A
male
age
51-59,
*annio111
writes:Married with kids. I love her dearly...but when is enough enough? I would really appreciate insight from the outside looking in. I am going to be 100% truthful here. I have no reason not to…I just really want thoughts and advice based on my situation. I am currently in an absolute living hell. Here’s the story: I have been married for 5 years to the woman I still feel is my soul mate. When we married, I accepted her 2 children from her previous marriage as my own and love them as my own. A year into our marriage, we decided to have a child together. She is now an absolutely amazing 3 year old girl and she is my pride and joy. When my wife was pregnant with the baby, we decided that she should stay home and be a full time mom for a few years. So she quit her job and did just that. I worked very hard, and very long…to make this possible, and we even bought our dream home together. Life was good. But I DID have to work long and hard…and I had many 12 hour days and came home just WIPED day after day. I was a good dad, but after a while, the stress got to HER. She felt very alone…she felt like she had no adult contact…and like I just didn’t have much left to offer her. This went on for 2years. BUT…we kept saying “this is just temporary” in a few years…things will level out, she will go back to work…bills wont be as tight, hours wont be as long…etc. She complained about my hours so many times that I finally did something about it. I spoke to my boss about work/like balance almost exactly one year ago today and he agreed that I should lighten up. For the past year…I have some home early…and have tried DESPIRATELY to re-connect with my wife. But my attempts were rejected. Week after week…I tried to arrange dates…to just spend more time with her…and she suddenly began pulling AWAY more as I did this. 9 months ago, She began playing in an indoor co-ed soccer league. I asked if I could play…to which she said “I just really need time away to myself” I agreed – and since her games were on Friday eves, I asked that we at least work to connect as a couple on Saturday eves. She said she would try. But there was always an excuse. I think only ONE TIME did she actually agree to have a Saturday night date with me. Every other time…I had to cancel the baby sitter because she found a reason. So then her Friday night co-ed nights got later and later…2:00 AM, 4:00 AM…6:00 AM. She was going out and partying with them after the games. Drinking (which she NEVER did before) and coming home and passing out on the couch. Mind you…when she is out doing this…I am home with our daughter and my 2 step kids.One afternoon in the fall I approached her by simply telling her that what she was doing “made me feel extremely disrespected” Her reply? “well I am sorry that you feel that way”…it continued until she was not even hiding what was going on. She would take an overnight bag with a change of clothes packed with sexy new underthings that she had bought and I never even got to see her wear) and head out for the evening. I’d take care of the kids, take them to dinner…watch movies…then put them to bed and…agonizingly…watch the clock until the next morning….with every horrible thought of what might be happening…what or WHO my WIFE might be doing…in my mind. I often found myself sobbing…wondering why my wife had stopped loving me but not wanting to give up hope. After many months of the same story week after week…I told her we needed to talk about things and she said “yes, we need to talk” :-/ She met me at the door in tears saying “I can’t help how I feel…I love you but I am not IN love with you” etc etc… The most terrible words a married man can ever hear. I told her that marriages go though ups and downs…strong marriages withstand things like this and your FALL IN LOVE AGAIN. I suggested we just work to re-connect, maybe also get consoling, etc etc. She refused…saying “I know I wont change my mind”, I you don’t have to leave now, but as soon as a have a job and have saved up money, I want a divorce” For the sake of the kids…the family…everything…I wanted desperately to save us. I still love this woman and I want a good family environment for the kids. SO HERE WE ARE: She has had a job for the past 2 weeks. No paycheck yet….I continue to pay all the bills and support her and the kids 100%. Her goal is to save money and (if I don’t leave her the house) move out and get divorced. In the mean time, we live together in the same house…but she has declared us “separated” (we are NOT legally separated). So this means…she can do what she wants. Maybe the worst moment ever….last Saturday…Valentines day. I of course bought her roses…she never got to see them until