A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is kind of long so please bare with me as i really need some advice! im in a sexual relationship with (fred) and we have a child 2gether. i care for him more than anything. we have been in this open relationship for over 4 years. with xmas and looking for a job and money worries etc i havent really been in the mood for sex. we have it once a week maybe more if im on the wine! he said to me the other day basically if i didnt ahev sex with him, he would go else where. he sounds like a total ~$*# but he has done so much for me and our daughter. he just has a really high sex drive. i think to me he is now a way of life and a 'habit' can imagine living without him. he doesnt want kids marriage commitment etc and i want all of these!!! help what should i do!!!!!
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female
reader, bemused  +, writes (31 December 2008):
 Hun..you are not even out of one relationship and you are talking about getting into another. Listen...you need to stand on your own for a bit...the world will not come crashing down if you are without a man. If you leave Fred, you should not run to another guy right away. He may be right for you but in the meantime take your time and find out who you are...remember you. What are your interests, goals and dreams? If you are getting your identity from these guys...well that is not good. Stand on your own two feet for awhile and become someone in your right...a better relationship will follow...happy new year hun
A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316  +, writes (31 December 2008):
 Perhaps hon you are a bit obsessed with the thought of Fred. If the other guy is more of the kind of man you want you may want to try letting Fred walk. Marriage is important to alot of folks and sometimes finding the right person seems impossible. It seems you should take you child and venture out on your own. A;low your feeling for this other guy to take place naturally. Take your time and be sure that he can be what you need before you get too involved. You certainly don't want to fall for him out of rebound.
You are welcome for anything I can say that helps you. I know how hard it can be to let go of someone when you really try to give them the best benefit of doubts but I do believe you are beginning to see that Fred obviously isn't the man you need for your daughter or yourself. He isn't going to be anything you need until he changes his thoughtless patterns and his ideas of a committed relationship. Don't let him keep you down by making you feel that he is so grand, a man who has a child and acts so irresponsively and without loving care for his child isn't a really good man at all. You have only fooled yourself into believeing what he has lead you to believe. You feel guilty and believe that he has been so good to you and your daughter but you now are realizing that was far from the truth.
Step aside and let MR NO COMMITMENT take his own OPEN RELATIONSHIP and go his own way. He is going to soon see that IT's HIS LOSS. Find someone who Wants to GIVE YOU all that HE PROBABLY NEVER WILL!
My best to you always. May you find the way to let go and find someone GREATER who is probably waiting just around the corner.
God bless,
Blue_Angel
^(**)^
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A
male
reader, roadman +, writes (31 December 2008):
 You know something about love,most of it all in your head,what will be will be in the end of it and feelings will die and new ones will grow,if you love someone then if they are there or not then all you can do is love them,but you still have to get on with day to day life,I know its easyer said then done..but if someone not giving you to time of day your really looking for,then its best to look else where..There plenty fish in the sea!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi, thank you for all ur answers and advice. to me the relationship is a 'proper' 'couple' relationship, we do 'couple' things we sleep together(sometimes) we have a child together he near enough lives with me etc etc. but he likes to call it an open relationship so there is no commitment, but isnt havin a child together a huge commitment?????yes!! i know for a fact he has not slept with anybody else in the past 4 years of our relationship minus one that he told me about and im actually friends with her now! strange really. i think some of u are right when u say tht basically all the good things he has done for me is blinding me from all the bad things about him. oh god what do i do! i have another male friend called.....bob who is lovely, wants kids marriage etc etc obviously not now as im only 21 but in the future. i know he can make me happy and i care ofr him sooo much but i cant bare to be without fred. \help
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A
male
reader, roadman +, writes (31 December 2008):
If the man wants to hit the road to get some and your not giving any then if you love him all you can do is be there when he gets back..or drink more wine!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2008): Hi Wilma
Irrespective of the fact you have a child together, it sounds like you're with the wrong man.
When you say you're in an open relationship, are you actually saying that both of you have agreed to having other sexual partners? If Fred is seeing to you once a week or more you're not doing too badly and neither is he.
However, it seems you both want different things in life which is no solid basis for a decent loving relationship which will stand the test of time.
