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female
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anonymous
writes: Got back with bf after 2 month rocky patch, on again, off again, on again, off again etc..I love him to pieces and I know he loves me but he says he's still confused! I told him to think about it for a week but I'm already head over heels back believing in our relationship and I'm so scared he'll back out again!I know I can't make someone love me, be in a relationship etc... but he says the only thing that is worrying him is that he'll make me unhappy and he loves me too much hurt me!What can I do to show that I know him well enough to know what he's like? If we love each other will it not work out? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Kay-the-Cloud +, writes (24 October 2005):
In a way, he's trying to protect you. Maybe he's seeing someone else, and doesn't want you to know or something like that.
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (24 October 2005):
 Given your history together, it sounds to me like he's hedging his bets to cover himself for the next time you two break up. He "loves you too much to hurt you"? Hey wakies, woman. He's already done that, several times. What's changed?
Loving someone is no guarantee that things will work out. Ask anyone who's ever loved a drug addict or a married person. Or even someone allergic to dog hair who's in love with a dog-owner. You can bend and stretch and mould yourself to suit him all you want, but if he's still "confused" and afraid that he'll make you "unhappy" by doing whatever it is that keeps driving you apart, then no amount of love on either side is going to keep you together.
What you should be considering is why you keep breaking up, then getting back together. What's going on between you that makes the relationship so hot and cold? Are both of you making an effort to overcome the sticking points and change your behaviour? Are you just getting back together because it's easier than trying to find someone you're really suited to?
From your posting it's hard to tell if your boyfriend is making any changes to the way he's behaving - or if you are - and whether any of those possible changes appears to be "sticking".
If you just keep getting back together because you know him well and keep hoping that things will be different "next time", then you're in good company with lots of other rose-tinted-lens-wearing people, but I think that ultimately you'll be disappointed.
Unless each of you can identify what's going wrong and each of you is making solid steps to fixing the problems you have, then the chances of things working out permanently aren't that good.
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