the 15th. Here’s why: I was out…bought her flowers and candy…and called her and we decided to drive separate to my step-sons basketball game. I took the baby. We met, and watched the game. After the game, my step kids left with their biological father. The baby wanted to “ride in mommy’s car to go home” The gifts and flowers were waiting at home. My wife said to the baby “no you have to go with daddy because mommy has plans” That’s when I noticed the overnight bag in the back of her car. My 3 year old started crying “I want mommy” and my wife drive away….to go on an all-night date. That moment…I got in my car…strapped my little one in her car seat and sat there in the empty parking lot near the school gym. It was cold and dark and the wind was whipping furiously. I watched my wife’s cars tail lights pull away on valentine’s day…and…for the first time showed serious negative emotion in front of my little girl. I sobbed. Hard. For quite a while. And then I heard her little voice say “daddy, can you please unbuckle me so I can come up there and kiss you” that little girl is my world. My wife was out until 4:00 AM. So, the next day I politely ask her via text…”how could you do that on valentines day?” Her reply? “it’s my valentines day too. I have the right to do what I want to do” So, obviously in her mind she is gone. And this behavior is ok because she has declared us “separated”. I guess I still haven’t admitted it. There are times that she will start to second-guess herself…I know she does. So that give me hope. …but then she always falls back…and every Friday night…and sometimes others…she takes her little overnight bag with her sexy underthings and goes. My pain is so deep because I remember that wonderful lady that I fell in love with. I remember how amazing we were together and how my pure joy she made me feel. I loved her so very much. Still do. I would do absolutely anything to re-kindle the fire. I am guilty of letting the fire extinguish by working to much and too hard and leaving her to feel so alone. But my intentions were pure. It was always her and the kids …and the promise of our future, that motivated me. They were my purpose! Now I am lost…nothing seems to matter as much. I am just devastated. I just keep believing that if she were to just ALLOW the chance to re-connect with me, that the passion would come back and then we could work through anything. We don’t fight…we like the same things…we have the same basic beliefs…we are a good couple. She just got tired of feeling alone…lost her passion for me …and by the time I woke up…I guess she had already mentally moved on. I can’t help but keep kicking myself because I do not believe that women move on mentally like this if their needs are being met. I FAILED at meeting her needs or this would not have happened. I have told her that I would “clean slate” her if we could start over…But that has to have an expiration date doesn’t it? I mean…this continues…week after excruciating week. It is just killing me from the inside. So tell me...I love this woman…but I am feeling humiliated, devastated and emasculated. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I want my confidence back. I want my swagger back. With the children involved…the stakes are just so high. What should I do? What would you do? I would love both male and female perspective. Thank you…
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2015): You sir, are a good man. The kind of men a lot of women are searching for.
I'm terribly sorry about your suffering but I can guarantee you this. Because you have such a big heart you will love again after your divorce and you will be loved as you deserve.
In the mean time, do protect yourself by collecting evidence etc because unfortunately the odds of getting custody are in her favour since she has been a stay at home mum.
Make sure you start showing now that you can be the primary custodian. Doctor's appointments, school things etc. Make sure YOU are doing that.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2015): What a cold hearted bitch. I'm sorry but there is no way to sugarcoat it. She is gone and she doesn't deserve to get you back even if she wanted to. The emotional pain she has inflicted on you is just wrong.
You need to stop supporting her and move on. She isn't even trying to see anything from your side.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (20 February 2015):
You're living my worst nightmare... You have to pull the band-aid off quick! If you leave her, she may realize what she's missing. For now she has a babysitter and someone to pay the bills while she enjoys herself. Love can be had from a different woman. This one is only giving you pain.
