A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey all been with my partner for a year I've moved in with him and it's going great he has 2 young children who he sees alot and we have a great time together. Hes been married twice and engaged once. I've been engaged twice and married once. We are in out 40s and between us have a colourful past. We are so happy though when we got together he said he didnt want anymore children but I can't have them so it was no issue plus I loved his kids. We never talked about marriage but I just thought maybe one day... today the topic came up and he said he never wants to.. to which I am so upset I certainly am no bridezilla and did not think it was on the horizon but I think he obviously doesn't like me enough, what's my purpose??? I dont need to but to be told it will never happen makes me feel 'meh' where's the future??
View related questions:
engaged, moved in Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2020): Hi there,Believe me, when man says he dont wanna get married anymore" then take it serious, because he will really not gonna get married anymore. So you have only two choices. Accept it and live with it or, find someone else who will respect you as a woman and mary you.Sometimes, reality hurts but we have to face it. I am in the same situation. Im living with my bf and we are together for almost 5 years now. I told him at first 2 years together, i wanted to get married too but he said he dont wanna get married anymore he was divorced and im a widow. It hurts of course I thought im just gonna leave him. But i stay and realize now " thanks god we are not married haha" i didnt know it is better" Maybe it could happen to you too. Maybe you can manage to accept it open arm like the way i do.. but still i wish you the best and hoping your partner will change his mind and marry you.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 March 2020):
 I don't agree with you, CarrieSoa,
For MANY people marriage DO mean something. Otherwise no one would marry any more. It's not just a "piece of paper".
But I DO get the point that being married doesn't prevent "things" from happening. That all comes down to the people IN the marriage. How they CONDUCT their relationship and marriage.
And from what OP write, it's not like this is some totally confirmed bachelor who never wanted to marry, he after all have been engaged 3 times and married once.
Maybe he is a bit on the "Once bitten, twice shy" because he jumped into an engagement that didn't work out, and one that led to a disastrous marriage.
As I see it, OP the fact that he isn't jumping the gun to propose might be because HE wants to make sure that he propose and marry for the right reasons. That THIS marriage lasts. So if that is his thinking that is good and healthy. It doesn't mean that the ex-wife was someone more "worthy" of marriage than you. Just that he doesn't want to get divorced again or have another failed engagement.
I think that is good, marriage should be taken serious. And so should the relationship.
I think it's perfectly fine to want to marry. And it's perfectly fine for those who don't. And what ever happy "medium" the two of you can figure out is good too. As long as it's what the BOTH of you want.
...............................
A
female
reader, CarrieSoa +, writes (2 March 2020):
 Marriage does not give you emotional security, only you can give that to yourself. Marriage isn't a forever thing which both of you have experienced.
If you can't be in a relationship without marriage then end it and move on. If you can then you have to compromise.
Now a days, marriage doesn't mean anything. It's the quality of the relationship that matters.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's his house I've moved in and help to pay towards bills buy food etc.. we always pay equal for things we do etc.. but yes I guess there are a million financial implications. I'm just thinking about the emotional security there was a middle aged in tv and he presumed he was single as he wasn't wearing a wedding ring I was like have you completely forgot about our issue earlier! Things are ok now I have overcome the initial shock we both know how each other feels and I think he is more accepting of my feelings it is emotional security for me. His first 2 engagements led to failed marriages his 3rd within a toxic relationship and I dont get what he would propose to her. Main issue for me is the emotional factor and what did they have that I dont.. aside from this we have an amazing squad me him and the kids and i just need to continue and be happy in that it really is the man not the marriage x
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 March 2020):
Maybe the two of you will at some point come to a conclusion that will make you both content.
It has only BEEN a year as well. So maybe given some more time there will be some or other compromise and mutual agreement.
Good luck, OP
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2020): You didn't mention your boyfriend's status as regards the property you all live in. If he owns the place or has a mortgage on it, then this MIGHT be the reason he doesn't want to get married. He needs to know that he and his children are secure with their living arrangements. He has probably split everything down the middle before and maybe doesn't want to do so again.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou Honeypie this was a really helpful answer the relationship is too amazing to leave but the insecure part of me would hope for the emotional security of engagement and marriage one day. I've explained this to him and he apologised for being insensitive initially.
I think it will be okay I am so happy so its definitely the man not the marriage for me. Thankyou for giving me insight
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2020): OP, if you want to marry and he doesn't then you need to decide if the relationship is worth staying in or its time to end it and find a man who does want to marry. One thing I have learned in life that men normally say what they mean and mean what they say. They don't usually dance around subjects or expect us women to read between the lines like we sometimes do to them. Take his words to heart. Don't expect him to change his mind and don't hang around hoping that he will change his mind. He probably won't.
It might be a bitter pill to swallow but at least now you know where you stand No guessing.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou Honeypie this was a really helpful answer the relationship is too amazing to leave but the insecure part of me would hope for the emotional security of engagement and marriage one day. I've explained this to him and he apologised for being insensitive initially.
I think it will be okay I am so happy so its definitely the man not the marriage for me. Thankyou for giving me insight
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (1 March 2020):
 Here is the question you need to ask yourself:Is being married more important to me than dating this man forever?Yes is absolutely okay. No is absolutely okay. Unfortunately, you can’t have it both ways. Some people just don’t want marriage, especially if they’ve “failed” once or more times already. It seems you’ve both been engaged and/or married many times - what makes this the one that sticks? That is probably his concern.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 March 2020):
Sometimes people have different goals.
You might WANT to be married because it makes you feel safer in the relationship WITH your partner.
He might not. He's been there, done that, twice.
So YOU have to decide HOW important is marriage to you? Is not getting married EVER (to this guy) a deal breaker or not.
Now you know where you stand. You probably won't all of a sudden be OK to not marry and HE, undoubtedly, won't all of a sudden want to marry. So this IS an important issue for YOU to think over. It's been a year together, so you have to decide DO I want to continue and COMPROMISE (date and never marry) OR, if this is a deal breaker and the relationship is over.
...............................
|
