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female
age
41-50,
*aura-Beth
writes: My boyfriend of nine months and I broke up on new years day. We didn't spend New Years Eve together as he had the opportunity to go to Amsterdam for free with his brother's band. On New Years Eve I spent ages trying to call him as I had no reception in the cottage my friends and I were staying in. In the end a friend who had reception lent me his phone so I could call him. We spoke for about a minute before he told me he had to go as the call was costing him a lot of money. I was deeply hurt by this and felt the fuzz of uncertainty about his feelings had eventually cleared. I could no longer pretend that he cared about me. It was the final straw which broke the camel's back. He called me when he got back from Amsterdam, and was surprised to find that I was upset. We spoke about all the things that had upset me over the last nine months and the fact that I didn't feel he loved me. I finally asked him if he did love me, to which he replied he didn't know, he couldn't differentiate between his feelings as easily as I could, but didn't think he loved me, although he cared for me deeply and didn't want to break up. He was annoyed by my remarks that if he didn't love me by now he never would, and said that you can't put a time limit on falling in love with someone. The conversations that have since occurred have uncovered possible reasons for his reluctance to fall in love again. An ex girlfriend of five years who he was in love with left him to go back to Ireland, another girlfriend who had broken up with him had got pregnant by him and had an abortion, only to tell him some months later when they got back together, and then continued to snog another guy in front of him. He insisted that he didn't want to blame these past experiences on why he didn't love me and that was between us. Since we broke up he's been unable to sleep, or eat and says it's affected him quite severely physically. He says he feels as bad as when he broke up with the girl he was with for five years, who he did love, and therefore what he feels for me must be similar but he doesn't know how he feels. He also says that the break up has made him realise how strongly he feels for me and is clearly very upset by it. He wants us to give it another go, to start dating again now that we are no longer living together, but I feel so devastated by the fact that he doesn't love me, I don't think that I can. I want to, as I love him so much, but I don't think I can be with him anymore, now that I know he doesn't love me. Should I give our relationship another chance now that he's fighting for me and assures me that he will make more of an effort, or should I give up on him, as our relationship shouldn't be an effort? Surely it should come naturally to him if he really cared? Please help.
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female
reader, jabey  +, writes (4 January 2007):
I agree, with reebe. If he is feeling strongly enough toward you to want to try again thats a good sign. Men hold back their feelings sometimes as they see things more logically than emotionally. I f you are chilled with him and he feels no pressure, he will probably fall in love naturally. I have the opposite problem where my boyfriend of nine months finished with me but says he really loves me. And he does not want to try to keep seeing me. So in a way you are in a better position, those three words dont always bring what we want. Good luckxx
A
female
reader, Reebe +, writes (4 January 2007):
 You are putting yourself and him underway too much pressure!
of course we all want to hear someone we love tell us that they love us, but surely it would mean much more if he said it because he meant it and not because he felf he HAD to say it.
He has been honest with you and not just told you wanted you wanted to hear.
With the new years eve thing he probably thought "I'll see her tomorrow and catch up then"
It doesn't mean he wasn't thinking about you or wanted to be with you. He knew at that moment you were ok as he'd just spoke to you.
I think you should give him another chance.
Try not to pressure him so much, and enjoy yourselves with each other and take this slowly to begin with.
Remember no one is perfect, we all make mistakes.
I hope it works out you both appear to genuinely care for each other!
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