Talk with a lawyer and then take the steps to divorce her. If of when things don't work out with her boyfriend she may come crawling back to you, but do you really want to be with someone who would inflict such unbelievable pain on you? I would NEVER do this to my wife out of simple respect for all she's done for me and the fact that she's my wife.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2015): Before she met you, your wife was left with two kids; and had to be a single-mother on her own at some point in her life. There is a little switch we have on our feelings that we can voluntarily switch-on or off, at will. It's a survival-mechanism. Our psychological well-being depends on the emotional environment around us. We also have a built-in safety-valve; which regulates our feelings and tolerance-level for the people whom we hold dearest to us. Too much pain, neglect, abuse, or loss of trust; will activate the safety-mechanisms in our psyche. We can be pushed beyond our limits. We can completely shutdown, emotionally. We are wired to be able to let go, when all hope is lost.
A woman with a history of failed-relationships; keeps that safety-switch activated. She no longer trusts her own choices; because the outcome is always the same. She is preconditioned to be disappointed by the men she gives her heart to. So she becomes desensitized over time.
So unfortunately, that switch inside her can easily turn-off and shutdown all systems; if she becomes disillusioned with yet another relationship. Especially the one she counted on the most. Hoping to be her best and final. As we mature, we aren't as flexible with our feelings as we might have been so many years before.
Cheating is never justified under any circumstances. In this case, it may be vindictive-behavior. It is course and
extreme. It is no way to perform in-front of children; and it is demeaning and cruel to your spouse. To go to such extremes leaves some question to her character in the first place. There may have been underlying issues there, that you were never aware of. We often tend to place those we love on a pedestal. This is extraordinary behavior for a married-woman with children. Most odd, indeed.
She hit the switch voluntarily this time. Unfortunately for you, the switch is now "off." Two years is a long-time to endure the feeling of detachment and neglect from your spouse. A lot must have gone through her mind. I was going through a tough time with my partner some years back, and my father gave me some advice. He told me: "Never assume your relationship is strong enough to handle anything. Always consider it a work in-progress. If you ever take it for granted that your love is so strong it will endure anything; that is when it fails you!"
You've touched my heart, sir! You are a very patient and loving man. She gave-up on you. It would be easy to vilify her. That would be unfair, not hearing both sides of the story. It would be safe to speculate that she feels you gave-up on her first. By the time you wanted to fix it, time had run-out. You may never know how much she suffered the last time she lost a man. So now she has decided she is going to win. She's not getting any younger.
So you now have to mentally and psychologically prepare for the ultimate outcome. The prognosis doesn't look good. I urge you to remain the good man that you are. You will always have your kids, who haven't given-up on you. Through your daughter, you still have a piece of her. At this point; I do not think her mindset will allow for change or compromise. I think you might have missed that window of opportunity.
Under these circumstances; it is difficult to console a person with mere words on a screen, but these words I write to you are most heartfelt. I can't place a hand on your shoulder to comfort you. I would if I could.
I can only try and help you to mentally and emotionally prepare yourself; because of the unlikelihood she will change her mind. She has separated; so that's that.
I recommend that you get some counseling for yourself.
You are under a lot of pressure and grief at this point. There are three little ones who need you, and they sense your unhappiness. You need your strength, you still have to support them and yourself. You also have to endure this cold-treatment from your wife. That's a lot on any soul.
I went to my dad when I was at a difficult point in my relationship, and our talks gave me a lot of wisdom and strength that I could never find in a counselor. Let your parents know how you feel, and let them console and soothe you throughout this. You need their moral-support. Don't do it alone. You're numb now, but the anger is just beneath the surface. You need an outlet to vent, and keep you emotionally-grounded; while you take the steps to conclude this episode you're going through in your married-life. So also reach-out spiritually if you worship, go to your closest of friends, and seek the love of your kinship.
You're handling this well now; but there are so many other responsibilities and commitments that can stress you out and wear you down.
I'll pray for the best for you; but I'll also pray you'll continue to hold yourself together. Peace be with you, dear sir! Go hug that lovely little child of yours right now!
