A
female
age
41-50,
*enieMil
writes:Hi. I have been involved with my boyfriend for 13 years now and we have one child. He has been divorced for the past 14 years. The problem is his ex wife. My boyfriend has refused to marry me in the past citing his family doesn't like me. After his divorce I got pregnant immediately and felt on the defensive with his family who did not like me. As a result we got off on the wrong foot and that has remained over the years. Well this past week his brother's daughter got married inviting my boyfriend and his ex wife to the wedding. My boyfriend said I could not attend as I was not wanted there as I burned my bridges with his family. Instead his ex was there with their daughter and was sitting at the next table from him. I got upset and feel that if I could not attend then he should not have attended the reception and left after the church wedding. He says I am being immature and selfish. Am I? I cannot help but feel left out and upset that this woman is there and his cuurrent love is home alone. This is not the first time this has happened where she has been invited to his family's events and I have not.
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divorce, ex-wife, his ex, immature, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2011): Your bf delibrately keeps u away from his family. Why? Bec he wants to keep the peace.
I also think u quickly got pregnant to ensure that he stayed with u.
When u say u were always 'defensiVe' it basically means that u were ultra sensitive to them and u would 'crack' at every comment.
His ex and kid sat at a different table. So thats no problem.
Yes it is awkward that he was only invited but it was their wedding nd they can invite whomeveer they want. It doesnt make it right but that is the way life is.
Your your kid and his other daughter get along?
You all need to make amends and it will be a very long road to reconciliation.
LoveGirl
A
female
reader, GenieMil +, writes (7 September 2011):
GenieMil is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone who responded. For years I have been told to leave this person and have not. I know his family does not like me, but I think he exaggerates the conflict to draw the line so to speak between them and me. There is really not much to the conflict. Years ago when we met he had just gone through a divorce. I was the first relationship after the divorce. The ex wife was well liked by the family and it was difficult to compete with that. I was also several years younger than them as my bf is 13 years older. Well to make a long story short, I was on the defensive a lot. Throughout the years come to realize why my bfs wife left due to his alcoholism. He is functional though. Holds a job and takes care of his kids and I do love him, but would probably not marry him anymore anyways.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2011): I gotta admit, I do not feel you are telling us everything.To be outcasted from the family for thirteen years, you must burned down the Golden Gate bridge or something. What exactly happened?Usually in those situations it's best to be "the better man". Even if it sucks and it hurts, try to win over his family.I really can't understand a family hating their relative's partner for so long unless something major went down. And you (as well as them) are probably continuing some kind of behavior that causes strife.Everybody needs to start acting like adults.(Tell that to your "boyfriend" as well. He is acting like a boy, not a man. I can not believe he would have a child and stay with you for 13 years without marriage. What disrespect. Slap him.)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): You are being treated like a punching bag! This sounds like emotional abuse. You deserve better than this. You also need to work out the reasons why you would tolerate this for so long.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (5 September 2011):
 Hi,
I just want to tell you that you have all the right to feel angry and jealous. But, reality is that his family don't accept you, and if after 13 years they haven't change, I don't think they ever will. This is unfair and very sad because it's not your fault. I am sure you haven't done anything to his family to deserve this, but sometimes life is unfair and you just have to accept. You knew from the beginning, before you had your child that they didn't accept you, so there's no one to blame. I guess you thought that they will eventually change, but since it didn't happen, you have to learn to accept their decision and learn how to control your emotions. Otherwise, you will end up fighting with your boyfriend, make your relationship weaker. Family issues are very complicate to deal with. I know you wish your boyfriend could support you more, but it's not easy for him. Rather they are right or wrong, it's his family.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 September 2011):
 Apparently your bf's family is very disrespectful toward you, no doubt about that... yet sorry but I can't help feeling there's more to the story. You mention wrong foot and burned bridges : HOW wrong was the foot ? HOW burned the bridges ?...
Has there ever been some violent / abusive confrontation ? Public insults, yelling and name calling, pushing and shoving ? ...Anything slightly JerrySpringerish ?
In this case, you should not be surprised ; extreme situations call for extreme remedies . Even family draws the line somewhere and if they feel that this line has been crossed .... Not making you the bad guy, maybe it was all their fault, maybe they are an incredible bunch of d...heads. But even d...heads have the right to select who they want to admit within their circle, and perhaps they feel that your relationship is so irreparably damaged that you cannot be admitted back , no matter what's the
occasion.
Of course 13 years is a long time for holding a grudge, but some people are like that and your bf has no fault in this. Try,if you can, not to put him between a rock and a hard place as he would be if required to side up with you vs. his brother and niece , or viceversa.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (5 September 2011):
 I am sorry for the double up of answers, but this is not tollerable, your daughter is being treated as second class, how must she feel knowing her half sister is accepted into the family while she and her mother are not.
She needs positive influences in her life and to feel valued and wanted, dont wait for the next family occassion, tell him to leave now!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (5 September 2011):
whut? Unbelievable!
13 years and a child together and says you are being unreasonable?
I wouldnt be hanging around to be treated like that. Sort your finances and change the locks next time he goes to a family do without you and his child and dont let him back in. Everybody deserves better than that!
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