A
female
age
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*londie1961
writes:It's New Years Day. My mother is in hospital after suffering a massive stroke three weeks ago. I have had little/no support from my partner since this happened to my mother. I phone him, I talk, repeating the details of my day, he listens and then the phone call ends. No words of support. I have not seen him at all over the festive season. I am at the hospital a lot and he has been spending all of his days off with his own mother. Last night, new years eve, he spent all evening with his mother and they were both speaking to his brother and sister in law in America on Skye with a video link. I phoned him at 10pm (thinking she would be gone) and got brushed off because she was still there. I phoned him this morning. We ended up arguing as he said I should not have phoned him last night. He shouted at me "you live your life in darkness and you want to pull me into the darkness with you, well you just forget that. I am going to spend all of today with my Mum. Spending time with my Mum is not unreasonable and you are being unreasonable."Am I being unreasonable? I have not seen him since December 17th.
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reader, blondie1961 +, writes (5 January 2011):
blondie1961 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks, once again, for all your help.
He has phoned me and we have arranged for him to return what's in house to me (My bike, hairdryer, clothes etc)on Friday of this week.
On the phone call he appeared to see that his behaviour was bad but that only lasted until his mother's name came up in the conversation.
He did phone again, today, but he gets very angry with me in a heartbeat. I feel anything I attempt to say is met with an "ambush" so I guess this time it's definitely over.
When I get my stuff back on Friday I think I will feel better because right now he has my bike.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (3 January 2011):
 To be honest, you will be better off doing things alone. If your mum doesn't pull through, then the person you should make your top priority is you...and definitely NOT him. You will have enough to do without considering him...so don't.
I hope your mum is going to be ok, just focus on her for the time being.
xx
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A
female
reader, blondie1961 +, writes (3 January 2011):
blondie1961 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, again for your replies to me.
I really feel better after reading them. At the moment I am being positive about my future, even with mum being very ill in hospital and no idea really if she is going to pull through.
If my mum does not pull through and the doctors say that is likely, what do I do about him? Do I phone him and tell him? Or do I go ahead with the final stuff I have to do for my mum alone?
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (3 January 2011):
 hi
you are doing all the chasing in this relationship aren't you. and he knows that you will. he is putting nothing in. a partner who neglects you especially over the Christmas and new year period is not really into you, sorry. i think he knows that you are lonely without him and he is using that to his advantage. i never try to advocate any one dumping anyone else, particularly coz we don't know his side of the story but from what you say, this man is making you so miserable that i cannot see you would feel worse with him out of your life. with him gone you are free to one day meet someone who will want to ring you, want to see you and want to be there for you when you need them. i suggest you make a list of all his good points and all his bad. by getting something down on paper i find it can make it more clear in your mind. use this to help decide if you really actually want him now. if you leave him, keep this list and read it to yourself at times in the future if you feel lonely and feel you might have done the wrong thing in getting rid of him. from what you say it sounds as if you are only using him rather than be on your own, maybe he can tell too. give yourself good things to look forward to in the future and make sure you spend time with people who care about you, they will help you get through the early bit, the pain you will feel will get a bit less daily, but if you stay with him i don't think the pain will end
xx
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (2 January 2011):
I know being lonely is a real killer, but you can tolerate some lonely times in your life as long as you stay positive about the future.
Telling yourself that you won't ever meet anyone else and you are doomed to a life of solitude is like feeding your brain with a constantly running barrage of negativity...and there isn't one person on the earth that can tell the future (not even Mystic Meg)so how do you know whats going to happen for sure?
As I have explained, I myself have been through a very rough time with a former ex. When we split, meeting someone else was the very last thing on my mind... I felt sick and drained and depressed. I must have bored my poor best friend to death going over and over what had happened and turfing it all up never made one bit of difference.
Nine months on I am a much stronger person...I am also in much better shape both physically and emotionally and I am considering dating other men sometime this year (if a decent man comes my way)
Despite what you have said, it's very nice of your BF to say he enjoys cycling with you, but the important stuff, like getting the family dynamic right and putting you first (or at least keeping you in the loop)just doesn't seem to be there. You cannot cut away his whole family just so you can have the best of him. The guy has issues, it seems and he needs to sort that out before he brings a woman into his life...you shouldn't have to put up with all his crap.
Please don't feel sad, I am sure you have enough to cope with as your mum is ill. Use this time to do what is best and least unsettling for you.
Better times are ahead xx
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A
female
reader, blondie1961 +, writes (2 January 2011):
blondie1961 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for talking to me frankly.
I am afraid of being alone, of never finding someone else. I am very afraid of the whole process of finding someone new.
To be fair to myself I can't actually say I love this man. I did love him once but that love has been eaten away.
