A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How do I get over the fact that my husband continuously watches porn and saves pictures of it on his phone?In the past, porn has been an issue before do to them not wanting to have intercourse with me. My insecurities really do eat me alive from that.Well, I ended up building myself back up from that and no longer had issues with porn....or so I thought. I met my husband and of course fell in love and got married.Then I was pregnant and as most women know. Your body changing and getting bigger. All those hormones and whatever life throws at you. Well, I got on the laptop and noticed he had thousands of pictures of woman he's been with or just hooked up with. Then it was the same on his phone. I was devastated. I have done everything in the sex department for him - things other wouldn't. I was begging for him to just touch me during my pregnancy. He barely did... Well, after the confrontation with him. He told me he has had problems and addiction to it. We agreed to help each other and move past it.Well his birthday was coming up. He has this app on his phone of stuff for cheap and always shows me things he found and wants. So I go on there to go through the pics and find porn gifs... I was so upset. I confronted him and he straight up lied to me about his reasoning. I caught him in his lies 4x...What do I do? I'm working hard on getting in shape for me cause I know I'll feel better about myself. But I feel so betrayed. Now, I grew up in a very closed off home. My morals and beliefs are... More old fashioned. To me looking at another person in lust is cheating. ( My morals, my Religion, my thoughts) so him watching porn is a betrayal of some sort. Yes, he isn't actually sleeping with someone but he much rather wank off late at work then come home to our daughters and me. I'm so hurt, please any help would be highly appreciated.Thank you.
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female
reader, jls022  +, writes (7 December 2015):
I'm personally quite relaxed about porn but I know many other women find it really upsetting. This is something I've never quite understood until a couple of days ago when I read something that sort of made it 'click' for me, so maybe it might help your husband to explain it like this:
Men get much of their sexual desire from visual stimulation. Whether that's through porn, photos or their own partners, it's the visuals that excite them for the most part. Women are not like that. Most of our sexual excitement comes from feeling desired by men.
If you ask most women, they would get much more turned on at the idea of sending a nude photo and getting a great reaction from their partner than they would from receiving a similar photograph from their partner (I'm not saying all women would want to do that of course, but in theory it's a bigger turn on for us to be the object of the man's desire).
So for many women, the big problem with porn is that their men are shifting their sexual energy and desire from their wives/partners to other women. Given that feeling desired is a woman's biggest turn on, this can feel devastating to a woman and make her feel completely unsexy and even betrayed.
If you look at it the other way, it's similar to telling a man he isn't allowed to see his wife naked any more but other men are. She's taking his biggest turn on (the visual of her being naked) and focussing that on other men instead of him. I'm willing to bet no men would be ok with that situation, nor should they be.
As I said, I'm ok with porn in general but this really helped me to understand why so many women are so incredibly hurt by it. I hope this also helps your husband and allows him to see that this is not just something you could (or arguably should) get over.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2015): Hello, OP here.Thank you for your advice and recommendations. Firstly to answer your questions.My husband and I are the best of friends. Everything else is very perfect to be honest. We communicate with each other greatly. He spends all his free time doing family things with us. Honestly, the only thing that is an issue is his porn usage. Our sex life is adventurous and always fulfilling. I am satisfied as far as I know so is he. We never lie to each other and fight very little.I have spoken to him about his usage of porn and how it hurts me. I admit, when I was pregnant. I was VERY upset and attacked him over it. In the beginning I knew he wanked off. I just didn't realize it was to this degree. Once we got married after dating. I explained how I felt about it.After our most recent talk. He has told me he truly sorry he is for how it's hurting me and affecting me. I was just building myself up and he was whispered encouraging things to me. I told him the biggest betray was that he lied to me while whispering those things. We had agreed to talk to each other when these...thought's or needs start to take effect. He said he will talk to me before he does anything. - I seriously don't know what to expect from that... I know it will hurt but I do want him to be open and honest to me.For other lady, I understand that your outlook on porn is more of a relaxed. I wish I had that outlook. However, I don't. As I stated before, my religious beliefs. To look at another person in lust