A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:He says that he doesn't see a serious relationship with me because, I'm not part of his culture and that when it comes to building a family, the way he children will look, they language they speak and the culture is very important to him, THUS he says the only type of relationship he wants is a sexual one right now. So far we have only engaged in sexual relations twice (I knew him for about one year before he did anything AND he was my previous college professor) and while I'm not looking for a committed relationship at this moment in time because, of my past experiences, I am OPEN to the possibilites. Also, I don't feel comfortable knowing that this man (who is in his late 40's and he is Ukrainian) only sees me as someone to pleasure his body and nothing more. Yeah, he has told me I'm a great woman, that I am beautiful, that I am sex, that I am a great lover that I am such a nice person, BUT even with me being all those things, I'm still seen as nothing more than a sex object to him, even though he doesn't see it that way. He thinks that just because, he is being honest with me in the very beginning that I shouldn't look at him as a jerk or be hurt---but does being upfront really change the fact that in the scheme of things, he is no different than any of the other guys I have either dated or been in relationships with: like them, he too ONLY wants sex from me it's just that while he is being open with his intentions, the previous guys were not...and it's this thinking that I'm disappointed with. Ok, fine, he doesn't want to build a serious relationship with me because, I look different, because, I'm not part of his race of culture, then why doesn't he limit his flirting and sexual relationships with women who are Ukrainian ONLY? To me that would make more sense considering, that either one of us could start gaining feelings for the other at any given time. I will admit, long before we had sex, when I noticed him flirting with me, I did want him to ask me out, but now I know it's out of the question. I enjoy his company, the touching, the kissing, the conversations we have in person and over the phone.....but I'm not ok with him seeing me as nothing more than sex partner---why can't he just have an open mind and be open to the possibilites that it's possible to find true lasting love outside his culture? The way I see it, if I'm good enough to have sex with, I should be good enough to at least be considered a marriage partner.....honestly, I'm thinking about telling this guy that I no longer want to have sex with him.....if being with a Ukrainian women is that important to him, then that is who he should be pursuing a relationship with---even a sexual one. What do you guys and gals think? With the way things are on the dating front today, why does culture and race have to be a determining factor for love?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2012): Ive been in the exact same situation, he was one religion and I follow a different religion, and when we met though we enjoyed each others company.He didn't want a relationship due to our cultural differences. We ended up ending things after 4 months for that reason. He still kept speaking to me all the time and he ended up telling me 'he loves me but he could never be with me' - I moved on and that's when he realized he loves me too much to not be with me, we put our differences aside and we've been together for one and a half years :)Maybe you should try it, distance yourself from him and if it's meant to be he'll come running backAlso check out my question http://www.dearcupid.org/question/boyfriend-is-loosing-interest-and-im-worried-our46.html
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (11 September 2012):
What should you do? Thank him for being honest and move on perhaps....
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A
female
reader, XxImThatGirlxX +, writes (11 September 2012):
im gonna call BS on his statment that he doesnt want a serious relationship becuase of "cultural differences" and how "important" it is to him. he just wants to get into your pants and by him saying that is just an excuse to keep you just where he wants you. My advise is to run away. far far away
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (10 September 2012):
 Whoa, Let's see your culture etc. isn't one that will be approved by his but your body is just fine...It is a no brainer...run for the hills and keep your legs crossed until you'r gone.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 September 2012):
 I think he’s telling you words to make you think that he thinks highly of you.
I think he views you as a sex toy and handy penis holder nothing more nothing less
I think if you want a real relationship and a marriage and children you should leave him
If you only want to be used for sex then stay with him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 September 2012):
 What are you to do?
Take your hand (either of them will do) and put it behind your back, try and feel all the bumps on your back, THAT is your spine!
He ONLY wants you for sex. He gives you enough compliments to get you to drop your panties while playing his tiny "cultural difference violins" to avoid commitment.
Honestly honey, you can do SO much better then this middle ages professor boinking previous students.
Remember you DO have a spine and YOU can say no. He is NOT what you want or what you need so WHY are you wasting your time with him? HE will not magically accept your ethnically, your culturally or even religious background and embrace you as a partner. He SEES you as a warm body where he can conveniently park his dick when you let him.
He is ONLY pursuing YOU to have someone warm to park his dick in while he looks for his "Ukrainian women" I know it sounds crud, but really LOOK at his actions AND listen to his words.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (10 September 2012):
He doesn't sound like a great catch, to be honest.
- He's a teacher who dates students,
- he hasn't been straight forward about what he wants, which is sex only. For the record: "not right now" means: "not, ever."
