A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:pls guys i need ur help, i am 23 nd my boyfrnd is 27 we have been dating for about 3yrs now, we love each other so much, he has promised to marry me nd we dont have any problem. He is into a very good biznes, nd i am currently working. We both wants to further our education by next year. The problem is that i am pregnant for him nd he wants me to keep the pregnancy although i've had an abortion once i know i will be fine with but i refuse because of my mom she dosent like nd she will fell so disapointed. Am not ready for marriage right now, i told him i need to complete my education first b4 anything. He said he is going to end the relatinship if abort the pregnancy.i love him.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 February 2015):
 I agree with Anon Female, who said:
"I personally would not want to be in a relationship with a man who did not, ultimately, allow me to make the choice of whether to have a baby with MY body or not."
This IS a choice YOU ultimately will have to make. You might be thinking:" OMG I can't have a baby now, I'm not ready!!"
I don't think he is trying to "force" you to have a child but trying to let you know that he CAN handle it.
All I can say is, I have 3 kids. I "planned" to have only one. I have no regrets about having 3. I did have doubts whether I could DO this or not, turns out, I could.
Education and schools will STILL be there AFTER the baby (if you chose to have it). It might be a little harder to get done, but women have SUCCESSFULLY done it before you, and will continue to do so after.
If you, however, feels this is absolutely the wrong time, I can't and I WILL NOT have a child now, then THAT is your choice.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2015): I personally would not want to be in a relationship with a man who did not, ultimately, allow me to make the choice of whether to have a baby with MY body or not.I don't mean that I'd necessarily have an abortion if I were in your position. If I were in your position and my partner said to me "look, I want this baby, but ultimately it is your body and it MUST be your choice in the end, if you are not ready, we can wait and get over this together and try later" and if he said he would stay with me whatever I chose, I would know I was with someone who genuinely loved me and who was mature and stable and this would give me the strength to go ahead and have the baby, regardless of financial or practical difficulties.But if I was in your position and the guy was saying "if you don't have this baby I will leave you", I would leave him. Absolutely I would go. And then I would decide, by myself, if I could cope with having the baby or not. If I chose to have the baby, I would expect him to pay maintenance and I would expect him to have access to the child and some sort of relationship with the child. But I would NOT stay with him.If a man is capable of pressuring you with this kind of ultimatum, he is not respecting you or your body, he is treating you simply as his property and the child as the same.
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (20 February 2015):
 By the way, I do mean if you're not *ready* for marriage, not that you don't *want* marriage at all; I'd advise marriage before kids (even if mostly for stability than a strong desire to be married), but some people just really don't *want* to ever be married. If you're not ready to be a wife, I don't think you're ready to be a mother. You need to calculate it all, like I said.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (20 February 2015):
Furthering your education will be put off and, quite honestly, I don't think you're ready to be a parent of you're not ready for marriage.
Don't think about what others will do; you have to start thinking like a single mother. What will you do if your boyfriend leaves you? Don't take him on his word that he'll stick around and be a good father; you need to think about this and assume you'll be on your own - worst case scenario.
Can you afford to live alone with a baby? Pay childcare? Buy enough for 10 or so nappies a day? Buy food for yourself and baby? Research costs for a baby in your country and figure out if you can pay for it all alone, then double it in case you have twins. If you couldn't and want to do more with your life while you're still young, I suggest either abortion or adoption. By the way, having an abortion once and not being affected doesn't mean that you can have another one and will defintely be fine.
Focus on the reality of what you can do on your own - you may never be able to have a child after this one is aborted or given up for adoption, but that shouldn't mean you keep a baby you can't afford to give the life they deserve; that would be selfish and not thinking of their best interests.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2015): This is your choice. You already mentioned you were OK with having an abortion. Taking care of a baby is challenging and you should only go through with the pregnancy if you want your baby.
A baby needs a Mother's love and has to be put FIRST. If you are unwilling to do that then you shouldn't have children. Some people are not natural parents and it's OK to not want children.
Just stop being so careless. Creating a life isn't a game and ending isn't fair but so is bringing the baby into the world if it won't be loved Like the baby deserves.
Just make a decision on what is best for the baby whether that means going through with the pregnancy or ending it. The moment you became pregnant it stopped being about you.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 February 2015):
 I am pro choice. I still think you should have this baby. Not because of religious reasons or even him. Very few people are actually ready to be parents. You are at your prime age. You don't know if you would get another chance to be pregnant again. Your boyfriend may sound like he's sending you an ultimatum. His response is harsh but it makes sense. It shows that he would not be able to forgive you if that happens. He feels if you don't give him a chance or a right to have a say then as self preservation he would have to end the relationship. It would hurt too much to be with you and to be reminded that you didn't give his child a chance. He would find it hard to face his parents.