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A
female
reader, bemused +, writes (31 December 2008):
Hi hun. I see that you are young...for too young to be settling for this compromised situation. You mentio n that this 'gods gift to the world' has done a lot for you. I am assuming that this would be something financial...cannot for the life of me understand why you would be hanging around otherwise. My take is that you are uninterested in him sexually because you know he is not a sure thing in your heart and head and you are holding back...it is often something that women do as a defence mechinism. For many guys, once a week would really not be enough...to be blunt but I bet you would be welcoming him with open arms if he was notinsistant on this open relationship where he feels entitled to you..taking care of the house and him and other women...not sure what they would get out of it either. I can understand the pain of letting him go...despite all perhaps having him around was better than no one and all and it must be tough for you to have a young child. You want a proper relationship..do you not..not a sugar daddy. You say you are looking for a job...keep looking my dear. I would suspect that if you let him go you will have to face the realities of child care, putting food on the table and lonely and hard as this may seem...it is preferable to the erosion of your self esteem which this man is bringing into your life. Do something for yourself and try walking away.
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A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (31 December 2008):
Pack your bags and find the door. This cad has no real respect for you. He doesn't even want any of the same things in a realationship that you do.
You need to think about the child. You say you care for HIM more than anything. Does this mean you intend to let him treat you anyway he wants and you will still be there? Hon you had better get your mind in gear and start thinking of things you can do here to fix this.
This relationship as you say is OPEN so you will be allowing him whatever discrestions he sees fit. This is hurting you and it WILL damage your self-esteem. Don't let him bring you down until you are NOTHING! He seems to be somewhat controlling, If he wants to go somewhere else just because you don't feel like having sex all the time, what a crock! A good sezual realtionship can be healthy for any couple but good grief, he is using this against you to make you feel guilty and make excuses so he can CHEAT ON YOU!
Back yourself up here and take better care of yourself that this. Don't allow this man to make you feel like the problem totally lies in you. It's ok to not engage in sexual activity sometimes. He is being an outright jerk! He wants things his way....PERIOD! Emotional stress can make one feel less romantic or sexual. Don't you realize that you need someone who is going to stand by you in bad time as well as good times. You say he has done plenty for you but this same man is now trying to tear you down. Perhaps you have been building him up in your own mind so you didn't have to deal with the person he really is. I would say that doing thie mind game with you,he is showing his true colors.
Sometimes we have to let sleeping dogs lie, but in this case I say rustle them up and let them out of the pen. You need to figure out what you can do, if talking to him doesn't work then weigh your other options. It's hard to walk away from someone especially when you have a child together, one he DOESN'T want according to your words.("he doesnt want kids marriage commitment etc and i want all of these!!! help what should i do!!!!!) Well hon I think you know what you need to do but you feel you can't strike out on your own. Put your CHILD FIRST!
This man doesn't want a real committment with you, no marriage and no chance for any real future. He doesn't want children, most likely including responsibility of the one you have together now, Don't waste anymore of your life on this man who will probably NEVER show you any consideration or real honest loving care. Find a way out and stop letting him destroy your self-esteem and self-worth one little bit at the time. Find someone who WANTS ALL of YOU, not just sex. You deserve more than you are getting, even if you think that he is taking care of you and your daughter. You must be taking care of HIS NEEDS as well or he preobably wouldn't keep you around.
SEEK GOD'S WILL and YOU WILL SEE THE DIFFERENCE!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
God bless,
Blue_Angel
^(**)^
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2008): Are you kidding....he sounds like a total jerk, but isn't because he has done so much for you and his own child.
What an open relationship is for a guy is a wet dream.....he gets to fool around with other women but have one woman around to be the maid and take care of him at home.
Now he is telling you he doesn't love you when he says you either have sex or I am out of here. You are making excuses for his bad behavior with he has a high sex drive.
What you want is love
What you want is respect
What you want is appreciation
What you want is cherishment
What you want is faithfulness and loyalty
What you want is commitment
What you want is marriage
What you want is a man who won't leave you and you kid high and dry
What you want is a man.
What you have settled for is a jerk, a louse, a sex addict, a player and a thief of hearts. What you have settled for is a way of life and a habit.
Now you decide, what should you do?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2008): ur not a prostitute, sex happens when both people want it. Let him go.
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A
male
reader, Arianz  +, writes (31 December 2008):
 Dear Friend,
I want to make clear something to you.
If you think he doesn’t like it then you shouldn’t force him for this. Because it may has a bad reaction.
From my point of view if you are happy with him and he cares about you both lot then run the relation like way it is.
Another thing is that “in all relationship you will have some expectation from partner. So if he is expects something from you then you should try to make him satisfy. (If he also cares about you and your daughter lot)
My suggestions for you to maintain this as it is…and try your best to give care and love to your partner and your daughter.
BUT
If he is attracted for any other person then it will more hard for you to continue. So think more about him and try to understand his intensions I hope you will find your good result.
Please don't mind if my suggestion makes you hurt.
BEST OF LUCK
take care
arianz
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