is adultery. So, as much as I wish I could dust this off as nothing. I simply can't. I also only believe in marriage to one person. I would never seek divorce. I waited a long time before I said I do cause I only want to get married once. No divorce whatsoever. My husband also strongly believes in that as well. I find it a little discouraging that if there is a problem people automatically assume divorce the SO. That is not what marriage is about. I may be young (25) but I do have my head on straight. My husband has also shown that he agrees with my outlook on marriage. This is why I asked, how do I overcome this issue. How do you approach my husband about this issue without resorting to divorce. I am wanting to approach this and move past it. Not move on from him. I love my husband and he loves me. I know it hurt him when all this came about because it hurt me. During that time, he has been his own worst enemy. Normally, woman enjoy adding to that pain. I, however wanted to help him though he hurt me. Honestly, hearing that he wants to do better for us is a very wonderful sign.My husband is my best friend. He has never lied to me till that one and only time. It hurt incredible but we married each other for better or for worse.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2015): I hope I can help. My husband was a porn addict too.But before I advise you, I have a few key questions about your relationship in general. How are things? Do you too get along well, spend quality time together, laugh together etc? Would you say you are both happy together and emotionally intimate?And then sexually, how are things? Are you satisfied in bed? Are you satisfied with the frequency and quality? Is he? Have you asked him this directly? If not satisfied, what would you/he like more of?Now... onto the porn. You are very clear that you are absolutely against porn. Did you tell him this before you got married? Does he share the same values? If you didn't communicate about it before marriage then this is a tough situation. There is no compromise. One of you will have to sacrifice their beliefs for this relationship to work.In your communication with him, you will either need to communicate that you are worried with the extent of his porn consumption or that you are unhappy with his usage of porn period.In my opinion, if you tell him tell him you are unhappy with him watching porn period, you will struggle to convince him to stop if he doesn't share the same values as you that porn in a marriage is inherently bad. You might have better luck if you appeal to him by asking him to stop because it hurts you personally and your marriage (you feel disrespected, lose emotional intimacy, resent him, you have less sex, you spend less time as a family etc) To get this across, I would write him a letter detailing exactly how you as his chosen spouse feel harmed by his porn usage. List all the effects you suffer resulting from porn. Ask him if porn is worth all those negative consequences on you and his family. Let him read the letter, then discuss together. hopefully he will decide that no porn is worth the consequences, however unintended, on his loved ones. If he is addicted, he needs therapy. Nothing short of therapy will get him through this. But he needs to see and accept that he is addicted. He needs to acknowledge that this addiction is bad and that he cannot stop on his own. He needs professional help. Getting him to admit and take ownership of his addiction is going to be the toughest part :-( Then he needs a therapist to help him recover.My SO was addicted. When he finally accepted that he had a problem, he installed porn blocking software on all his devices and I keep the passwords. He went to therapy and 6 months later he is doing really well. He hasn't been on a porn site in months even though he's had plenty of opportunity to do so. Not every story has a happy ending like mine. In a lot of scenarios the relationship ends or ends up miserable. My advice is to get your ducks in a row. By that I mean financially and socially. Keep your family and friends close, keep an emergency nest of funds and if you are not working, get a job! Your marriage is about to go through a storm and there's no guarantee of what awaits you. You need to be prepared for either outcome. You need to be in a position to show him that you are unwavering in your beliefs by walking away if he won't quit. For that to happen, you need to do all the above.Kudos to you for working on your insecurities and getting healthy. Keep up the good work. You will need to be strong.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2015): To me porn is harmless. It's not like he's meeting up with the women and actually having sex with them. Porn is not cheating. It's normal for some people.
However addiction to anything is unhealthy. He should try to seek some counseling. It's sucks that he's being distant. But arguing about it is not a good course of action. Best thing is to sit down and have a serious talk about his lack of interest in you and your daughter. See if he's thinks he can do better. He's your husband. You both made a commitment so see what he's willing to do to make things work. If not then maybe think about if you want to stay in this marriage. You're young.
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