What does it mean when you said "pregnant for him?" Is that why you didn't use contraception? Or pregnant by him? Then you get an abortion because your mom doesn't like it?
As a boyfriend he wouldn't like it either if you can't make your own decision.
One day when you have kids your life, your career plans would be delayed. So it's either delay it now or 5 or 10 years later. If you and your boyfriend are in bad relations and he's irresponsible then maybe an abortion. I find using needing to complete your degree as a reason to abort the baby as selfish.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (19 February 2015):
 I would like to add that my Mother was very upset with me too, when i got pregnant out of wedlock, but after she met her grandson, she was the happiest & most loving Grandmother.
She once told me, years later, that she was so happy that i didn't have an abortion, bec she had been through that & she wouldn't have wished that on me.
If you go ahead with your pregnancy, i am certain that your mother will come around eventually. She will learn to accept & you are an adult, so you must make your own choices/decisions first & foremost.
You cannot live your life by what "others think". I know you wish to honour your mother, your parents, but think of yourself, your partner & your baby first. :-)
Your mother, deep down, would understand yur dilemma, as she too, is a woman.
Again, all the best!
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A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (19 February 2015):
Hi there,
i feel for you, it's a very hard decision to make.
I am female & i had my only son when i was around your age.
At the time, my ex did want a baby with me, but strangely, after i got pregnant, he asked me to go & have an abortion.
He offered me $, i told him that i was going to have our child, with or without him & because of my religious beliefs, i couldn't go ahead with the abortion.
Also, when we feel pressured by others, we can make the wrong judgement calls &/or decisions & i have seen this time & time again, in my line of work.
Today, i cannot tell you how blessed i feel, when i look @ the beautiful life that came forth out of my body, my son. :-)
I wish i could give you a big hug & tell you that if you did choose to have your baby, then do it, go for it!
It must be your own choice i know, but a baby is a true miracle, a true gift from God.
I am a nurse & from a health standpoint, please let me tell you that if you've already had an abortion & if you're contemplating having another, please do think very carefully about this, bec there have been so many cases of women who can no longer conceive a child, when they are finally ready to conceive a child.
If you choose to go ahead with an abortion, make sure that it's carried out under the strictest guidlines, practices, bec a backyard abortion is very risky to any future pregnancy you may wish to accept, not to mention the huge risk of infection to you.
I am not sure how far ahead your pregnancy is, but the more advanced your pregnancy, the bigger the risks, once again.
I am unsure as to what your religious &/or moral convictions are regarding abortion & i will not judge you, nor any woman, but as a mother myself, who was in a similar situation years ago, i would ask you to really think about your bf's feelings too, bec after all, he is the father of your unborn baby & you should feel overly blessed to have a man in your life that is willing to support you through your pregnancy.
Most women who end up having an abortion, mostly do so, bec they have little or no support whatsoever.
I guess if a person doesn't wish to continue getting pregnant, then they must practice safe sex. Pill, condoms, etc;
An unborn baby is completely innocent. He or she doesn't ask to be brought into this world, so it's up to us as adults, to do the right thing & make the right decisions.
It's fine to make mistakes, we are human, nobody is exempt & we all do, but we must also learn from our past errors, so that we do not repeat them.
A baby within, is life in the making & we shouldn't simply discard that life, just because we are not yet ready, hence my saying that safe sex can gaurantee less risk of unplanned pregnancy & the need to make very painful decisions about abortion, especially a second time around.
I am now of mature age, i am getting married in a few mths time & i my fiance & i would give our arms & legs, just to have a baby, but bec of my age, i must accept that i may never get pregnant, so when i hear anybody say that they're pregnant for a second time & they're not yet ready for a baby, i feel overwhelmingly sad.
Again, please think about the entire situation, talk to your bf & listen to what he feels, what he has to say regarding his child too.
Please realise that this is a miracle that won't happen to every woman, yet you are lucky, it's happened to you, even though you are young & you feel you're not yet ready to be a mum.
Have you ever imagined, how wonderful it would be, to be a mother & i have proven that you can still be a great mother, whilst working & studying. I did it & today my son is @ Uni, doing very well, so too, have thousands of young women.
I was not married, i was a single mother, so i speak from great experience.
I will leave you with 1 final note.
When i became a mother, it was the best thing i ever did & today, all these years later, i do not regret it, bec when i look @ my son, i see his father & i in his eyes. :-)
A baby is a beautiful thing & when you meet & hold your baby in your arms for the first time, that feeling is super priceless.
May God Bless you & help you.
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