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A
male
reader, dannio111 +, writes (20 February 2015):
dannio111 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie and CGrant - Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. As blunt as your replies were, I actually found them both very comforting. Although part of my really wants someone to say - "here's how you fix this" I suppose I know that isn't going to happen. I guess I was sort of hoping to confirm what I thought I already knew - I don't deserve what she is doing...no one does...and it's not worth trying to salvage even for the kids. The kids are better off in a stable environment, and I certainly don't want my little girl to learn how to treat people by watching how her mother treats me. She will ultimately lose respect for me as well if I let that happen. I guess I am still in that "hope for a miracle" stage...and it just still devastates me to think of her with someone else. I need to get past that for the best interest of my little girl. I've actually already spoken to a lawyer just to know how to protect myself. I don't really have 2 dimes to rub together right now...and I will probably end up paying alimony until she starts earning more. ...doesn't really seem fair. regardless, the answer to the question of "is it salvagable" is begininng to crystalize. It doesn't seem like there is anything here worth saving. Thanks again for taking the time to read my lengthy post and reply to it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2015):
How could she leave her daughter to go and make hay while the sun shone . I would start as honeypie has said document what happening tape her on your phone if you need too.
If my lil one crys she is 3 it takes every breath of me to say no if she asking for to much . I could never walk away from her and see another man . Because my daughter is my life
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 February 2015):
 She MUST be out of her mind!
You have shown WAY more compassion and adaptability then she deserves.
She HAS left the marriage, but she has EVERY intentions of wringing the last drops of "whatever she can get out of you.
I would FILE for LEGAL separation, and I would find me a DARN good lawyer. NO more bending over backwards for her.
I would look into alienation of affection as cause. Because that is what SHE did to the marriage.
She knows she has you by the balls, so stop playing her game. Give her what she claims to want. And that is a divorce.
I don't see this being salvageable :(
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2015): I think that both you and your wife are victims of circumstances and I agree with you that she may have outgrown you or moved on mentally. Something went wrong in the proces but you don't know when or where. She complained and you aknowledged the problem. you tried to do something about it but it was maybe already too late. You could have foreseen this. She on the other hand showed no effort when you tried to make up for all the attention she needed in those two years. instead of working on your relationship together, she put you and your kids somewhat aside and chose a for a hobby outside your family and found the thrills elsewhere. You aknowledge your mistakes even though you worked hard to provide everything for them.She on the other hand complained but will take no further effort to repair the damage that was done. a relationship is built and nurtured by two people. you both need to atone for your mistakes and both find the courage and the motivation to mend your relationship. you are willing, she on the other hand is not. bring it to her straight and try to keep the kids out of the conversation. find counsel. You admit she has lost her passion for you. It is hard and you love her and your children very much, but I don't see much reason for you two to continue your relationship together. She will take no further effort. you've got to talk to her, clean and honest. Find out what's still left...
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (19 February 2015):
 You have already tolerated far, far more than I ever would. Four years since she became pregnant, two years at most of you working so hard she felt lonely, by which point she had mentally left the marriage. I'm sorry to say that you fell in love with someone with a very different idea about marriage and commitment than you have.
Let me say it again: she has left the marriage.
There is nothing for you to save here. Your next step should be to consult the best divorce attorney in your area and begin preparing for the for formal termination of the union. Protect your rights! Document what she's been doing -- it will help give you a good case for sole custody of your daughter. Protect your finances -- safeguard as much money, as many assets as possible, because you're going to need every little bit to raise your daughter.
I get that the role of a man has changed beyond recognition in the last generation, and that many of us are finding it challenging to cope. You appear to be the kind of compassionate and caring man that some women's magazines say people want. Perhaps that's true, but no one is attracted to a door mat. She's been using your love against you while walking all over you. It's not unmanly to put the kids first, to make decisions that are best for them. But it is unmanly to keep them in a toxic environment, which your home has surely become. Document your case, get your wife out of the home, and let your little girl grow up in a safe, familiar, respectful environment. Start today.
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