- He's narrow minded and selfish, prioritizing himself and manipulating you to get what he wants. The reason he's said "not right now" is because he doesn't want to shut the door in your face. Then you might leave. If he keeps it ajar, you may try to convince him (while having sex of course) that a relationship can work. And he'll spew out some more nonsense and the cycle continues.
Even if he were to engage in a relationship with you (which will not happen) he would be the one dictating what everything should be like. There would be no equality, he's shown you that much.
["The way I see it, if I'm good enough to have sex with, I should be good enough to at least be considered a marriage partner..."]
That's where you go wrong. Guys don't view girls they bone as relationship material, not in that order. What you had with him was a Friends With Benefits arrangement (even though he did not tell you about it, which puts him in a negative light once again.) Why would he want the chore of an actual relationship when he has everything he wants already: sex and no hassle?
The cultural differences thing isn't the real reason. He's using you and the culture card is just an excuse not to go forward with you. You already noticed he only talks about you in a sexual way. Well, that's all there's going to be.
My advice: dump this douche, stay single for a while and the next time you put yourself out there again, remember this: get into a relationship first, have sex later. The right guy will wait and work for it. A manipulative user will leave.
Also, don't ever date teachers again. When they're willing to go along with it, it means he's willing to abuse his position and break the law for his own personal gain. That alone should have told you this guy was bad news. Men like that are NEVER honorable.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (10 September 2012):
 What do I think? That you are being very naieve and not realising that OF COURSE THIS OLDER MAN IS GOING TO USE YOU FOR SEX!! What else would a man in his late 40's want with a 22 year old?! This culture nonsense is an excuse for him, the truth is that he never intended to have a relationship with you, you are too young and his family would disown him for getting serious with a girl young enough to be his daughter.
Culture can be important in relationships, after all family is very important and if you upset your entire family by marrying someone of a different culture you are putting yourself up for some very hard times. Why would you invite that upon yourself when you could just marry someone from the same culture? There is no point in making life hard for yourself.
But in your situation, AGE is the issue here. You are 22, probably in his eyes very attractive, youthful and sexy. And best thing is you like him, which means he can do what he wants with you until he gets bored and meets someone more appropriate for him. No man, when presented with a girl who is over 20 years his junior, is ever going to think 'I can see this girl being my long term life partner'. He is going to think 'she's hot and she likes me, lets see how many times I can sleep with her before she realises I'm using her'.
So you ask why doesnt he limit his flirting to Ukranian women? Because he obviously wants sex, and knows he can get it from naieve little girls like you. Men easily separate sex and love, he will probably be out there looking for a woman from his culture but in the mean time until he meets the right woman he will have other women (you) to have sex with.
Why cant he have an open mind to the possibility that there is more out there if he looks past his culture? As I said before, his culture is just an excuse. You are too young for him, he knows that and is just taking advantage while he is getting it on a plate. Most men would I'm afraid! Older men rarely take young girls seriously, he probably doesnt want to get married again, or have kids at his age - he wants a woman closer to his age who is past the kids and marriage stage, who is comfortable in life and just wants to enjoy the finer things now they are getting a bit older.
Whereas someone in their early 20's like you is going to want marriage, kids, a long happy life together....he cant give you any of that. You would end up aged 42 caring for a man who is a pensioner, when you should be in the prime of your life. This is the difference between you and this man - he is mature enough to know that this can never be a long term thing, whereas you are only able to think about the 'right now', being all romantic with your ideas of love overcoming anything.
I think you need to give up on the older man idea, realise that you can never be taken seriously by an older man because he knows that long term the relationship wont work. Focus on guys your own age and you will soon see that culture and race wont be a big deal - it is just an excuse this man has been using with you.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 September 2012):
 A guy in his late 40s who wants a purely sexual relationship isn't at all interested in marrying anyone to 'build a family.' He's just come up with an excuse which will fob you off. You clearly can't change your culture so that keeps you off the purely imaginary 'marriageable" list. It's a ploy.
His "honesty" about it is designed to keep you right in your place, his bed but not his 401k or his pension plan. This guy has no intention of marrying anyone, at all, ever. He's just shutting you up about it by telling you he's not going to marry you due to your cultural origins.
In other words, he's full it.
Decide what YOU want and if he's not capable of providing it, move on.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (10 September 2012):
 I think you would be perfectly within your rights to say, "yes I am a great woman. However I am a Greater woman than you deserve"
I am sure he will have no trouble finding a woman to meet his needs. Don't waste your time on this man. He just wants to use you and he is selfish.
You truly do deserve a Greater Man then the man you see in him. In a word, he is Disappointing. His mind is closed and his attitudes would stifle the relationship eventually.
I think you know you deserve better than he is offering.
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