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*solschool
writes:I am seriously conflicted by my man. My guy and I have been living together for almost a 1 1/2 years now, I love him but I am doubting if I do or not because although he says that he is comfortable with me. I can't relax knowing he's not in love with me, it shows too, his lack of desire for me is obvious, I can get naked around him and he never looks at me, I always have to initiate sex when we have it, other than that we seldom talk like couples do, if I ask him if he loves me he'll reply that he loves me, but he is not in love with me. However he is dedicated himself to me, saying that it takes time for him to fall in love. I don't believe him because I stayed with someone that I wasn't in love with for 10 years and I never did fall in love with my boyfriend but I loved him. I learned from that experience that if you don't feel that for someone in the beginning, odds are you will never feel that for them, even after years of co-habiting together. Please I can use some wisdom on this, because I don't want to waste my time. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (13 September 2015):
 Coming out of a 10 year loveless relationship, I can understand why you are conflicted, and that you worry he's just another version of your ex. I also would wonder if he's hurt by exes because they criticized his sexual ability. Maybe he's not confident in bed and he needs a woman who's okay with a sexless relationship before committing further. You know of women who have the 90 day rule before opening their legs? He's testing your limit.
The definition of comfortable is different here. Normally comfortable means the calm after the honeymoon period ended. You and him never reached the passion to begin with. It's different this time, and you wonder if this is a reverse progression of what people usually go through. Wouldn't it be nice if you have two years of "comfortable" then a lifetime of passion as a reward for your patience? Um, I don't think so. Maybe in some silly romantic comedy.
I won't be surprised if one day, you've had enough with this lukewarm, affectionate roommate situation, then that's the day when he's just starting to fall in love with you. What's important is your happiness. Isn't it a bit of contradiction when he says he doesn't know you well enough, but he's comfortable with you?
Sexual desire is instinct, a natural need. It's not something you develop after years of familiarity. Unless he's suppressing his need to test you. Same as falling in love. It's something that can't be helped, analyzed. You either do have attraction or don't.
Either he has his brained wired a unique way or it's difference in semantics. He may also have a perfectionistic, ideal theory of love. Anyone can do dishes and massages. I wonder what his childhood is like, sexual history and how his relationships went.
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reader, msolschool +, writes (12 September 2015):
msolschool is verified as being by the original poster of the question Ok, I need to go a little more into details. He does cook and clean sometimes, he makes sure I eat, he washes my clothes, fold and put away for me. Also he holds my hand when were out sometimes, and he loves to cuddle, hug and message my back, so he is intensive that way but he still don't have much to say as far as talking about us or his feelings of us, nor do he approach me for sex or even look at me naked, and worse he's never pay me a compliment, I don't care how good I look, he just don't look at me in that way. When I ask him how he feels, he says he loves me, even though its hard for him to actually say those words, but he clearly lets me know, I am not in love with you yet?? He did tell me that it takes him a while to fall in love because he doesn't want to get hurt by someone by falling in love with them too soon, he actually told me that he didn't know me well enough yet to say he's in love with me, even after living together for almost a year in a half. He's a mellow guy who don't complain about his life.
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reader, mystiquek +, writes (12 September 2015):
 I am in your age range. If a man told me he wasn't in love with me, I'd move on. He's with you because you're comfortable, he knows you, knows what to expect. Its easy, like an old pair of shoes, they feel good and are still useable, so why get rid of them? You keep them around because you like them..and I guess that is what he is thinking about you? If you want more..then leave him. He doesn't have it to give. If he isn't in love with you by now, he isn't going to suddenly fall in love. Save yourself some time and tears..find a man who LOVES you.
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reader, janniepeg +, writes (12 September 2015):
Let's examine what it means to be in love and what it takes for a person to be able to feel in love. Is he in perfect health and is he happy with where he is in life, like financially and not too much baggage in the past? For example, a diabetic person or a depressed person would have little sex drive and it doesn't matter if you are pretty or not. They are however, comfortable with companionship.
I doubt many long term married couples are still in the in love stage, but it's foolish to say out loud they are not in love if they want to remain in the marriage. It's honest but it does not help you to stay with him. Your boyfriend may be saying it to decrease your confidence, to deflect the real issue here. It could be him who's having problems with intimacy. I don't think it takes years to be in love. You are not talking about an abused person who needs time to trust and feel safe. When he says one day he would fall in love, he's buying time so you won't leave him.
For some people, comfortable works, but obviously it doesn't work for you. You still have a lot of life in you and you would be wasting time with him.
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