When we are left alone by other people (his mother, his daughter, his ex wife, his ex lover, his brother and sister-in-law) we are okay. It's as soon as one of these people enter his life he changes and I go right down to the bottom of his priority list. Because of this I do get defensive with him as I can feel it happening before it happens. I see no innocent behaviour in any of these people when all that he can see of their behaviour is innocence.
We are both outdoor people. He said to me that a weekend of cycling with me means so much more to him than threesome sex and I believed him. He said when we are out on our bikes that's real and all that other stuff was not real and, again, I believed him.
I have not phoned him today and it's now 8.30 pm and I am going to watch some telly. But I am lonley and I wish I knew how to handle that.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (2 January 2011):
The whole on and off thing is probably a good indicator that things are probably not going to last in the long run. I read some of your previous posts about your partner having a shady sex life in his past and you seem to have not accepted that so it's another thing to make the relationship fail.
On this site you read a lot of posts from people who are in relationships that they are not happy with because they are taking some kind of abuse or trying to cling on to someone who isn't suitable for them to stave off being alone or going through the effort of finding someone new. They know the relationship is all wrong, there are things they tolerate or endlessly moan and worry over because they can't face the fact that really they should walk away.
It always makes me shudder when people say 'Oh but I love him', like loving someone is a justified reason for taking their crap and letting them treat you badly...in the cold light of day it just isn't worth all the heartache.
You have issues with this guy over his sex life, maybe that has made you treat him in a defensive way. What started out as a sexy fun and exciting relationship has now turned to annoyance and suspicion, accusation and fear. Guys can't do the guilt thing...it doesn't work for them. They also have a very short attention span for intricate psychological manipulation and tactics.
Basically you can never second guess a man...and despite all the therapy, he will never change.
If there was stuff about him you couldn't tolerate at the start (and I am talking about the BIG stuff like treating you disrespectfully)then there will ALWAYS be that stuff to cope with throughout the relationship.
Looking at your actions over Christmas, basically you have made yourself a martyr to him. It is YOU that has done all the calling, it is YOU that has taken the blame, it is YOU who is apologising!!!...apologising for what???...him treating you like crap???
And you say you vow to never make him angry again??? Are you serious??? Are you really enjoying this?? Do you deserve it???
Ok so you may have acted weirdly towards him about his sexual past...but really lady...THAT was the time you should have dumped his stupid kinky arse!! You made the cardinal sin of thinking you could change him!!! PEOPLE NEVER CHANGE!!!!(not unless they change because they are going to die or something)
The way he has behaved over Christmas and with your mother being so ill and all, well it is despicable and disrespectful. He is treating you like some nobody he just met...NOT a girlfriend. If he was loving you, he would be supportive and understanding that you are going through such a worrying time!!
I am not judging you, not one little bit. I speak from experience from trying to make a two year relationship work with someone who was a serial cheat behind my back. For some sick and twisted reason I still love him, but I haven't spoken to him for 9 months (apart from telling him to f**k off when he sent me a love filled Christmas card, even though he is in a relationship with someone else!!!)His behaviour was abstract, confusing and destroying...so I did the best thing for me and dumped him. I may be alone,but at least I can live my life without suspicion, fear and that sick feeling in my stomach every time he was up to something!!
The bottom line is that you are in a dysfunctional relationship with someone who doesn't care enough about you to put you first.
It's a slap in the face from the reality fairy!!! OUCH!!
You seriously need to dump him...and if he totally changes and comes back on his knees begging for forgiveness then you can consider starting again.If he doesn't come crawling back a changed man, then just keep on walking!...
You never know who might be around the next bend.
Good luck xxx
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A
female
reader, blondie1961 +, writes (1 January 2011):
blondie1961 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBeen dating on and off for two years. We do not live together, we live a one hour drive away from each other. Yes, he is angry with me and I'm not sure why. His 25 year old daughter (who lives 500 miles away) was the cause of his previous relationship breaking up. I think but I am not sure that because it's christmastime his daughter has been on the phone to him more than usual and I feel it's her invisible hand at work. We have spoken on the phone many times over the past 3 weeks but he has never phoned me, I always phone him. I know I should not phone him, that I should be patient and wait to see if he phones me. I know that if I phone him he will answer, his tone in his voice will be bad and everything will get twisted and I will end up apologising and, as has happened many times in this relationship, I will vow never to get cross with him again. All this makes me feel small and miserable but this time with my mother in hospital I can't afford to feel that bad about myself.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (1 January 2011):
How long have you been dating this man? Do you live together? He seems as if he is angry at you for something to behave like this. Has he phoned you or asked to see you in the last 3 weeks?
Something doesnt seem right?
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