A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my partner for 9 years (since I was 19) and we moved in together 4 years ago.After being together for such a long time I really want to take our relationship to the next stage by getting married and having children. For the past few years he's insisted that he isn't ready to get married yet but that he's certain that he will want to marry me in the future.I'm getting really frustrated with the whole situation as I'm almost 30 and really want to have children but don't want to do this if we're not married.How long do I need to wait around for him to make his mind up? I really don't want to be in a 10 year relationship without a definite future planned and I feel like I'm in a relationship that is stopping me having children before its too late.What should I do?
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female
reader, lolarosamilia +, writes (13 May 2010):
i am in the same mess.i have been with fella since i was 18 am now 30!we have our own house and the whole getting married thing has been a great big upset....me wanting us to do it having to cancel 2 weddings already due to illness and him not ready now year later he tells me am still not ready...but wants me to stay with him loves me...just not ready but say's we will do it this year..SO WHEN'S THAT THEN? i am sick of this shit and really wish i had of not ended up like this....so looks like there are loads of idiots out there that dont know a good thing when it is right in front of them......
A
female
reader, Auntie Jez +, writes (5 February 2009):
I think you have been with hinm far too long without a proper future commitment from him.Having said that there may be a good reason like he is still engrossed in his career and does not want distractions such as children yet - I dont know how old he is perhaps he has not got where he wants to get yet. Is he frightened of the responsibility? Does he not want to give up socialising etcI think you need to sit down and have a chat ( dont do it in anger!) just tell him what you have told us and ask him - does he want to get married one day or not? If he does what is stopping him and what is his time frame for marriage/children?See what he honestly says and you can then decide whether to wait ot notTake care and good luckEmphasise that you dont want to force him you just want to know for your own peace of mind
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (5 February 2009):
 I dont think giving him an ultimatum is the best idea; men tend to get defensive if you do this and they will be even more closed off and stubborn once you lay down a deadline.
You need to decide whether you are willing to wait around a bit longer for him because you love him that much you cannot imagine your life without him, or your other option is to leave him in the hope that you will meet someone else. But bear in mind with the second option, it make take you 5 years or more to meet another guy that you want to marry - then you will be in a similar position where having children is difficult due to your age.
Have you thought about getting some of your eggs frozen? I know this seems like a drastic action but it is a good option if you know you want children in the future but the timing isnt right at the moment.
I can understand your problem here; my cousin was afraid of getting married and he had been with his girlfriend for 17 years! She didnt want to have kids before they got marriage. Eventually just before they both turned 34 they got married. Now they are trying for a baby and his wife has miscarried a number of times. He now regrets not getting married sooner as she would have found it easier to get pregnant when she was younger.
If I were you I would sit down with your boyfriend and have a proper chat, with no distractions and when he is in the right frame of mind. You need to explain your concerns; especially on the children side of things. If he wants kids he needs to understand that age is a problem and there could be lots of heartache in the future if you leave it too late. Explain to him you are not rushing him and you love him, that you dont want to leave him but cant be kept waiting forever.
Once you have put those thoughts into his mind he will have it on his conscience that time is ticking. Some men may never be quite ready but with gentle pushes in the right direction all the things you want are achieveable!
It all boils down to how much you love him and want to be with him - if he is really the one for you then you will wait for him. Is this actually about your boyfriend or do you just have a really strong desire to get married and have kids? If you want the marriage and children then theoretically you could just settle down with any old person as long as they are willing - is this what you really want?
Love should always come first, even if it does take you a long time to get what you want at least you have the man of your dreams by your side.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2009): I'm afraid this sounds like a situation I had to deal with last year. My partner of 8 years was adamant he wasn't ready for marriage or children, he wouldn't even talk about it. But then he would say something like "maybe in a few years...." which kept me hanging on for ages. We split up eventually because I realised that if he hadn't decided by that point he never would, and I would just be kept hanging around waiting for him to change his mind when it suited him and all on his terms. 9 years is long enough to wait, and I understand your feelings about children completely. I think you need to give him an ultimatum and be prepared to walk away because you need to move on with your life and not be kept on hold because he doesn't want to commit. I think by this point, if he is anything like my ex, he won't do anything about it, unless he just needs a good kick up the backside to make him realise how you feel. Please be proactive and good luck! xxx
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