A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'd like some advice from guys and girls out there. My bf and I have been together 9 yrs, but split up 1 yr ago for 6 months out of the blue, and I found out he was 'seeing' a female work colleague, posting himself on adult dating sites and sending/receiving explicit pics to total strangers. I didn't really want to split up but he moved out. Nothing happened with the colleague, who has now moved away. We kept in touch and 6 months later, he wanted us to get back together. So we've been back together 6 months (still living separately, about 1 hour away) BUT for the last 3 weeks, he's started acting really protective around his cell phone (this is what happened last time) and this morning, I found a secret cell phone in his pocket when I was doing the washing so (I'm ashamed to say) I checked his messages and he's doing it again! Explicit texts from girls, talking about meeting up for sex... So I confronted him, and he was decent enough not to try and wriggle out of it. He said he feels lonely, doesn't want to be the kind of person who does that, but that he hasn't actually met up with any of these women. Then he almost begged me not to leave him. I told him I love him and want him to be happy, and don't want to leave him, although I can't carry on in a relationship with someone who I can't trust. I do want us to work through this, but I'm stuck and need some advice on how to help him be happier. He wants more friends, so I suggested joining a football team, etc. but he doesn't want to. If texting these women makes him feel better, should I just try to ignore it? I guess as long as he never actually meets them, it's not so bad. Is it worth holding on to someone you love in the hope that one day they'll love you enough to not need to do the things he's been doing? How can I help him feel more happy? He says he's never been happy except when we were at uni and he had lots of close friends who are now scattered across the globe. There are still things that he enjoys doing, and his mood always seems generally cheerful. I wondered about talking to a counsellor (alone or together) but he won't. I'd appreciate any advice.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): After 8 years it will be hard. Believe me I know. But he doesn't deserve and more chances, he'll just keep doing it cause he knows he can get away with it. Like I said in my previous post, I gave my one three more chances and he blew them all, and just like your one, he didn't seem sorry and had nothing to say when I asked him what he was going to do to make sure he never did it again.They can't say sorry because their NOT and they can't tell you what their going to do to make sure it doesn't happen again, because they ARE going to do it AGAIN and AGAIN. My one proved that.You take care, don't worry about him, his just selfish. Think about YOU, he certainly doesn't. Lets us know how you are and how you get on please. I will be thinking of you as I so so know what your going through x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009): (Original poster) Thank you all for your advice. I'm really starting to think it may be time to call it quits. He doesn't seem too sorry, and has nothing to say when I ask him what he's going to do to make sure he doesn't do this again. The thought of him not being in my life makes me feel so sad though:(
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 June 2009):
 I'm not saying it's your fault. At all. BUT if you "try" to ignore this and "pretend" all is well he will never stop.
Some people seriously believe as long as their partner don't know it's ok to flirt/fuck/call/text whatnot others.
I think he is having some kind of sexual addiction. He might not actually met up with them and have sex, but he will. Sooner or later he will.
These women aren't his FRIENDS they are potential fuck-buddies.
He isn't going to stop, no matter HOW much you love him.
He needs help. I would honestly suggest you tell him to get a therapist and work through it and that if he in 6 months have over come it, you are there for him. Unless of course you feel able to be there and support him through it all.
Like the female anon write wrote.. CONCENTRATE on YOUR happiness. If you are happy chances are your partner is too. Pretending stuff isn't happening will tear you down, tear down whatever trust you may still have, whatever respect there is left for him.
I'm sorry if I sound harsh. I'd be running if it was me.
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A
male
reader, Your friend +, writes (23 June 2009):
 He is a serial cheat, hooked on porno and dating sites, having sex with any women he can then admits it but says that it is because he is unhappy which infers that he is not happy even when he is with you. Serial offenders reoffend as you have just discovered and he will continue to do so while you stay with him. You will never be able to trust him there will always be an extra phone but this time better hidden, he will always have a good excuse for any night he isn't home and when you catch him again he will tell you again that he is sorry, can't help himself, is sad, feels horrible...and then you find that hidden phone again. Your relationship finished the first time this happened.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2009): Even if his not meeting them his still cheating on you. You've done everything you can for him, sorry to say this, but its time to give up. He says he does it because his lonely, rubbish, his does because he enjoys it. Finish it and get on with your life. I've been down the road your on, and my one promised he'd never do anything like it again, he even swore on his young sons life. And yes he did. I ended up giving him three more chances and he blew them all. Don't waste anymore time on him, your never trust him again believe me you wont. Good luck, please let us know how you get on x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2009): (Original poster of question) Thanks for your responses so far. I appreciate your opinions. It's difficult because we were perfectly happy for 8 years, and I want to get that back. I love him and always thought we'd have a family one day. I guess I'm scared that if I get tough, and say that either it stops or I go, he'll let me go, which means waving goodbye to the love of my life and a potential family of my own. It seems easier to let him carry on, but I know that's not going to be good for me in the long term, right? Can people like my bf change these habits do you think?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2009): You are putting your energy into making him happy, but what about yourself. You are not responsible for his happiness. If he is lonely, why is it always female company he is seeking,and of a sexual nature?
You've said yourself you can't trust him, and he doesn't seemt to be making any effort, so my advice is find someone better, who is interested in making YOU happy.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (23 June 2009):
 Something is wrong here. People looking for new friends text and email others looking for friendship, not sex. Guys who send explicit messages and try to hook up for sex want sex, not friendship.
I don't think it's worth holding on to someone hoping they will love you back, especially not after nine years. After all this time you pretty much know what you're going to get. Don't talk yourself into accepting disrespect just to stay in a relationship - you will end up resenting him.
Now for a bit of cold reality - your boyfriend is most likely cheating on you. He's hiding his cell phone and texting other women and walking all over you. You are right that you can't be in a relationship without trust, and he's proven twice that you can't trust him. You should move on and find someone who is actually trustworthy and doesn't try to cover his slimy tracks with a lie.
Good luck.
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