrections.If you and your boyfriend have the chance to sit down and talk about this, remember YOU have needs, as well. You both have to get real clear on your expectations of each other. And once again (I know you're getting sick of hearing this, but you can't punch me through the computer, so I'm going to say it anyway!) have your own life, interests and hobbies. Not only is independence healthy for your relationship, but most importantly, it's healthy for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've appreciated everyone's advice. Just when I've gotten used to the fact that he needed space, I get an email from him out of the blue. I didnt initiate it. The email reads like nothing happened and he's checking in with me. I'm not planning on responding tonight but wondered how I should proceed??
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe one and only time he said I was smothering him was this past Monday. I'm not obsessing over him. This has all thrown me for a loop and I didn't know he felt this way. I have no problem taking care of myself and I've come to this forum for advice since it has been so long being in a situation like this.
It not very easy to flip a switch and turn off ones emotions when they don't really understand what's happening in the first place.
We were in a committed relationship. I'm not wanting to see anyone else at this time. I'm fine giving him his space to sort out his issues
He had alot going on in his life right now. But why not just end the relationship all together and allow me to move on?
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female
reader, PeachCobbler03 +, writes (14 September 2013):
You need to shift your focus. Your goal will be to focus on you and getting on with your life without him. If he resurfaces, great, and if he doesn't, so what? No man is the be all/end all of your existence.It's not a matter of you "waiting" for him, this is about what seems to be your obsession with him. In order to not obsess, you place your focus on something else, mainly you and YOUR happiness.There is nothing unfair about this situation, it is what it is. We don't always get what or who we want. The quicker you accept that this issue is beyond your control, the better you will feel."NEVER did he express too me that he felt smothered." Yes he did. This is what you said in your initial letter. "He said I am smothering him and he needs some time."Then you go on to say this. "If he had I would've back way off. If he had told me there was a problem I would've fixed it." Okay, so back off and let him come to you...if he chooses to come to you. You "fix it" by letting him be, and concentrating on you and your own life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think this situation is completely unfair. NEVER did he express too me that he felt smothered. If he had I would've back way off. If he had told me there was a problem I would've fixed it.
I'm scared I've pushed and now he won't come back. I wish he had just told me how he felt.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk I am NOT going to contact him. But how long do I wait in this situation? If I've been patient and given him space, let's say three weeks, should I make move or continue to wait?
Is this relationship salvageable?
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female
reader, :)31215 +, writes (14 September 2013):
No, do not contact him!
Just give him the space he needs, as other posters have suggested, and enjoy spending some me time!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2013): He needs space now so give him that space and leave it up to him to decide when and if he wants to see you again. Otherwise, contacting him to promise you won't smother him anymore, IS going to be yet one more instance of smothering.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@R1..I would like to hope that it is not over. He is under and extreme amount of stress at the moment and is traveling. We did have a small argument before all of this so it wasn't like I'm not to blame for pushing him even further. I have specifically asked him if we have broken up and he has asked for time. I gave him an "out". He didn't take it. Should I send a note telling him I now realize he is right and I've seen the error of my ways?
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female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (14 September 2013):
 Wait until he contacts you. I know dating is supposed to be a game, but if you were being your usual loving self in the relationship, and he could not handle it, it just means he's not the right man for you. I mean think about it...Can you handle walking on eggshells during the entire relationship, worrying whether your next action will scare him away? That's no way to be in a relationship. You'll be stressed out most of the time, because you know that you're changing who you are to please him. The right man will appreciate you, and all that super love that you have to give. Give this guy some time. If he really likes you he'll contact you again. When he does, then have a heart to heart with him about what exactly he finds smothering. If you think that it's something you can't change about yourself then let him go. You are worth more than that.
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female
reader, R1 +, writes (14 September 2013):
Sounds pretty much like its over. I suppose you have learnt something from this which you can take to your next dating experience
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female
reader, PeachCobbler03 +, writes (14 September 2013):
You should give him some space for the time being. In the interim focus on you. Do you have any hobbies, friends, etc.? If so, focus on those things to keep your mind off of him. You really don't need to tell him that he was right, just step back for a bit, and have fun. Let him come to you. If/when he resumes contact, keep things light and friendly.
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